Making resolutions with intention

 I've hated New Year's Resolutions ever since the year I vowed to stop cursing. The second the ball dropped, my mom leaned in to hug me, spilling champagne on my lap in the process, 

"Oh what the f-!" I exclaimed. At that moment the whole year ahead flashed before my eyes and I felt shame that I had already 'failed' and had a whole year to live before I could try again.

From that point on, I shifted my perspective and instead looked at each week and each new day as an opportunity to set short-term goals and achieve something that would make me happy and feel accomplished. 

Given my history with depression, sometimes 'accomplished' for the day was as simple as getting out of bed and brushing my teeth and hair. My depression taught me to celebrate the small victories. 

Another reason I hate resolutions, is because they are rarely concrete or measurable. 

"I want to save more" - How much? By when? What habits are you going to change or implement to reach that goal?

"I want to workout more" - What are you going to do? Walk/run, etc.? How often is realistic for your lifestyle to go? Maybe it's once a week, twice, or going for walks on the weekends with your kids. Set a realistic goal for yourself to give yourself the greatest chance for success. You are not going to go to the gym every day, you are not going to spend more than an hour. Take stock of what you're currently doing and what habits you can implement that you are likely to stick to. 

The idea of resolutions are great, in theory, if they are made with intention behind them. Sure, I'd love to find myself with $100,000 in 2021, but it's unlikely. If I can save $1,000, that would be great and more attainable considering I live on a journalist's salary. 

I've always, always hated the resolution "to lose weight" in the new year. Again, it's about the intent behind the resolution. Why do you want to lose weight? In that thinking, it implies there is something wrong currently. 

My mom told me this was among her resolutions, "the traditional lose weight, etc., etc.," it made me sad, because my mom is perfect just how she is and I mean that with every fiber of my being. 

Setting the intention to lose weight in the new year for the sake of seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't cut it. It implies that once you reach a certain number, you will be happy. Wrong. Lower numbers on the scale won't bring you happiness I promise you.

I spent years and years of my life late December promising myself I would be smaller in the new year. "when I reach this pant size," "when I work out this many times a week," "when I drink x amount of gallons of water," "run x amount of miles." I never stuck with it past the second week. I overwhelmed myself to the point of obsession and I overdid it. My mindset was unhealthy and not genuine. I didn't want to do any of those things for a healthy reason. 

Looking through old journals, I feel sad for that girl who wrote that year after year. I feel no sense of accomplishment related to the time I've spent trying to force myself smaller.

At my smallest pant size, I was the most unhappy. I had cut too many things from my diet, I didn't want to go out with my friends for dinner or drinks, and I felt incapable of enjoying a rest day on the couch. I suffered panic attacks, which worsened if I didn't abide by the strict regimen I set for myself. 

If you want to be more active in the new year, that's great. Ask yourself why?

Maybe you were previously a smoker, and walking a mile feels challenging. Setting a goal to go for a walk after dinner a few times a week to work up to that ultimate mile would be a good start. Maybe during that walking time, you can catch up with a friend or family member on the phone. That way you are holding yourself accountable, and also being connected with loved ones. 

Maybe you want to lose weight so you can keep up and play with your kids. That is a genuine intention to want to be healthier in order to be able to stick around and play with your kids. Each time you get to go to the park or the playground with your kids, you will feel happy that you can have that time with them. It's a good time to involve them in healthy decision making and setting those goals for the right reasons. They will be proud of your success. 

In addition to changing my perception about how I think about resolutions, I try to keep my goals specific and not time-related to eliminate the possibility of feeling like I failed in some way. 

I used to say "I'm going to work out more," to me, that meant every day, or I failed, which is unrealistic. Or I'd say I want to achieve X by March, which is also silly, because I felt pressure and rushed to achieve my goals, which wasn't really necessary. 

Now, I like to set 3-5 goals for the whole year. 

Last year I decided I wanted to move, I wanted a new job where I felt appreciated and made more money, I wanted to teach boxing, I wanted to learn CPR, and I wanted to hit a particular savings goal.

I moved twice during the year, once to renting a room from a friend, and the second out of state, where I secured a new job. I had the opportunity to teach boxing classes, which I loved so much. 

The last two goals I didn't hit, but I don't feel in any means like I failed, because I can still do those things. I still want to do those things. I plan to redirect my energy towards achieving them this year. 

Resolutions are supposed to motivate us and make us feel good, not like failures in any way. 

There's no rule book that says "you must set your resolution before midnight Dec. 31, or it's too late," something I used to believe when I was younger as well! 

Take time to think about it, what do you want to achieve and why? Set your intention, and make sure it's a genuine one. You'll have a better chance for success and you'll feel more pride in the long run.

Happy New Year! Here's to a better year. 

Bye, Florida

 It's bittersweet to be leaving Florida, after six years of calling it home.

I never thought I'd leave. 

But when you love what you do, you have to go where the work is, and where the opportunities are. 

Despite growing up on Long Island, I never felt like home there. When I moved to Tampa in 2012, I immediately felt a sense of belonging that I had been looking for. 

I moved to Santa Monica for two years after graduating college, and wanted to come home. I didn't feel like I fit in with the culture of pretending.

To say goodbye, I wanted to recap the memorable moments that have happened here: the good, the bad, the ugly.

• Meeting friends that quickly became like brothers and sisters to me, and will be with me for life

• Graduated college a semester early, and on the Dean's list, while spending the majority of the semester in the hospital

• Having the opportunity to work for the man who inspired me to pursue journalism as a career. (How many people get to say their idol is also their boss?)
  
  
• Organized a school supplies drive for the kids in Charlotte County

• Breaking my nose (in three places. Yep, lesson learned, the bloody way.)
  
  
• Getting to live with two of my best friends on two separate occasions. Having a roommate you work, live, and hangout with and still get along is a blessing. I still don't know how we made it happen, sometimes

• Getting my tonsils out (finally! amid a pandemic, nonetheless)

• My article about eating disorder recovery and misconceptions about the disorder on the front page of the Sunday Tampa Bay Times

• Adopting my Buddha 

• Fell in, and out of love
  
  
• Learned what I will never tolerate from a man

• Took a road trip to Atlanta with my best friend for my birthday to see John Mayer

• Got to live close to my mom again and have monthly weekend visits
  
  
• Buddha made best friends in Finn and Lucy, something that was so sweet to witness, and heartbreaking to separate

• Took a day trip to go hiking in the Everglades (not as cool as I imagined)

• Got to teach my own boxing class, something I had wanted to do for a long, long time
  
  
• Picked up rollerblading, and skated over 150 miles since the pandemic began
  
  
• My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding

• Felt for the first time in a long time truly free from the wrath of my eating disorder and exercise addiction. Intuitive eating and exercise helped me immensely 

So many more amazing memories, that I'm probably forgetting off the top of my head. I can't wait for this new journey and to create new memories in Arkansas. Here's to the future, though Florida will always be my home.

Man Alone Chimes the Hour

 “Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”

 

 In our busy-obsessed, zero days off-esque world, how often do we ever truly unplug and enjoy silence?

We always have simulation whether it be from having our phone in our hands, aimlessly scrolling social media, or headphones in our ears playing music, a podcast, or an audiobook. We're afraid of the silence. In silence, all we're left with is our thoughts: our past regrets, wish-we-would-have's, wish-we-could-have's and the dreams we will accomplish when all the stars align and all circumstances are in our favor, and insecurities. At the end of the day, the company of our own thoughts is the last thing we want to keep. It's scary and unpleasant, so we opt for distraction.

My friend Anne did a post where she was challenged to sit with her thoughts in a familiar space for a period of time. I wanted to try it, too.

I went to a hiking trail near my house, initially with headphones in playing calming music. I felt relaxed, but I remembered her post and thought When was the last time I was comfortable with silence? I came here to reconnect with myself, but was I really connecting at all?

I put my phone in my pocket and headphones out of my ears, and immediately noticed a difference.

In between the sounds of geckos big and small scurrying across the leaves, I heard the crunching of the leaves under my sneakers, I felt my footprint I left behind in the dirt. 

I heard the various birds chirping and wondered what breed they might be. I saw two cardinals in the trees. 

I heard a fish jump up and out of the creek, and back in again.

I saw two bunnies run from the cover of one bush, to another on the opposite side of the trail.

I spot a red leaf among the hundreds of brown and green, signaling there may be fall in Florida after all. It reminds me of this time last year, I was in New York on a trail by my house doing a similar exercise. I sipped my coffee as I walked down the dirt path, soaking in the cool mountain air just after sunrise. I enjoyed the silence then, as I did now, a silence that seemingly only comes before the rest of the world wakes up, one much different and calm from the one experienced after the world has returned to bed.

I notice an old splintery bench among the brush, and wonder who placed it there and when, if they commissioned help from a family member in making it, a bonding experience of sorts, a grandpa teaching his grandson that true hard work can only be done with your hands.

I think of the group of picnic benches on the trail back home, positioned near a charcoal grill. A plaque reads a local girl scout troop built them and placed them their for the community to enjoy. 

I wonder if they earned badges for their hard work. I wonder if they considered that badge would mean more than a badge to them at all, a patch to fill their vest. I wonder if they thought of the benches of more than a bench, a silly project to check off their list. A requirement. 

I remember sitting on the bench at six years old, overlooking the creek where my dad taught me how to skip rocks, and which rocks would get the most amount of skips. It's the flat rocks. It's still a skill I never mastered. I was 24 when I came back and the benches are still there, weathered now, but still sturdy. The plaque remains clear, that the troop brought them there. 

I think of them now, and how they may have left the comfort of our small upstate town, opting for a big city with hustle and bustle, forgetting the task altogether and how much they appreciated the silence.

I continue my walk, and notice a squirrel, frozen in the trees, snacking on an acorn. He reminds me of Buddha, and how I have to get home to feed him dinner. I can hear the echos of his meows in my head. I'm late and he's pissed.

There's beauty in silence, though sometimes it can seem loud. 

The longer the silence, the clearer it becomes.

Oh how there's beauty in silence, and how often and easy we forget.

Thank you for the reminder.

I didn't believe in self-talk, and then I tried it

 "How are you using the word when it comes to describing yourself? When you look at yourself in a mirror, do you like what you see, or do you judge your body and use all those symbols to tell yourself lies? Is it really true that you are too short or too tall, too heavy, or too thin? Is it really true that you're not perfect just the way you are?" 

 -Don Miguel Ruiz 

My therapist has been assigning me homework for the last six months, and for the last six months, I haven't done my homework.

"I'm serious. This week I want you to do it," she told me, trying to be encouraging.

For six months she's been trying to get me to write a list of affirmations I can tell myself.

"Not the cheesy ones," she clarified. "Things you can actually believe."

She said I didn't have to tell myself I would be a millionaire, that I am strong, and beautiful, and brave, or any of those popular affirmations you may see on Pinterest or embroidered on a kitchen towel.

"Just three things every day that you like about yourself," she said. 

I promised I'd do it, and laugh as I hung up, fully intending never to do that. 

It was less about the affirmation, but more about challenging negative self-talk and the lies I led myself to believe about myself, as they came up in my mind. 

The problem is, living with depression, you may know what you should do. You may know what will make you feel better, but because you have depression, you don't feel capable of doing any of those things. 

I'd rather watch paint dry, clip my toenails way too short, or cut the grass with kitchen scissors.

But say something nice about myself? It seemed too tough a task. 

As an empath through and through, I don't like to think too much about myself. I don't like to sit alone with my own thoughts. I have depression. It could be scary there. I rather talk about what's bothering you. I'll listen and help you! Yeah, that idea I like! 

But through breakups, pandemics, self-growth, and self-reflection, I'm realizing, that's not always an option. 

What happens when someone's not there to vent to me? Who's left? 

Me. 

Shit. 

Bueller?          Bueller?        Hello?        No?        *Sigh*        

Okay, number one. 

The day I finally completed my homework, I was really excited to start our therapy session.

"I did it!" I proudly told her, chest puffed out.

I listed off one thing after the other that I love about myself. 

When I was done, I smiled at her, waiting for my round of applause, for her to tell me she was proud of me for finally listening. 

It never came. 

"What?" I asked.

"None of those things are about you," she said.

"What?!" 

Each thing I had listed about myself involved another person, she told me. It wasn't truly, at it's core, me. 

Again, I was diverting the attention elsewhere, in order to not have to focus on myself.

Again, she gave me the same lecture about self-talk and affirmations.

I was mad. I could have sworn I nailed it. 

Another thing about living with depression, is you feel impulsive. You may know the thing that will make you feel better, something that is healthy that will lift your mood and remove you out of that dark place, but, because you have depression, your mindset is: 

"Sure I know what to do, but the healthy route may take 45 minutes, while the unhealthy option only takes five!" 

This to me is the "get what you pay for" mindset. If you go the route of a temporary release, like seeing an ex that treats you poorly, drinking, using a drug, sex, gambling, or any other short-term solution, you have to consider the long-term consequences of that choice. 

How will you feel in an hour? six hours? tomorrow?

Probably not good. You may feel more anxious, more depressed, crave comfort food, want to sleep more, etc. 

Depression doesn't allow you to think through those long-term consequences. Depression is a one-track mind that tells you, "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better right this second?" and laughs when the negative affects of the short-term solution route start to kick in. 

The more I talked with my therapist and she reiterated the idea of affirmations and self-talk, I begun to practice it, without realizing it, which is probably the only way to get me to do something.

Coming home from a stressful day, whether it be from work or a fight with my ex, rather than reaching for a short-term solution, I would take the time to slow down and acknowledge, "hey, I don't feel so great right now, and what I want to do probably isn't what I should do." and rather than reach for the short-term solution and risk the negative affects, I'd lace up my rollerblades, put on my headphones and go for a skate, or have a cuddle with my cat, swim in the pool, color a picture, etc. and I would end up feeling better, for a longer period of time, than I would have if I had chosen the alternative route. 

When I'd settle in for the night and start feeling lonely, rather than text my ex, which I would likely later regret, I'd say, "you know what? I don't need to do that. That isn't the best option for me based on how I'm feeling," and put on a funny TV show and have a laugh instead. 

Self-talk is HARD! It's not easy to take the time, especially in the moment when your emotions are high and unpleasant to slow down, acknowledge that feeling, and choose a healthy option. But I promise you, you will feel better if you choose the healthy option. 

Don't wait until you are in that emotional state to think about what a healthy option is for you. Have three go-to things that make you feel genuinely happy: maybe it's working out, writing, taking a hot bath, lighting your favorite candle and putting on an album, drawing, coloring, whatever it may be. Have them in the bank and know what they are. 

And when you feel yourself start to get in that emotional place, stop. Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you're in an emotional state, and what got you there. Acknowledge it for what it is, without blaming yourself, and dismiss the desire to reach for a short-term solution. This may be having a cup of tea instead of alcohol, putting your phone on airplane mode, or going for a walk to re-center yourself. 

It may take half an hour longer, but the effects will last way longer and you will feel stronger in your ability to choose that option for yourself.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

How perspective changed my outlook on recovery

"Your life is the manifestation of your dream; it is an art. And you can change your life anytime you aren't enjoying the dream."

 I finished reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz this week; a small book, but large on wisdom. I underlined, left sticky notes on passages I wanted to go back on and remember, and called my mom to read her select passages.

Talking to my therapist this week, I told her I felt stuck. Unknowingly, the wisdom from the book allowed me to talk myself out of the negative thoughts I was thinking, by re-framing those negative thoughts into positive ones.

 I was frustrated by the amount I was eating and how hungry I had felt all week. I felt tired and as if I wanted a nap all the time.

"I feel fat," I told her, quickly realizing this was a thought that often plagued me when I was in the depths of my eating disorder. "I'm eating so much, but I'm just so hungry, I don't know why."

In the middle of me complaining, I told her it was something that usually happened the week before I got my period.

 By acknowledging out loud the normalcy of increased hunger before my time of the month, I felt less guilt.

"Then when I do get my period, I don't feel as hungry," I told her.

Something I learned in recovery when I was experiencing "extreme hunger", though of course this is not that, is that those periods don't last forever. By reminding myself that, the period of time began to feel less overwhelming.

With that, more feelings came up. Even though I "felt fat", I understood it was only a feeling, and it would pass. When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, one of my goals I set for recovery, was to be able to comfortably fit into a pair of jeans and fill them out. At the time, I couldn't find a pair that fit me anywhere. All of the pairs I tried on where either too big around the waist, too big in the legs, or both. I desperately missed my curves and feeling sexy. Now, what was I going to do complain about filling my jeans too much? Hell no! I was thankful that I could wear them.

When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I wore pads on my ass. This is not a joke. My butt had so little fat, that my doctors said without the pads, I could risk bruising my bones any time I sat or laid down. They were sticky pads that stuck with hospital grade glue right to the bare skin on my ass. Yes, it hurt every time the doctors changed the pads every day, like extra large bandages were being ripped in one go, right from my bare skin. Not ideal.

How Not to Hate Your Ex

"Okay, we didn't work, and all memories to tell you the truth aren't good. But sometimes there were good times. Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid. There should be stars for great wars like ours."

-Sandra Cisneros 

I have friendships with several of my exes.
 It's my personal philosophy that if you've ever loved someone, those feelings don't automatically turn sour, just because things didn't work out in a romantic way between you two.
With that being said, that's contingent on the fact that there was no violence or emotional abuse involved.
And when I enter new relationships, I don't hide this fact. I make sure my new potential partner knows that I maintain a friendly contact with a given ex, and that it's not in any romantic or sexual way, so they shouldn't feel threatened.

Focus on the good 

If a relationship doesn't work out, ask yourself why. It helps to reflect on the situation. Maybe certain circumstances out of your control, like timing, or where you were at in your life at that particular point didn't match. Look internally, at your behavior, if you acted or reacted in a certain way that you don't want to in the future. For example, maybe instead of communicating with your partner when something was bothering you, you ignored it, which later led to hurt feelings and a fight. That could have been avoided by addressing the issue with your partner so you could talk about it up front.

I met the man I was convinced I was going to marry when I was 19. We were in very different stages of life. Me, in college, taking 18 credit hours in school, and working as close to full-time as I could get to buff up my resume.
He, serving in the Army, living in his own apartment and paying his own bills.
He had previously been engaged and it didn't work out.
He was ready to try again, so he said. He was ready for a wife and a family.

I couldn't drink, so I often felt left out when he would go out to the bar with his buddies, and felt like there was a lot of things I couldn't do.

I didn't have a car, so our plans depended on him, and when he wanted to come pick me up from campus.

Even though it didn't work at that time, I still have love and respect for him, because he was a large part of my life at the time. I learned a lot. I learned that I do want marriage and to have a family of my own, when circumstances are right. He was a big support system for me at the time. I learned how to be in a partnership, and how to be comfortable with my body. I will always be grateful to him for that.

Learn what you don't want

I've dated a few men that were more interested in the party scene, drugs and alcohol than they were in having a relationship with me. For too long I held the belief that I could be the supportive girlfriend and "love them through it". This is a more 'romantic' way to say "I can fix them" and it's just not going to happen.
Stop intentionally breaking your own heart.
 You can't force yourself to be a priority to someone.
 It's better to be alone, than to feel alone with company.
 These relationships often left me with lower self-esteem than I came in with, and I felt exhausted, and my spirit depleted.
But, it helped me to be able to see signs of similar behavior in the future, earlier on in the relationship, and I can start running earlier. It helped me to see that for me, that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker and something I don't have the time or energy to put up with.

Be honest from the get-go

I've learned to be honest upfront about things that are important to me. I'm not talking from the first date, but as time is right, open up about things that matter to you. This could be your past, your beliefs, mental health, etc.
One of the things I am open about in the beginning of a new relationship is my dedication to taking care of my mental health. I go to therapy, and I want my partner to be supportive and accepting of that. So far, I haven't met anyone who hasn't been. Thankfully.
I've had partners who have been open with me about their mental health, but unwilling to get help they needed to take care of themselves. I don't want to backslide, so I've learned for the future if someone isn't ready for help, wish them well and move on.
My self-care regimen is extremely important to my well-being and has been hard earned, so I work hard to protect that.
I've had partners that questioned why I take medication as a form of treatment, and thought they knew what would be better for my well-being than my doctors did.
I didn't open up to those people for a reason. They went through my medicine cabinet and found my medication, and then confronted me about it.
I want to be with someone who uplifts me, not drags me down. I don't want to be with someone who tries to pin their own idea of "self-care" on me, and tries to encourage me to go off medication, or stop attending therapy, because that's what they believe for me. Unless, they have a PhD (maybe).

Don't compare, don't demean

I think a lot of us are curious when our former partner moves on, and want to see who they've moved on with. Don't check social media pages, it's not your business anymore. Don't compare the status of their relationship with how things went between you two, or the timeline of how they've progressed, you will only frustrate yourself.

Relationships take different forms

I always say I still have love for (some) of the men I've dated. Just because my care isn't romantic love anymore, doesn't mean I can't love them as a friend and genuinely wish them well. If they text me and need help with something, I try to be there, within reason. (Again, this is tentative on how it ended and as long as there was no abuse involved)
The basis of a strong relationship starts from a genuine friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean you can't go back to that if both people are willing once the healing is done. The healing and moving on is key in order to revert back to a healthy friendship. This likely won't happen right away, and might not happen at all. Be patient and honest with yourself.