I didn't believe in self-talk, and then I tried it

 "How are you using the word when it comes to describing yourself? When you look at yourself in a mirror, do you like what you see, or do you judge your body and use all those symbols to tell yourself lies? Is it really true that you are too short or too tall, too heavy, or too thin? Is it really true that you're not perfect just the way you are?" 

 -Don Miguel Ruiz 

My therapist has been assigning me homework for the last six months, and for the last six months, I haven't done my homework.

"I'm serious. This week I want you to do it," she told me, trying to be encouraging.

For six months she's been trying to get me to write a list of affirmations I can tell myself.

"Not the cheesy ones," she clarified. "Things you can actually believe."

She said I didn't have to tell myself I would be a millionaire, that I am strong, and beautiful, and brave, or any of those popular affirmations you may see on Pinterest or embroidered on a kitchen towel.

"Just three things every day that you like about yourself," she said. 

I promised I'd do it, and laugh as I hung up, fully intending never to do that. 

It was less about the affirmation, but more about challenging negative self-talk and the lies I led myself to believe about myself, as they came up in my mind. 

The problem is, living with depression, you may know what you should do. You may know what will make you feel better, but because you have depression, you don't feel capable of doing any of those things. 

I'd rather watch paint dry, clip my toenails way too short, or cut the grass with kitchen scissors.

But say something nice about myself? It seemed too tough a task. 

As an empath through and through, I don't like to think too much about myself. I don't like to sit alone with my own thoughts. I have depression. It could be scary there. I rather talk about what's bothering you. I'll listen and help you! Yeah, that idea I like! 

But through breakups, pandemics, self-growth, and self-reflection, I'm realizing, that's not always an option. 

What happens when someone's not there to vent to me? Who's left? 

Me. 

Shit. 

Bueller?          Bueller?        Hello?        No?        *Sigh*        

Okay, number one. 

The day I finally completed my homework, I was really excited to start our therapy session.

"I did it!" I proudly told her, chest puffed out.

I listed off one thing after the other that I love about myself. 

When I was done, I smiled at her, waiting for my round of applause, for her to tell me she was proud of me for finally listening. 

It never came. 

"What?" I asked.

"None of those things are about you," she said.

"What?!" 

Each thing I had listed about myself involved another person, she told me. It wasn't truly, at it's core, me. 

Again, I was diverting the attention elsewhere, in order to not have to focus on myself.

Again, she gave me the same lecture about self-talk and affirmations.

I was mad. I could have sworn I nailed it. 

Another thing about living with depression, is you feel impulsive. You may know the thing that will make you feel better, something that is healthy that will lift your mood and remove you out of that dark place, but, because you have depression, your mindset is: 

"Sure I know what to do, but the healthy route may take 45 minutes, while the unhealthy option only takes five!" 

This to me is the "get what you pay for" mindset. If you go the route of a temporary release, like seeing an ex that treats you poorly, drinking, using a drug, sex, gambling, or any other short-term solution, you have to consider the long-term consequences of that choice. 

How will you feel in an hour? six hours? tomorrow?

Probably not good. You may feel more anxious, more depressed, crave comfort food, want to sleep more, etc. 

Depression doesn't allow you to think through those long-term consequences. Depression is a one-track mind that tells you, "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better right this second?" and laughs when the negative affects of the short-term solution route start to kick in. 

The more I talked with my therapist and she reiterated the idea of affirmations and self-talk, I begun to practice it, without realizing it, which is probably the only way to get me to do something.

Coming home from a stressful day, whether it be from work or a fight with my ex, rather than reaching for a short-term solution, I would take the time to slow down and acknowledge, "hey, I don't feel so great right now, and what I want to do probably isn't what I should do." and rather than reach for the short-term solution and risk the negative affects, I'd lace up my rollerblades, put on my headphones and go for a skate, or have a cuddle with my cat, swim in the pool, color a picture, etc. and I would end up feeling better, for a longer period of time, than I would have if I had chosen the alternative route. 

When I'd settle in for the night and start feeling lonely, rather than text my ex, which I would likely later regret, I'd say, "you know what? I don't need to do that. That isn't the best option for me based on how I'm feeling," and put on a funny TV show and have a laugh instead. 

Self-talk is HARD! It's not easy to take the time, especially in the moment when your emotions are high and unpleasant to slow down, acknowledge that feeling, and choose a healthy option. But I promise you, you will feel better if you choose the healthy option. 

Don't wait until you are in that emotional state to think about what a healthy option is for you. Have three go-to things that make you feel genuinely happy: maybe it's working out, writing, taking a hot bath, lighting your favorite candle and putting on an album, drawing, coloring, whatever it may be. Have them in the bank and know what they are. 

And when you feel yourself start to get in that emotional place, stop. Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you're in an emotional state, and what got you there. Acknowledge it for what it is, without blaming yourself, and dismiss the desire to reach for a short-term solution. This may be having a cup of tea instead of alcohol, putting your phone on airplane mode, or going for a walk to re-center yourself. 

It may take half an hour longer, but the effects will last way longer and you will feel stronger in your ability to choose that option for yourself.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

My first experience with therapy

"Talking to a therapist, I thought, was like taking your clothes off and then taking your skin off, and then having the other person say, "Would you mind opening up your rib cage so that we can start?" -Julie Schumacher

 I started middle school just after my parents announced they were getting divorced.

For awhile, my relationship with both of my parents was pretty much nonexistent, while I tried to figure out how I felt. Growing up, none of my friends parents were divorced, so I didn't ever consider it an option for my parents. Until it happened.

I don't remember who was in touch first: whether it was my mom with the school guidance counselor, or her with my mom. But somehow the pair ended up working together in attempt to get me to talk about my feelings.

"I don't want to."

"Brianna Kwasnik to the guidance office," I heard over the loudspeaker one day during class.

I rolled my eyes, and told my teacher I would go in between classes, as an excuse to get out of it.

I would have hall passes written for me and sent to my class to excuse me, but I would crumple them up and throw them in the trash.

The next day, one would came laminated. And I threw that out, too.

When I finally went to the guidance office, I stared back at the woman like she was speaking in a different language. She told me all of the things she was supposed to say to make me feel safe, like how her office was a safe space, and everything I said to her would stay between us.

I felt like I was wasting my time and hers, because I didn't feel like I was old enough to have any real problems. I didn't want to talk about my parents divorce, because than that would make it real, and I didn't want it to be real. When my parents first got divorced, it was a lot of back and forth with both my mom and dad trying to vent out their frustration with the other one, and me being the soundboard for those frustrations. I felt exhausted. I wanted to love them the same as I did when they lived in the house. I didn't want to think of them different or see them any less. I didn't want it to be real. But, I didn't want this stranger to know that. I didn't want anyone at school to know that. I didn't want anyone at school to know what was going on at home, it was none of their business, I thought.

I was really concerned about being seen walking out of the guidance counselor's office. I grew up with a stigma of sorts surrounding therapy, that talking to someone made you 'crazy' or weak, and I didn't want to be that, because I knew that wasn't who I was.

My dad was against it completely, and didn't want me talking to a stranger.

Eventually, I had warmed up to the idea, and when something would happen at home whether it be my dad talking poorly about my mom, or my dad not answering my phone call, or when he moved out of the house, I couldn't wait to tell someone about it and get it off my chest.

My school guidance counselor had sent my mom a list of therapists that I could see outside of school. I think her referral was a combination of not wanting to take me out of class anymore, and seeing how much my parent's divorce really affected my spirit and confused me.

It's always weird when you switch therapists, and you feel like another person knows your whole story, and this new person should just pick up where she left off. Like what do you mean I have to start from the beginning? Where do I begin? How far back do I go?

At first I did not want to talk to a new therapist. I never do, and usually spend the first two sessions having them prod me with questions and me giving generic one or two word answers, and nothing more. When I started going to counseling for the first time out of school, I had my mom sit in on every session. I wanted her there as extra support.

Once I felt comfortable enough to open up and talk about how I felt about what was going on with my parents divorce, it was like a faucet that wouldn't turn off. An hour came and went, and never in my life had felt shorter. Every week I didn't know I had so much to say.

The great thing about therapy, is that the person isn't there to judge you, but to help you make sense of a certain situation with an outside perspective.

If I was talking about my mom, maybe she would be able to help me see things from my mom's perspective. Maybe she would be able to give me advice on how to work things out with my mom. If I was talking about my dad, she might be able to point out a pattern in his behavior that I couldn't see.

In time, I was able to take her analytical skills, and when I would talk about things, I would share, then cut her off, already making my own inference about why things happened the way they did, or why I reacted in a certain way.

It quickly became a relief for me to get my feelings out and not have them pent up inside of me. I wasn't carrying around burdens that weren't mine to bear, and if they were mine to bear, I can put them down in her office, and move on. My therapist and my mom encouraged me that if a bad feeling came up that I wouldn't stew in it, I could open a journal, write about it in the moment and release those feelings on paper.

Between therapy once a week and writing in my journal, which I could do whenever I needed to, it felt like a purge. It felt like the feeling you get after an intense workout and the happy endorphins are released. You feel lighter, at ease.

Like anything else, everyone's experience is different, but I'd say therapy is always worth a shot. It's important to research therapists in your area- see if they take your insurance, maybe you prefer a female therapist over a male, or the other way around. If you're currently in school, see your guidance counselor or school therapist, most colleges include therapy in the school insurance plan- use it to your advantage! And most importantly, develop your own opinion on the topic and don't pay any mind to what other people think. If someone is putting down the idea of therapy, they could just not have a lot of experience with it or know a lot about it. If it helps you, that's all that matters.