How Not to Hate Your Ex

"Okay, we didn't work, and all memories to tell you the truth aren't good. But sometimes there were good times. Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid. There should be stars for great wars like ours."

-Sandra Cisneros 

I have friendships with several of my exes.
 It's my personal philosophy that if you've ever loved someone, those feelings don't automatically turn sour, just because things didn't work out in a romantic way between you two.
With that being said, that's contingent on the fact that there was no violence or emotional abuse involved.
And when I enter new relationships, I don't hide this fact. I make sure my new potential partner knows that I maintain a friendly contact with a given ex, and that it's not in any romantic or sexual way, so they shouldn't feel threatened.

Focus on the good 

If a relationship doesn't work out, ask yourself why. It helps to reflect on the situation. Maybe certain circumstances out of your control, like timing, or where you were at in your life at that particular point didn't match. Look internally, at your behavior, if you acted or reacted in a certain way that you don't want to in the future. For example, maybe instead of communicating with your partner when something was bothering you, you ignored it, which later led to hurt feelings and a fight. That could have been avoided by addressing the issue with your partner so you could talk about it up front.

I met the man I was convinced I was going to marry when I was 19. We were in very different stages of life. Me, in college, taking 18 credit hours in school, and working as close to full-time as I could get to buff up my resume.
He, serving in the Army, living in his own apartment and paying his own bills.
He had previously been engaged and it didn't work out.
He was ready to try again, so he said. He was ready for a wife and a family.

I couldn't drink, so I often felt left out when he would go out to the bar with his buddies, and felt like there was a lot of things I couldn't do.

I didn't have a car, so our plans depended on him, and when he wanted to come pick me up from campus.

Even though it didn't work at that time, I still have love and respect for him, because he was a large part of my life at the time. I learned a lot. I learned that I do want marriage and to have a family of my own, when circumstances are right. He was a big support system for me at the time. I learned how to be in a partnership, and how to be comfortable with my body. I will always be grateful to him for that.

Learn what you don't want

I've dated a few men that were more interested in the party scene, drugs and alcohol than they were in having a relationship with me. For too long I held the belief that I could be the supportive girlfriend and "love them through it". This is a more 'romantic' way to say "I can fix them" and it's just not going to happen.
Stop intentionally breaking your own heart.
 You can't force yourself to be a priority to someone.
 It's better to be alone, than to feel alone with company.
 These relationships often left me with lower self-esteem than I came in with, and I felt exhausted, and my spirit depleted.
But, it helped me to be able to see signs of similar behavior in the future, earlier on in the relationship, and I can start running earlier. It helped me to see that for me, that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker and something I don't have the time or energy to put up with.

Be honest from the get-go

I've learned to be honest upfront about things that are important to me. I'm not talking from the first date, but as time is right, open up about things that matter to you. This could be your past, your beliefs, mental health, etc.
One of the things I am open about in the beginning of a new relationship is my dedication to taking care of my mental health. I go to therapy, and I want my partner to be supportive and accepting of that. So far, I haven't met anyone who hasn't been. Thankfully.
I've had partners who have been open with me about their mental health, but unwilling to get help they needed to take care of themselves. I don't want to backslide, so I've learned for the future if someone isn't ready for help, wish them well and move on.
My self-care regimen is extremely important to my well-being and has been hard earned, so I work hard to protect that.
I've had partners that questioned why I take medication as a form of treatment, and thought they knew what would be better for my well-being than my doctors did.
I didn't open up to those people for a reason. They went through my medicine cabinet and found my medication, and then confronted me about it.
I want to be with someone who uplifts me, not drags me down. I don't want to be with someone who tries to pin their own idea of "self-care" on me, and tries to encourage me to go off medication, or stop attending therapy, because that's what they believe for me. Unless, they have a PhD (maybe).

Don't compare, don't demean

I think a lot of us are curious when our former partner moves on, and want to see who they've moved on with. Don't check social media pages, it's not your business anymore. Don't compare the status of their relationship with how things went between you two, or the timeline of how they've progressed, you will only frustrate yourself.

Relationships take different forms

I always say I still have love for (some) of the men I've dated. Just because my care isn't romantic love anymore, doesn't mean I can't love them as a friend and genuinely wish them well. If they text me and need help with something, I try to be there, within reason. (Again, this is tentative on how it ended and as long as there was no abuse involved)
The basis of a strong relationship starts from a genuine friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean you can't go back to that if both people are willing once the healing is done. The healing and moving on is key in order to revert back to a healthy friendship. This likely won't happen right away, and might not happen at all. Be patient and honest with yourself.

Something's missing

"Something's missing and I don't know how to fix it/ Something's missing and I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is at all/ I can't be sure that this sate of mind is not of my own design/ I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness/ for loneliness like this." 

-'Something's Missing', John Mayer 

 There's a new wave of 'perfectionism' plaguing our generation, if that's the correct term. 

'Do everything, see everything, be everything syndrome', as I like to call it. Our generation is getting older, faster, taking on more responsibilities at a younger age either because they want to be self-sufficient 'right now', or they have no other choice.

Read through the headlines on trendy online media sites: "how to be debt-free by 23," "Why I quit my job and moved across the world", "How I travel the globe without a 9 to 5," "How to eat everything you want and still have a flat stomach."

Is it any wonder that our generation is increasingly more depressed and anxious?

If headlines were honest:

"What to do when you're 23 and you're debt is greater than your annual salary," "How I maintain a life with! no! money! (without asking my mom)" "How to eat whatever you want and not give a F-"

Regardless of what age you are, there will always be 'societal expectations' placed on your back. Is it just me, or have they gotten heavier?

In your 20's: have a full-time job, pay off your loans, don't miss a payment, drive a new-ish used car, have an extravagant social life, travel internationally at least twice a year with your friends (but don't forget to post about it!)

Late 20's- early 30's: "If you like it then you better put a ring on it!" Girl, show that ring. What do you mean you don't have- oh, awkward, change the subject! Start having babies or planning on it, become the perfect Pinterest mommy, pack lunch, plan playdates, forget sleep and your love for your husband, it's all about the child, and other moms, now. Have that wedding that you've been planning with your friends since you were 13. Remember: it's not about your love story, it's about the guests and the pictures, so keep that in mind during the planning process. This is also around the time you perfect your skincare routine, switch to only expensive products that you have to import. Have a workout routine and start food-shaming your friends for eating something you wish you weren't afraid of.

The truth is: no one is happy following these perceived timelines or abiding by the rules we think we have to follow. So why do we do it? Who are we trying to impress?

If headlines told the truth: wherever you're at in life, in this current moment; you're doing it right. In fact, you're doing amazing.

If you have student loans that you have yet to pay off, you have a diploma in hand, and hopefully are working in a field you love. If not, I hope it comes for you very soon. Keep looking.

If you can't travel internationally, start locally. Go to a coffee shop you haven't been to yet, explore a state park. You don't have to spend a ton of money to gain experience.

If you don't have a ring, so what? It does not add, nor does it take away from your worth. If you have a special someone, having the ring doesn't change what you have. If you don't have that special someone, be patient, it will happen for you, if that's something you want.

If you don't have a new car, depreciating fresh off the lot, join the club! My car and I are almost the same age, the AC has given up, so has the radio, but in our defense, it still has tires. It gets me from A to B, and B gives me a paycheck.

If you don't have a 'workout routine' or an 'eating plan', good for you. Of course your health is important, so still be sure to take care of yourself, but focus your energy on something that is important to you. Maybe it's art, maybe it's volunteering, or research, no one can dictate that for you.

If you're feeling bad or stressed about the so-called 'timeline of life', let's perfect our response together: "F- that!" Stop comparing, stop competing and live your life on your own terms.

How I manage my anxiety

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but wanting to control it."

My first panic attack happened when I was in college. I was 20 years old, working full-time, two part-time jobs in my field, one that consisted of an hour commute each way. I was also in school full-time.

I thought I could manage everything effectively. On top of that, I had homework and studying, I wanted to go to the gym, and for a bike ride on the weekends. I wanted to hangout with my friends, and sit in the cafeteria for dinner.

But eventually, something would have to give. I couldn't do it all, and still get a proper nights sleep.

3 a.m., I woke up in a cold sweat soaking through my pajama shirt, my heart was racing, and I started sobbing.

I couldn't remember if I did my homework for my class the next day, and I was scared.

Should I get out of bed and do it now? Should I set an alarm to wake up early, to get it done before class? Should I just skip?

I started falling behind in classes, and panic attacks became a more common occurrence.

It seemed I could never escape my racing thoughts, or calm down for longer than five minutes.

Over the course of the last seven years, I have tried almost every product marketed to manage anxiety, and every 'tried and true' at home remedy. I have become keen on what works, and what is just a ploy to take your money.

One of the main things to keep in mind, is that with feelings of anxiety or depression, it seems the last thing we want to do as it's occurring is the thing we know will make us feel better. We may know that this has worked for us before, but we feel trapped in our panic, or our feelings of numbness.

It's a mental trap. Take a few deep breaths, and do your best to talk yourself out of it, and try one of these things that have worked for me:

TEA:

I think any caffeine-free tea would help calm down your thoughts, and ease tension you're holding in your body. However, my favorite from all of the teas I have tried is Yogi Tea's Honey Lavender for Stress Relief. I keep a few bags of these in my desk at work, and a few bags in my purse in case I am at somebody's house and feel like tea.

JOURNALING:

Journaling is one of those things where you know it will make you feel better afterwards, to get your feelings out, but for some reason, many of us are too reluctant lazy, too put pen to paper. Me included. 

I have been liking the "list" journals, because they are easy, don't take a lot of time, and more often then not, inspire you to write more. But, you don't have to have an expensive or themed journal to write. Use the 'notes' section in your phone, write on a napkin, or a journal you have laying around the house. 

Write what you're thinking, what's making you mad or stressing you out, make a pros/cons list. It's a great way to sort out your feelings and re-focus and prioritize what's important. 

Note to self: don't "forget" to journal tonight- take one minute!

CBD:

CBD has recently grown in popularity over the last year. Cannabidol, is the cannabinoid found in the hemp plant. There is less than 0.3% THC to no THC in CBD, making it non-psychoactive (doesn't get you high). Some of the benefits include: reduced feelings of anxiety or depression, helps promote restful sleep, eases sore muscles and bones, etc. CBD can come in the form of edibles, oil, or cremes. It is best to talk with your doctor before trying CBD. Dosing and affects will vary for each person. 

CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety, by allowing my thoughts to slow down, and my heart to stop racing. If I feel like I will have trouble sleeping, I can take a relax bear, or this particular brand, Green Roads, has Sleepy Z's edibles, made with hemp and melatonin. 

BOXING/YOGA:

Boxing has always been a source of calm for me. You can take all of your stress or anger out on the punching bags, and leave feeling of tension behind at the gym. When I was in college, I attended Punch Boxing Gym, religiously three to four times a week. I met more friends there than I did from my school. It was nice to have a sense of community, people to hold you accountable, and be around people who shared the same interests. 

The same is true for me with yoga, though I only recently got into it. I prefer hot yoga, because I have always liked intense workouts. I feel like in some way the sweating is metaphoric for sweating out all of the bad feelings, along with the bad things held in my body that I no longer need. I'm getting rid of things that don't serve me to hold onto. 

I always tell people, this is true with any exercise. Find a way to move your body that feels good for you, that you enjoy. This could be dancing, karate, spinning, whatever.

If you can afford it, join a gym, and meet people who share the same interests as you. 

If you're in school, attend the gym on campus, or community center, whatever you have access to. 

If not, find a YouTube video and move at home. It all counts!

A HOT BATH:

After a long day, there is nothing better than a hot bubble bath! I don't think I am physically capable of doing nothing, so I will light a candle, put on some good music, and either write or read my book while taking a bath. 

COLOR:

My family used to make fun of me, because I never stopped coloring as I aged. Now that the "adult coloring book" fad has taken off, I'm the one laughing. I was ahead of the curve. The more intricate the design, I think the more your mind is taken off of what is bothering you:you're focused on staying in the lines, what colors to use, and what to do next. If you start to feel stressed or overwhelmed by the page- it is time to stop for the time being and give it a break.

Bringing your eating disorder on vacation

"Don't let your mind bully your body"

The first thing that comes to mind when I plan a vacation is: where am I going to go to the gym?

There have been too many instances where my eating disorder has gotten in the way of truly getting to experience new things, or enjoying old things with my friends and family; like passing up pizza and bagels in New York, refusing to go to restaurants with my sister in California, and opting for only salad at the all-inclusive buffet on a cruise. My eating disorder loves to vacation, despite the fact that she was never invited.

My family has a tradition to go on a cruise every year at Christmas.

This year was a 7-day cruise of the Caribbean.

Before we were set to depart, immense anxiety set in. I had a good routine going at the gym, and I depended on it to manage my depression. My mom said that she didn't want me going to the gym every day on the cruise, only days when we were at sea.

I didn't like that restriction.

She told me she didn't want me eating only salad.

I didn't like that restriction.

I didn't like the rules. My eating disorder hates rules. She hates knowing she's being watched, and likes to act in spite of rules. I was going to work out. And most likely, I was going to only eat healthy.

She was not invited, but like always, she threatened to stow away in my carry-on. She goes where I do, she reminded me. She did not need a formal invitation.

Sometimes rules can help.

I don't like to count the days of recovery, because every day is work.

When focused on recovery, making rules can be really beneficial in staying on track. For me, the rules were almost anti-rules. Every rule my eating disorder made, for example what foods were considered 'safe', or rules about working out, my recovery mindset would be the opposite.

I promised my mom that while we were on the cruise, I would only go to the gym on days we were at sea all day. When we were at port, we would be walking around and exploring for the majority of the day, so we would still be getting exercise. Plus, I didn't want to be tired or sore.

I told myself that I would not use food or exercise as an excuse to miss out on experience. If my mom or sister asked me to do something, I would do it. I would not skip anything, because I had to go to the gym.

When my mind challenged me, I reminded myself that indulging in a few meals I would not normally eat would not throw me off-track. Having dessert would not cause me to gain a significant amount of weight. Not working out for a few days would not throw off my progress. Vacation is meant to be enjoyed. I reminded myself that my diet and my gym would be there when I got back home. The things in front of me, like local beer, decadent desserts, homemade pastas were not always available to me.

New things

I have never known a vacation where my eating disorder was not along for the ride, so this trip felt truly special to me.

I tried the local beer at every port we stopped at. I had plantains in Dominican Republic. We went to a chocolate factory, where I had the best hot chocolate I ever tasted in my life. I bought two candy bars to bring home, that never made it home, because they were so good. I had rum at Casa de Bacardi in Puerto Rico. I had homemade pasta on the cruise three nights in a row.

We learned how to roll cigars in the Dominican Republic, and in the Bahamas I snorkeled for the first time in the bluest waters I've ever seen.

Of course in the back of my mind, old thoughts were always there. But, I didn't allow myself to act on them. I reminded myself as often as I needed to that these experiences were once-in-a-lifetime.

At the end of the trip, I felt happiness, because I did not allow food or exercise to get in the way of experience. I spent time with my mom and my sister, and I was not angry, or bitter about food or exercise. I wanted time and connection. I felt happy that I was unchained from the disorder for 7 days to truly experience new things, and at the end of the trip, I did not have feelings of guilt that I missed out, or I didn't do something that I wanted to do, and that my mom and sister did not feel burdened or as if they missed out because of my disorder.

Given that eating disorders thrive off rules, I think setting 'anti-rules' can be helpful for some in breaking disordered habits. For example: "I will only go to the gym when x, and if someone invites me to do something, I will not say no, because I feel like I have to go to the gym", or "I know vacation is only x days, so I will try local foods", "I am only home for so long, so I will eat my favorites with no guilt"

At the end of the day, I think there is more unhappiness brought from feelings of missing out and missed opportunities, than if you ate the cake, or had the beer.

Goodbye, 2018

It feels like just yesterday we were gathered around the TV at the bar, counting down the seconds until the ball dropped, bringing in 2018.

It's now December, and as I type this, I'm on the other-side of the country.

I feel as if things have come full circle in a way. This year brought many changes, both positive and negative, but I wrote my way through them both.

I look forward to the new year and seeing what new opportunities it has to offer.

I'm entering the new year with hope, optimism, and fearlessness.

What I'm grateful for this year:

• 

  At the 2018 NEDA walk with my sister in Santa Monica, CA. This was the second year we fundraised and participated in the walk.
  
  

• Participating in the 2018 NEDA walk. This was the second year we started a team, raised money, and participated in the walk. It means so much to me that our friends would give up their Saturday morning to support this amazing organization that provides life-saving information and resources. I will always be happy to support this organization.

2018 NEDA walk in Santa Monica, CA. It means the world to me that our friends would give up their Saturday to learn about and support this life saving organization and support my recovery.

• Meeting an amazing group of friends in LA. I struggled in LA navigating a different way of life than I was used to. I was lucky to find a group of genuine friends.

With my sister at her birthday celebration. Welcome to the last year of your 20's!

We rented a boat in Marina Del Ray for my sister's birthday

• My sister and I getting to celebrate our birthdays together. We don't get to do this too often. Welcome to the last year of your 20's, Alex!

If you're a bird, I'm a bird

At a polish restaurant for Alex's birthday. One of our favorite places in town

Celebrating my birthday with friends at the Saddle Ranch

• I was happy to celebrate my birthday with friends. I never really planned anything big for my birthday since I was a kid, so it was nice to have my friends come together for this night. We saw a comedy show, then went to a country bar in Hollywood.

The third Kwasnik sister?

• Getting to share the story about my eating disorder recovery in a Sunday edition of The Tampa Bay Times. This was a hard one for me to write. Though I write about my recovery journey often, this story gave me the opportunity to share with a much larger audience. I wanted to express certain points and provide helpful tips to any families that may be experiencing similar things. I didn't know where to start- I had so much I wanted to say! I'm so grateful for the Times for their support, and their willingness to publish a story like this, and for the editors sensitivity during editing, and checking in on me that I was comfortable throughout the process.

My story online

I was blown away when I saw the space they gave my story. The artist did an amazing job depicting what I wanted readers to take away from my story

My former editor, friend, and journalist role model, Ernest Hooper, even gave me a shout out in his column. I was so surprised by this !

• Growing in my yoga practice. I used to never be a huge fan of yoga, because it has always been hard for me to slow down and be present, because my depression always caught up with me. I felt like the wheels always had to be in motion, and I always had to be moving. I was on the run, and I was tired. My practice has helped me tremendously with repairing my relationship with my body: I appreciate seeing the progress in my strength, and what my body can do.

I never thought I would be able to do this!

Yoga has taught me that it's OK to go slow, be present, and take the time needed for yourself

• Getting to live in Santa Monica, California, for a year and a half. Despite coming to the realization that this life wasn't for me, living there, and with my sister allowed me to heal and fully immerse myself in recovering from my eating disorder and depression, and get over that hump from being out of the hospital. I met an amazing group of friends, I had some great opportunities in my career. My sister and I had the opportunity to bond and spend a lot of time together that we don't often have, living on opposite sides of the country. I will forever be grateful to my sister for her patience with me during this time, her support, and overall, just being there for me. Always. I love you, sis.

Santa Monica is incredibly beautiful. We were fortunate enough to live nine blocks from the beach and Santa Monica Pier. Everyone should spend some amount of time here.

Spending time with my sister and some of my closest friends, before I left for the airport to fly back to Florida. 

• Accepting a full-time journalism job at the Charlotte Sun in Port Charlotte, Florida. The opportunity provided me the ability to do meaningful work that I love every day. I immediately fell in love with my new community and the people here, and feel honored to be able to elevate their stories to a larger audience.

• Moving back to Florida: the first and only place that I fully considered my home. I feel as if I breathe easier without the pressure to put on some kind of show, or keep up a lifestyle that doesn't fit who I am.

I'm only a few hours from my mom, so I can go home whenever I want and cuddle with this sweet angel. I realize I can never be too far from my family, or I will feel lost.

Punta Gorda, Florida

• 
  New friendships and new relationships. I've had some amazing friendships develop this year, which I'm truly grateful for. Friendships are extremely important to me, and I feel lucky to have friends around the country, who I work hard to stay in touch with. You put in the time for things that matter to you. I believe everyone comes into your life for a reason, whatever that reason may be, to provide you whatever you need at that specific time in your life. Regardless of how long that relationship lasts, I never harbor negative feelings. I thank them for what they taught me, and wish them well. 

Goals for 2019:

-Focus on myself, my career, and only things that make me feel happy and alive.

-Cultivate positive friendships

-Eliminate friendships and relationships that no longer serve me

-Write something at least once a week

-Read 25 books this year

-Do things that make me happy and stop asking for permission

-Stop seeking validation from people I shouldn't need validation from

-Be a little more selfish

Joining a gym post-recovery

"Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that doesn't get a day off." -Demi Lovato

Early in my recovery, working out was my biggest fear. For me, exercise has always been a slippery slope, as I didn't know how to do it halfway, in a healthy way.

When I was in the thick of my eating disorder, I remember working out until I felt faint. I would go to the boxing gym on an empty stomach, throwing all of my weight at the bags as if my life depended on it. Because in my eyes at that point, it did. My mom was worried because of my weight, I might break a bone. But, I refused to take a day off.

I wanted to work harder than anyone else in the gym, never realizing that no one else was competing. I felt frustrated when my body refused to run on fumes, instead, forcing me to tap out of my workout early.

I felt there was no bigger failure. No bigger embarrassment than people thinking I couldn't make it through a workout.

I had rules when it came to the gym. Lots of them: what I would eat beforehand, how long I would stay, what muscles I would work, what to eat afterwards, or what not to eat.

Two years into my recovery, I had to admit that I'm still not positive how to workout healthy all of the time. I worked at three different gyms, never understanding what my mom meant when she said it was like an alcoholic working in a bar. I thought I could handle it. For me, it was like working in a bar. I could workout whenever and as often as I wanted. And I took full advantage.

I worked out six to seven days a week for an hour and a half to two hours. I was already in the gym for my shift, so it was very easy to work out for thirty minutes before and after work. I was already there, so I would feel guilt for not working out. Not using my time wisely.

When you have a history of exercise addiction, it's a very thin line between healthy behavior and obsession. That line was not often clear to me, especially since I was still trying to hide from my friends and family how much time I was actually spending in the gym.

Behaviors and habits from my eating disorder were still there, and I thought that I was on top of it, but I often acknowledged them, then ignored them.

A co-worker would comment on how much weight I lost... I would briefly worry that I was backtracking, then feel a sliver of pride that I was losing weight again.

When I moved to Florida, I was worried about not having access to a gym, and whether I would gain weight. My mom thought it would be best if I didn't join a gym right away, I thought it'd be best that I did, and not mention it.

But, I wanted to approach it in a healthy way. To do so, I would need rules. A lot of them. A different kind of rules. So, I asked for help. I asked my friends and family what negative behaviors they saw I had surrounding the gym, and made a base list of rules for me when I decided to work out:

• Never skip an invitation, because I have to go to the gym (regardless of how bad I might not want to go)
• If I'm tired/sick, etc., do not force myself to work out
• Do not spend longer than an hour and a half
• Do not use the gym as punishment for having ate/drank anything
• Practice intuitive exercise/ intuitive eating
• If I feel faint, go home, eat, re-hydrate and rest
• Do not step on the scale under any circumstance
• If I feel like I'm struggling with over-exercising, ask for help. Be honest about how long I'm spending in the gym
• Eat to fuel my body, refuel. 

For those looking to get back into a work out plan post-recovery, I would say it is definitely possible. Intuitive exercise is the best approach. Find a way to move your body that makes you feel happy (dancing, boxing, swimming, etc.) Moving is not a way to punish your body. Also, don't rush getting back to the gym. Allow your mind and body time to heal. Ask for help from your support system when and as often as you need it. And most importantly, be kind to yourself. Two years into recovery, I mess up often. When I am stressed, it is easier for me to over-exercise as a form of distraction. When I am hurt, upset, or any other negative emotion, I feel triggered easier, and head to the gym. You will mess up. It's OK. Hold yourself accountable, be honest, and start again. Ask yourself what triggered you, and find an additional method of comfort/distraction besides the gym to practice self- care.