Bringing your eating disorder on vacation

"Don't let your mind bully your body"

The first thing that comes to mind when I plan a vacation is: where am I going to go to the gym?

There have been too many instances where my eating disorder has gotten in the way of truly getting to experience new things, or enjoying old things with my friends and family; like passing up pizza and bagels in New York, refusing to go to restaurants with my sister in California, and opting for only salad at the all-inclusive buffet on a cruise. My eating disorder loves to vacation, despite the fact that she was never invited.

My family has a tradition to go on a cruise every year at Christmas.

This year was a 7-day cruise of the Caribbean.

Before we were set to depart, immense anxiety set in. I had a good routine going at the gym, and I depended on it to manage my depression. My mom said that she didn't want me going to the gym every day on the cruise, only days when we were at sea.

I didn't like that restriction.

She told me she didn't want me eating only salad.

I didn't like that restriction.

I didn't like the rules. My eating disorder hates rules. She hates knowing she's being watched, and likes to act in spite of rules. I was going to work out. And most likely, I was going to only eat healthy.

She was not invited, but like always, she threatened to stow away in my carry-on. She goes where I do, she reminded me. She did not need a formal invitation.

Sometimes rules can help.

I don't like to count the days of recovery, because every day is work.

When focused on recovery, making rules can be really beneficial in staying on track. For me, the rules were almost anti-rules. Every rule my eating disorder made, for example what foods were considered 'safe', or rules about working out, my recovery mindset would be the opposite.

I promised my mom that while we were on the cruise, I would only go to the gym on days we were at sea all day. When we were at port, we would be walking around and exploring for the majority of the day, so we would still be getting exercise. Plus, I didn't want to be tired or sore.

I told myself that I would not use food or exercise as an excuse to miss out on experience. If my mom or sister asked me to do something, I would do it. I would not skip anything, because I had to go to the gym.

When my mind challenged me, I reminded myself that indulging in a few meals I would not normally eat would not throw me off-track. Having dessert would not cause me to gain a significant amount of weight. Not working out for a few days would not throw off my progress. Vacation is meant to be enjoyed. I reminded myself that my diet and my gym would be there when I got back home. The things in front of me, like local beer, decadent desserts, homemade pastas were not always available to me.

New things

I have never known a vacation where my eating disorder was not along for the ride, so this trip felt truly special to me.

I tried the local beer at every port we stopped at. I had plantains in Dominican Republic. We went to a chocolate factory, where I had the best hot chocolate I ever tasted in my life. I bought two candy bars to bring home, that never made it home, because they were so good. I had rum at Casa de Bacardi in Puerto Rico. I had homemade pasta on the cruise three nights in a row.

We learned how to roll cigars in the Dominican Republic, and in the Bahamas I snorkeled for the first time in the bluest waters I've ever seen.

Of course in the back of my mind, old thoughts were always there. But, I didn't allow myself to act on them. I reminded myself as often as I needed to that these experiences were once-in-a-lifetime.

At the end of the trip, I felt happiness, because I did not allow food or exercise to get in the way of experience. I spent time with my mom and my sister, and I was not angry, or bitter about food or exercise. I wanted time and connection. I felt happy that I was unchained from the disorder for 7 days to truly experience new things, and at the end of the trip, I did not have feelings of guilt that I missed out, or I didn't do something that I wanted to do, and that my mom and sister did not feel burdened or as if they missed out because of my disorder.

Given that eating disorders thrive off rules, I think setting 'anti-rules' can be helpful for some in breaking disordered habits. For example: "I will only go to the gym when x, and if someone invites me to do something, I will not say no, because I feel like I have to go to the gym", or "I know vacation is only x days, so I will try local foods", "I am only home for so long, so I will eat my favorites with no guilt"

At the end of the day, I think there is more unhappiness brought from feelings of missing out and missed opportunities, than if you ate the cake, or had the beer.

Trying on clothes post-recovery

Like everything else in my life post-recovery, I have a complicated relationship with shopping.

Through mainstream media and fashion, we are sold the idea that a size zero or size two equates to happiness: the best clothes, the hottest men, etc. 

For awhile, I bought this idea, too.

I worked hard to lean out my normally size eight body. I always ate well and exercised hard, so I couldn't understand why my body naturally gravitated and felt comfortable at a size eight.

That's too big, I told myself.

As I fell down further of the path of restricting, the weight started to slip off my body. Fast.

One would think this would have made me happy, but I was more uncomfortable than ever before.

Trying on clothes, I wasn't sure what to do. I have always preferred my clothes to fit me loosely rather than tight. It's a combination of the fact that I live in Florida, and want lighter, and looser fit clothing in the heat, with the added factor that I have always been uncomfortable with my femininity. Having what I deemed a 'larger' body, i.e a bigger chest, bigger legs, etc. I didn't want to show that off. 

I was always sold the message of small, and to do what you can to make your body smaller, take up less space. 

Now that my frame was smaller, I thought I might try on smaller, tighter clothes. Having a distorted perception of my body, I thought I looked good and wanted to show it off. 

But I was still unhappy. 

My body started to feel like a shell. An overworked, under-nurtured shell. There was no longer anybody home. No one inside.

As I looked in the mirror trying on clothes, I would begin to get upset as bones replaced where skin once protected what was inside.

I looked away before the tears started to fall.

I was sold the idea that a size zero would make you happy, you would look your best, feel your best, etc. However, having strayed so far from where my body felt naturally comfortable, I was anxious all of the time. This wasn't my body. 

I would throw the clothes over my head quick enough to tell if it fit, than I would take it off just as fast and decide whether or not I would make the purchase. 

I need to have something that fit.

I was going through clothes fast, and I couldn't stop.

Even my underwear began to slide off my body inside my shorts. 

It was too big. Nothing fit.

It felt like a direct daggar to my heart to watch my moms face fall as she watched me go into the fitting room with the smallest women's size in the store, and come out with three fingers in the side of the jeans, demonstrating it was too big.

My mom cried, and I returned to the fitting room so I could, too.

When the doctors told me that it was no longer safe for me to exercise, I gathered up all of my activewear from my closet and hid it in a drawer in the corner of my room, that I knew I wouldn't open and have to come face-to-face with on a regular basis.

It hurt me to see them. It tempted me to see them. I wanted to exercise.

Living in South Florida and being dangerously underweight, I spent most of the year, and all of summer in over-sized sweaters. I was always cold. 

I will never forget the feeling of immense shame when my mom had to take me to the kids section of Walmart in order for me to find clothes that fit.

I was just released from the hospital and desperate to get out of my clothes from the hospital closet. I wanted to throw them away, and never think of them again.

My mom picked out a few T-Shirts, and long sleeves from the boys section in various colors, and two sweatshirts to keep me warm.

As we walked, I held up my underwear with one hand to keep it from sliding down into my pant leg.

I was embarrassed to admit to my mom that I needed underwear that fit me. Having to hold it up throughout the day was making me angry and filling me with shame that my body was disappearing more and more everyday.

I whispered to her, and without a second thought my mom went over to the girls section to look for a pair that might fit me.

A 21-year-old woman should not have to be shopping in the girls section for clothes, let alone for underwear.

As a group of hot guys my age passed, my mom held up a pair of Halloween underwear with cat ears on them,

"how about these honey?" 

I looked at the boys and in that moment hung my head and wanted to sob. This was anything but sexy.

My once curvy body has been diminished to that of a six-year-old girl, and to add shame to the already blazing fire, it had cat ears and glitter.

As my body healed and I began to recover, my body started to fall back to it's natural weight, where it functioned best and felt healthiest finding clothes that fit again became a source of stress.

Luckily for my budget, I hadn't thrown away my old clothes before I had gotten sick, but in some way, it felt like a loss as they started to become less and less loose on my body.

My mom helped me accept the fact when she said, 

"just remember, these clothes [referring to the smaller clothes I had purchased] were never supposed to fit your body."

Rather than becoming disheartened when the smaller sizes didn't fit, I took my mom's advice and stopped trying them on. They were never my clothes. That was never my body. 

I rounded them up in a bag for GoodWill, and donating them, almost as if disposing the evidence that they had ever existed in my closet. They were never intended to be mine.

When it came time to purchase new clothes, I reunited with my old enemies- the fitting room, and the mirror. 

I tried not to look at the sizes of clothes past the point of picking them off the rack. 

If they fit and I felt comfortable, I would buy them, if not I would simply return them to the rack and try again.

To this day, I hate trying on clothes, but I take a few steps to make it easier mentally on myself.

First, I try not to judge my body. Which is the most difficult of all. If I am feeling bloated, I opt not to go into the fitting room at all, knowing the disordered part of my brain will have a field day dissecting my flaws and reminding me of them. In relation with this, once I feel that disordered part of my brain start to pick, I take it as a sign that it is time to stop. Shopping is no longer fun, and it is time for me to call it a day and do another activity.

Second, I don't focus too much on the size. I choose the size that I feel most comfortable with, which is a larger, looser option, and if it doesn't fit, I don't berate myself on why I can't fit into that given number. Every store has a different cut of clothing, so in some stores, you may be a different size than in others. In some stores, the clothing runs small or runs large. 

Third, I'm trying to put in practice more to stop following trends and what I see in magazines, and stick with what I know I like and feel comfortable in, that way the pieces will have longevity for me, and will be a staple in my closet.

For me, I like activewear, leggings, shorts, and T-Shirts when I'm at home, when I'm working, I like a loose blouse with pants, or a dress and cardigan. Those are my staples and what I feel best in. It works for me, may not work for everyone else. It's not supposed to. That's why they call it personal style.

I think given my past of distorted body perception, trying on clothes will always be a source of stress for me. But, I'm slowly realizing that it doesn't have to be. There are steps to make it easier and a more pleasant experience. 

What is 'extreme hunger' and how to deal

Potential trigger warning: this post contains numbers as related to calories and may contain description of my own personal diet. This is not intended to be followed, and any individual should discuss with their doctor to determine what works best for their body. I am not a dietitian, psychiatrist, or any of the sort, just talk about my own personal experience in my anorexia recovery journey in hopes of helping others. 

According to EDinstitute.org, extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone recovering from any kind of eating disorder. During this time, you may want and will need far more than the Homodynamic Recovery Method intake guidelines suggest, and find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000 to 10,000 calories in a single day.

Before I was released from the hospital, I made a promise to my doctors that if they discharged me, I would stick to any meal plan they gave me at home.

The numbers at the time scared me. I was still severely underweight and had to gain a significant amount to be in a safe, normal weight range for my height.

Although the numbers given to me scared me, my doctors encouraged me not to focus on the numbers, not to focus on the long-term in terms of how far I still had to go, but to take it day by day. My doctors had also told me that the more I ate, the more my body would start to trust me again, and I would actually become hungrier. My hunger cues would return, but I wasn't yet at the point where I could only rely on my hunger cues. Sometimes I would have to eat when I wasn't hungry, trusting that my body needed the fuel to repair and rebuild the damage that had been done.

My doctors never told me about extreme hunger.

That would be something I would learn first-hand, on my own, with no one to explain what was happening to me.

The first time I heard my stomach growl outside of the hospital, I cried.

I was scared of my hunger cues. I was scared to feel hungry, after becoming comfortable with feeling empty for so long.

My stomach growled almost immediately after my mom and I had finished breakfast.

She had plated my food for me, as we were at our hotel breakfast buffet, and she knew full well if I was left to decide for myself, the choice of what I should have to eat would paralyze me with anxiety.

She had plated my meal like the doctors had instructed her: a carb, a fat, and a protein, what they say every meal should look like. Plus, I needed a little extra in order to ensure I would gain during the week.

I was having problems with feeling overly full, because I was just starting to eat normally without my feeding tube, so eating a full meal and everything on my plate was extremely uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

It felt like so. much. food.

But, it wasn't.

This was how people ate breakfast everyday.

But coming out of such a prolonged period of restriction, I had to work up to being able to eat normal meals again.

In my lowest periods of restriction, I would sometimes eat as low as under 600 calories a day, and not replenish calories burned from my workout.

My doctors wouldn't give me the number of calories I was expected to eat for fear that it would scare me. Instead they told me I would be able to eyeball it and know if a component was missing, I should add it to my plate for a more complete meal.

Almost immediately when I started eating full meals again and had access to food that wasn't hospital food, my hunger was ravenous.

I still thought about food all of the time, I worried about what I was expected to eat next and when, and I thought about the foods I was afraid to eat, and those I called my "uncompromisables" the food I wouldn't even dare challenge myself to, it was just a no.

I started waking up in the middle of the night hungry.

At the time, having heard nothing about extreme hunger, I was really worried that after severe restriction, my body might swing to the other extreme and start bingeing. For me, this didn't seem too illogical, considering some of these foods have been "banned" from my diet for almost five years! Now I was expected to eat it, encouraged even!

But, I would wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from midnight to 2 a.m. hungry, but with a very specific craving. For the most part, I always wanted peanut butter sandwiches.

I could wake up in the middle of the night, have a sandwich, go rest my head on the pillow, and I'd be hungry again!

I would look at my stomach as if to scorn it, "you just had one!" I whispered.

In the beginning of my recovery I would pace back and forth next to my bed, maybe go get some water, and hope the feeling would pass.

I would not become overweight, I thought. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

After being unable to fall back asleep for an hour, I would have one, even two more sandwiches until I felt satisfied enough to go to sleep.

In the morning I would wake up starving!

I couldn't wait to go down to breakfast.

I felt like my body was betraying my mind.

These were foods I had been scared of just three weeks prior, and now my body could demand five peanut butter sandwiches in one sitting.

Mealtime still gave me immense anxiety, I was still scared to eat, but now my body had the hunger cues. It was asking to be fed, and I seemingly had no option but to give in.

Extreme hunger can provoke more anxiety for the person experiencing it, because a lot of doctors and therapists, even friends I have encountered didn't understand or had never heard the term before!

At the time I had thought they had never heard the term, because maybe I had made it up or something of the sort, but, they had most likely never heard of it because they themselves haven't experienced an eating disorder or had known someone who had.

I've had people tell me that I was binging, that I was compulsively eating, sleep eating, etc. This had really upset me, because I had vocalized that this had been such a big fear of mine. But the way that I ruled out binging or compulsive eating, and all that, is because with binging, you feel as if you have no control over the amount of food you are taking in and it is a short period of time. I always tried to be very mindful, especially when extreme hunger was particularly rampant. I would ask myself 'what is it that I feel like I need/want right now?' 'how would this nourish me?'

For example, during my period of extreme hunger, which lasted probably three-four months, I mainly wanted peanut butter sandwiches. During my periods of restriction, I had completely eliminated fats from my diet, and rarely, if ever consumed bread.

As my doctor explained, fat is necessary for cell growth and for energy, and our brain is made up of fat. So, it only made sense that I was craving what my body needed for repair, having been without fats for so so long.

I had read up a lot about extreme hunger, and I tried my best to explain to my family what it was and what I was experiencing. My family was really supportive, I think they were just so happy to see me eating properly again. I told my mom, mainly, too, because sometimes, as much as I tried to embrace and accept what was happening, it was exhausting.

She would encourage me to try eating more calorie-dense foods, so I wouldn't feel the need to take in a high volume, which scared me- the sheer quantity. However, it didn't seem to help. Sometimes after a day the scale would read a larger number, or my hunger cues just wouldn't rest, I would feel emotionally and physically exhausted, and need someone to talk me through.

I didn't share with everyone what I was experiencing, because as I mentioned, a lot of people who have never experienced eating disorders are not familiar with it. I felt embarrassed by the quantity of food I had to eat, but I knew it was essential for my recovery. My organs were showing signs of shutting down, and had begun to feed off of themselves I had been restricting for so long, so my body desperately craved these nutrients and in large quantities!

During this time, I mainly surrounded myself with my family and made my primary focus my recovery and getting to the weight I needed to be at.

I'm not trying to say that the process is easy- it most certainly is not. But, I put into practice some tips that made it a little bit easier for me.

• If you have been in a period of restriction for a long period of time, accept that extreme hunger is extremely possible for your body. Try to ask yourself what it is your body needs, or what it is you might want to nourish yourself [trying to throw away any previous food rules you might have followed].
• Understand that if you had lost a significant amount of weight, it will come back. This is not a bad thing and do not be scared of this. You are not gaining weight, necessarily. This is your body trying to get back to its natural, healthy state, where you can function best.
• Keeping that in mind, if your doctors/therapist, etc. needs to weigh you- don't look! Cover your eyes, step on the scale backwards, and don't be afraid to let them know not to talk numbers. You. are. not. a number. And there is no number goal in recovery. The numbers are for the doctors to worry about, not you. They will let you know when you're in a healthy range and if you start to slip below that. 
• A big thing for me during recovery was having restricted for so long, and loving shopping like I do, I had bought a lot of clothes that were not my normal size. When I started getting healthy again, these clothes no longer fit. Like I said above, know that this was never your size. This was never the healthy size you were intended to be. If knowing these clothes no longer fit will upset you, don't try them on, simply toss them into a donate pile, and don't give them a second thought.
• Explain to a few people close to you what it is you're going through so they'll be better able to understand and to help you when you hit rough patches.
• Do not compare what you're eating to what the people around you are eating. You are in recovery. Your body requires more than someone whose body has not experienced damage.
• Understand that the period of extreme hunger will not last forever, that it is temporary while your body rebuilds may help to reduce the anxiety you feel. It does not last forever. Your hunger cues will go back to normal.

My Best Day in Recovery

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." Hecato

          "I finally think I understand it now," my mom said. 

          She had just arrived for her daily hospital visit. I was tired and restless. I have been in this bed for at least the last four weeks, and I was craving sunshine. Every day she would arrive, I would ask her what it's like outside. Is it sunny? Does the weather feel nice? What's it like?
          I could watch the weather on the news, of course. But it wasn't the same as feeling the cool air kiss my skin, and looking up to the sky and squinting as the sun reflected in my eyes. The last time I've been outside was the brief moment I was rolled on the stretcher from my hospital room to the waiting ambulance and transported to a new hospital across town better suited to treating patients with eating disorders. 
          The window from my room had an obstructed view. I could tell if it was light or dark, but not much else. 
         As my depression worsened and rapidly manifested itself as an eating disorder and a severe fear of food and properly nourishing my body, I was desperately searching for the words to explain to my family what was happening to me.
          "I don't feel good," I said. "I'm not happy," "It hurts," "It's not my fault."
          "Just eat," they pleaded.
          My sister reminds me now the saddest thing I told her while I was deep in my struggle, searching for a way to explain to them what I was going through.
          "It's always been like this," I told her. "Just now how I felt on the inside is starting to show on the outside."
          My sister cried at the thought, finding it morbid. But to this day, I still think it's the truest explanation. 

          I remember the first day I felt I physically could not eat my lunch. It was not like me to skip a meal. Actually, in university, it was my favorite part of the day, because it allowed me a break from school and work, and just an hour of downtime to sit with my friends, or in front of the TV and enjoy a meal, without the pressure of thinking about anything else.
          I didn't feel hungry, but I knew I had to eat, as I had to head off to work in less than a half an hour. I was happy that the cafeteria was serving sweet potatoes that day, one of my favorite foods. I pulled my chair closer to the table, and looked down at the plate in front of me, and I cried. 
          I was stressed out and had a lot on my theoretical plate, and my mind. 
          I don't know how much of my reliance on food restriction was a conscious choice, or how much was just instinct, a feeling that I had control over some aspect of my life. But, at the time, it felt good that I didn't feel hungry. I felt superior over the demons I was fighting. I felt like I could have everything: classes I loved at school, work I was proud of and co-workers I was happy to work alongside, but I didn't need this. Maybe other people did, but I was sure I didn't. 
          
         
          "The part of your brain that is refusing to allow you to eat," my mom said, "that's not you, that's not my Brianna- that's the bad Brianna."
          This was something my mom pondered about before. I've been through a lot in the past four weeks of the hospital. I showed little progress and hadn't been able to gain any of the weight I lost back, but every now and again I would show signs of hope that I would get better. That was the hope my mom held on to- that maybe, just maybe, I would come out of this alive, with minimal long-term damage to my organs.

          The first day my mom arrived at the hospital, I didn't know she was coming. I had been admitted the night before, because my heart rate was dangerously low- in the 40's. I was almost immediately checked into the Intensive Care Unit to be monitored over night, because the situation would be dire if my HR were to drop any lower. 
           Nurses wrapped me in blankets hoping to preserve my body heat and avoid any further drop in HR. Before I fell asleep, the nurse asked me that in the event of an emergency, would I want the doctors to do everything they could to revive me and save my life. 
          I told her no, and signed my name on a "DNR." 
          I was 21 years old, labeled a 'fall risk', having my heart rate closely monitored, and told the nurses that if anything were to happen overnight, to let me die peacefully. This is what I wanted, I was sure. I signed my name on the line. 
          When I woke up in the morning, I was told my mom was on her way, a four hour drive from where she lived to the hospital. 
          The nurses said they didn't believe I was making decisions that were in my best interest, so my mom was now in charge of making all medical decisions for me, and she should be here within the hour.
          

          When my mom arrived at the hospital, she rushed to the side of my bed. I could see the worry in her eyes, but if I were to have seen mine, I don't think there would have been much reflected in them. They were empty, just like I was.
          She hugged me and kissed my forehead.
          "Why are you here?" I said. "You shouldn't have come."
         I was angry that the right to make decisions for myself were taken away, and I was taking it out on my mom, who only wanted to help me, who only wanted me to stay alive. 


          I had sent back several of my meals already at the hospital, and my nurses and doctors were quickly becoming fed up with me. I had already been diagnosed with delayed gastric emptying, so even a little quantity of food would make me feel so full that I felt physically ill. I felt like I couldn't take in any food, even if I had wanted to. 
          The doctors threatened a feeding tube.



         As visiting hours came to an end, my mom was getting ready to leave, and I grabbed her hand.
        "Mom, do you have to leave?" I pleaded with her. 
           Even though I initially questioned why she was there, she knew that wasn't coming from me. She knew it was the disorder lashing out at her, because she was trying to save my life, and the disease was doing everything in its power to attempt to take over my mind, and break down my body. 
          Knowing that I would probably get a feeding tube placed that night, I was scared. I didn't want to be alone. My concentration was poor, and I wasn't able to hold a full conversation, because I was tired all of the time, I wanted my mom's company and the safety she provided me that somehow, everything would turn out OK. 



          "It's like there's two Brianna's," my mom said, "There's the good Brianna, that's my sweet girl, that she cares for people and loves school and work and wants to live and beat this, and there's the bitch Brianna, the disorder that's trying to take your life."
          I was so relieved when my mom made this connection, that she showed signs of understanding what was taking place in my mind, why it wasn't as simple as "just eat" or "do something that makes you happy." What was going on in my mind was bigger than me, and I needed some help. After searching so desperately for months for the right words to explain what I was going through, what I was dealing with, and ending with both of us getting frustrated and upset, my mom was finally getting it. We were on the same page and would work to beat this together, whatever it took.


          When my mom had that change in mindset, I had one, too. I was willing to accept medication to get well, accepting that what I had been fighting for the majority of my life was bigger than me; it was bigger than natural remedies, it was bigger than going out in the sunlight, getting exercise and eating right, it was greater than anything I had tried to heal myself. It was beating me, and I wouldn't stand idly by and accept it. Now that my mom and I seemed to be on the same page, I didn't feel alone anymore. We both knew what we were up against. 



            I had always been reluctant about taking medication, because of the possible side effects. But at the point I was at, I figured, it couldn't possibly be any worse. I spent a lot of my day sleeping, laying in bed with my knees tucked into my chest and crying. I couldn't sit up and hold a conversation without losing focus, needing a nap, or wanting to cry. The hardest thing for me was losing my faith. Being a strong believer in Buddhism, I couldn't read the Buddhist texts I once loved, I questioned everything. 



          After about three days of regularly taking an antidepressant, I felt well enough to sit up in my bed and have a heart-to-heart conversation with my mom for the first time in probably three months. I was so happy. We went for a walk up and down the hallway in the hospital. Being on the same page, she understood how hard it was for me to get through a meal, and how when the nurse delivered my meal tray, I would black out, riddled with anxiety. She would try to distract me with conversation, but I just couldn't seem to get past how afraid I was by the amount of food that appeared on each tray. My mom remained patient, and she sat with me during each meal, ensuring me that she was there when things got difficult, and we talked through it. We took it day by day, meal by meal, and I couldn't have gotten through the rough patches without having her on my team. 

         From that moment when my mom proved to me she was starting to understand what I was going through, we encountered many challenges in my road to recovery, but I didn't feel as frustrated by setbacks, because I felt confident in knowing that I had a team of people on my side who were rooting for me and my recovery. I knew I had people counting on me to pull through. There were times when my mom would become frustrated by my lack of progress or if I experienced a setback. I had told her that for us, recovery would look a little like swimming as one vessel; if she could kick, I would try to move my arms as fast as I could. We were both tiring out, but ultimately, we were moving forward, and that's better than nothing in my eyes. 



          

Does 'recovered' ever truly mean recovered?

 Lao Tzu once said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,”

Me and my addictive personality have always thought that was a load of crap. I wanted to reach my destination now. I didn’t much care for the scenic route.

I’m slowly learning that it’s only when you can discipline yourself to slow down that you can truly appreciate the route you take.

I’ve also learned: slowing down is hard.

Almost exactly a year to the day that my recovery journey started, though involuntary, I chose to reflect on my progress.

Recovery is hard. It hurts. It’s messy and confusing and scary. It’s not beautiful, but at the same time, it is. It takes time. A lot of it. You will mess up, you might mess up a lot. But, that’s OK, too, that’s part of the journey and the lessons learned contributes to your growth.

Almost a year into recovery, I often wonder if ‘recovered’ ever really means recovered. Maybe it varies from person to person. Maybe for some, it’s possible to make it on to greener grass and relax there for a little while. For some, their footing in recovery is a little more solid.

Not for me.

My footing in my recovery constantly feels like I’m on wobbly ground, or as if I’m re-learning to walk again. Because I have. Literally. And I am. Figuratively. I always feel as if I’m one insult or comment about my body, or one triggering food or situation away from backpedaling. I am always on guard, and so is my body, refusing to let me restrict my way into nothingness for a second time.

My recovery journey started out of necessity, rather than by choice.

It was my second attempt. My second time being admitted in the ICU after a two month fight against it. The first go-round in the ICU, I was there for four days, and against some of the doctors best wishes, released back home. Against their professional advice, I chose to forego inpatient treatment, and instead focus on my upcoming graduation, just a few months away. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to choose recovery. Nobody else could choose it for me, regardless of how bad they may have wanted to.

Having returned to campus against doctors and school officials wishes, I wasn’t allowed to seek treatment on campus, unless it was an absolute emergency. With my mom living on the other side of the state, we often stayed in touch throughout the day over text message.

Knowing that my mom took a chance on me, understanding how much school meant to me, and how badly I wanted to finish my schooling when I was supposed to, I was also sure that I was always honest with her.

I told her when I was tired, if I was having trouble walking, if I felt faint, if I was upset, and I admit when I made mistakes and cut corners.

One day at a time, one meal at a time, that’s what they told me. This wasn’t going to be easy.

I sang “Eye of the Tiger” to myself any time I had a particularly challenging moment surrounding meal time. I called my mom or sister while I was cooking or sitting down to eat, in hopes of alleviating the chance for a panic attack.

My second go-round in the ICU, I was on my way to my second class of the day at university, and feeling rather exhausted. At 21-years-old, I could barely make the seven minute trek across campus, without every muscle in my body feeling sore. I texted my mom, unsure if I would make it to my classroom.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I cried.

It felt like the muscles in my legs were abandoning me, suddenly we were on different pages, and they weren’t wearing my team colors.

Through the insistence of one of my kind, and patient professors, she told me that she would allow for me to miss that days class if I agreed to take myself to the hospital.

I thought about telling her that I did, and they chose not to admit me, and instead go home and go to bed early. I would try again tomorrow. But, for some reason, this time felt different, I wasn’t fully confident that I would see tomorrow, if I didn’t get help now.

I still wasn’t ready to choose recovery, but at minimum, I would need to be stabilized and have my electrolytes checked.

I was admitted to the ICU almost immediately, where I would spend the next week on bed rest, hooked up to various IV’s and fluids, and have a feeding tube inserted in my nose for the first time.

Sometimes when I’m feeling unstable in my position in recovery, I recall the pain of having three nurses crowd over my bed, wiggling the feeding tube down my nose, and how it burned as it curled in my stomach.

They had to readjust the tube three times after an X-Ray showed it was tangled in my stomach.

After a week, I was transferred to a medical unit, where I lived for six weeks.

Doctor after doctor told me about the toll eating disorders have on your body, and how serious my case was.

“If you were to leave here right now,” my doctor said, “you will not live, do you understand?”

I might have rolled my eyes, because I’ve heard it before.

The doctor had told me due to my limited intake of food, my organs started to feed off themselves, and were refusing to release waste.

“Just because you’re here,” one doctor said, “you can still die,” he said, “you are certainly not in the clear.”

I told my mom to ask him to go, because I thought he was being mean to me.

Even when I didn’t have a release date in sight, and doctors told me it may be months, I never felt sad, or scared, or much of anything, really. The only thing I cared about was school.

I wished I could work and complete school, without having to do any of the hard stuff.

Recovery was painful, and I still wasn’t ready to choose it.

I still cringe looking back at the journal they gave me during this time.

It was supposed to be used as a form of therapy, I guess, to get out my feelings, but instead, I logged what meals I ate and what percentage, trying to get around how much they made me eat. I wrote down new ‘food rules’ for when they finally discharged me, and I wrote how I couldn’t wait to get back to eating how I normally ate, how I couldn’t wait to be able to walk around the mall.

It’s been almost a year since I entered the hospital for what I would like to say was the final time. But like I said, recovery is not perfect, it’s not easy, and sometimes you mess up.

For me, my eating disorder is an addiction that resurfaces when my depression does, in times when I’m feeling stressed, or lonely. I’m addicted to the feeling of emptiness, it masks itself as a form of comfort, although I know it’s not, I have nothing else.

The beginning stages of recovery were hard. H A R D. hard. Hard.

Having lost over 60 lbs, meant I had to gain that weight back. And it came back faster than I was prepared for.

With my body refusing to trust me or let me restrict, my depression seemed to search for other ways to find that ‘comfort,’ other forms of self-harm for it to rear it’s ugly head and try to convince me that the beast was in control.

Recovery is messy. Sometimes that beast won. More often than I’d like to admit.

I’ve messed up, and weighed myself, knowing full well that I would not like the result. I’ve told doctors that I could handle the number, that I wouldn’t be upset and that they should tell me, ‘so I could be sure I was healthy,’ I lied, knowing I would use it against myself later. I stepped on scales at other people’s homes, because I wasn’t allowed to have one in mine, and hold it against myself later.

I’ve messed up, and restricted when I was feeling stressed.

I’ve messed up, and read labels, knowing that once I knew, it wasn’t something I could just unknow.

I’ve messed up, and worked out longer than I should have, than I knew my body could handle at the time.

I’ve messed up, and took more than I was prescribed.

I’ve messed up, and spent a few days in the hospital.

I’ve messed up, and never deleted the apps that track how many steps I take, or how many miles I bike.

Those apps send me ‘friendly reminders’ when I haven’t been as active as the previous day, or I haven’t burned as many calories as I did last week.

Those memos still send me into a frenzy.

“Why are you tracking your steps?” my mom asked. “You shouldn’t be tracking your miles, this is not a job,” she reminded me.

Quickly I became defensive, feeling the need to justify why my step count is so high, or why I feel like I need to ride X amount of miles X times per week.

My mom is very keen to my disordered behaviors, and not shy about calling them out.

I know she’s right.

I can recognize when my behavior is disordered, too. But I can’t stop. That’s part of the addiction.

It’s a challenge with myself in a battle against myself. It’s a numbers game. For someone who hates math, I get a little high off seeing the number higher than it was the last time I was on my bike, or the last time I went for a walk, because I can’t be trusted to jump on the scale and see what that number tries to deem my fate.

It’s a numbers game and nobody wins, but I’m addicted.

I still feel the need to excuse myself from conversation when I hear beautiful women, whom I admire talk negatively about themselves.

I feel that emptiness when I hear these women talk about their perceived flaws, or how much weight they think they need to lose, or what ‘magic diet’ they think will finally work for them. It’s not the kind of emptiness I’m attracted to, and I excuse myself from the conversation.

I still don’t know why I don’t allow myself the same courtesy when I start talking negatively about myself.

I’ve messed up more times than once, but like Lao Tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

I may have taken a lot of steps, but this journey is far from over.

In fact, it’s still only just beginning. 

How to deal with a relapse

"Part of recovery is relapse. I dust myself off and move forward again." 

One of the things that was hard for me to understand while I was in treatment for my eating disorder, is why we were learning tips similar to those given in AA.

"It's not helpful to me," I whined. "I don't have an addiction."

But, I do.

According to Karin Jasper, Ph.D., some professionals view anorexia as an addiction, because the sufferer has a 'dependence on starvation.' Both addictions are similar in the sense that there is often a "loss of control, preoccupation with the abused substance, and use of the substance."

In my case, and many others, this is absolutely true. Your disorder becomes your life: when and what you're going to eat, when you're going to move, how and for how long, where you're going to eat and where you're not.

A typical day for me looked like this:

Wake up at 7-7:30 a.m., lay in bed for 30 minutes to 45 minutes, if I was feeling a little ambitious and a little less depressed, I may practice some self-care by coloring before venturing into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. This was the same meal every day, without fail, regardless of how much time I did or did not have, because familiarity blocked out anxiety. I would either leave for school or work around 9 a.m., to get there by 10. This was the saddest part for me, because once I got there, I had trouble walking.

If I was at school, I parked in the parking garage, and only had to make it to the elevator down two floors, and around the corner into the back of my classroom. Walking up the incline in the parking garage took all of the lingering energy and strength I had in my body, and often left me upset. I loved school, and because of my disorder, I could hardly make it around campus. What should have been a ten minute walk across campus became a half hour hike. I was determined to finish out the school year, like I had planned. Because I was still in the depths of my disorder, I was also determined to make it up the four flights of steep steps to my classroom, even if it would make me an additional five minutes late. I had a step goal to worry about.

Sitting down in class was painful. With my bones sticking out in various places, sitting in a hard chair was uncomfortable, as was the air conditioning. I often couldn't focused, because I was so tired, focused on everything I needed to catch up on, how I couldn't wait to sleep, which workout I would do later, or what I would make for dinner, and hoping my roommate wasn't around when I had to cook.

After class, I would try to get to my car as quick as I could. Often, I was so hungry, and anxious, I would have a panic attack in my car (or in the middle of the parking garage) before making it onto the road. Once I was home, I showered (if I had the energy), put off dinner as long as possible, and did whatever homework I could manage to complete, before heading into bead around 8:30 p.m.

Having dealt with depression for most of my life, I am more aware of the signs of relapse than I am with my eating disorder, which can be very sneaky- the addiction makes it hard to see commonly used behaviors as a problem when you're using them.

However, despite how mindful I try to be, sometimes these relapses catch me off-guard, as it did this past weekend.

Here are a few ways that I try to combat bouts of relapse:

• Know your triggers- as I mentioned before in a previous post, it's very important to know the things that trigger you, so you can trace your relapse back to a source and work through it. This past weekend, I was able to trace my brief relapse with depression to two major triggers that I chose to avoid when they came up. Avoiding it rather than confronting it as soon as they surfaced resulted in a week and a half long bout of depression, where I didn't want to write, didn't want to answer calls from my family, and didn't feel like myself.
• Check your meds- If you are suffering from depression, an eating disorder, or any other mood or mental disorder, which you take medications for, you may need to check with your doctor if you need an adjustment on your dosage. It is very important to be honest and upfront with your doctor about the affects the medicine has on you, so she can ensure you are on the proper medication and proper dosage. Remember, this may take some trial and error on both ends, so try to have patience and be fair to yourself.
• Stop- It's natural when you feel triggered, to want to resort to what you know, which would be using behaviors. Instead, take time to use some of the tools you learned in treatment to change the negative behavior to a positive one. Call a friend, journal, take a walk, etc.
• Forgive, and start again- If you do have a slip up and have negative feelings or resort to using a behavior, it's important to be honest. Fess up to your doctor, a family member, a friend, whoever you feel comfortable talking to. This is a time you need to go easy on yourself, because there is something that triggered you to use those behaviors. Forgive yourself for using the behavior, look at what may have triggered you so you can be better prepared for next time the situation comes up, and get right back on the path of recovery. Do. Not. Delay.
• Remind yourself why you're here- When recovery starts to feel impossible, remind yourself why you're here, why you're fighting for it, why recovery is worth it, and ultimately, why you deserve it. 

I didn't know I had Anorexia pt. 5

"The mind and the body are not separate. What affects one, affects the other."

Potential trigger warning: article may contain ED-related behaviors and mention of numbers

read part 4 of my story here:

After placing the feeding tube, there was a fight between the ICU and the regular hospital floor. The regular floor wanted me to stay in ICU. My heart rate was no longer in the 30's, but still way below average. I would be a liability on the regular floor. The doctors in the ICU knew I didn't need to be there anymore. I looked around and saw older patients on breathing tubes, patients who had suffered life-threatening injuries and felt shame that I had brought myself here on my own doing. I was twenty-one confined to a hospital bed, wishing my life away while patients just two doors down were fighting for theirs. 

I was excited to be placed on the regular floor. The meals came later and less frequently, and I already felt less anxiety. The doctors no longer picked for me, and I would be given a menu, allowed to pick what I wanted. This was a strange concept for me, because looking at the menu, I didn't want anything. All of the options gave me anxiety. Half of the options were things I had never had before. For the past four years, I had had the same breakfast, lunch and dinner almost every day. I didn't know about options. Options gave me anxiety. 

On the regular hospital floor, I had a real bathroom. I was allowed to close the door 3/4 of the way. This new freedom was extremely liberating for me. I told the doctor that she didn't need to hold my hand or my heart rate monitor, because I was confident I wouldn't fall. 

I didn't have much trouble getting to the toilet myself, but it was tough to get up, with my legs now mostly bone. If the nurse asked if I needed help, I quickly yelled back no. I would do this myself. I leaned on the hand rail over the toilet, like an older patient and did it myself. 

I quickly frustrated the doctors on the regular hospital floor, too. When the nutritionist brought me my meals, I had 30 minutes to finish my plate. I wasn't allowed to use any food rituals, give any food away, or dispose of any of it. There was a camera in my room monitoring my progress. I often had my allergies and food aversions revisit, and offer my roommate portions of my plate. She was happy to accept seconds. 

My weight was still declining, despite being fed extra calories through the feeding tube. Now at 82 lbs, I was a liability to the hospital, and they didn't have the resources to treat me there. 

I was to be transferred to another hospital, one we were promised specialized in eating disorders. 

I was happy to be out of the hospital, sure I would be able to convince the new team of doctors to send me home to take care of myself. I was unhappy about their no technology rule. I would have to surrender both my phone and my laptop. How was I going to finish my homework? I was in the last semester of university, and while I was in the hospital, I had my pile of books on my bedside, so I could email my professors chapter outlines and creative writing pieces to go towards my final portfolio. Now, in the new place, my mom was limited to how many hours a day she would be able to visit me. 

I felt abandoned. 

I didn't want to go, but as my mom was in charge of making medical decisions for me, I didn't have a choice. It was either the hospital or residential treatment. 

I wasn't allowed to walk to the ambulance, even though I had proved I was capable. I was an athlete my entire life, now I didn't have the privilege to walk down the hall and into the ambulance. I was wheeled on a stretcher and I felt like I could melt away with embarrassment. I was capable, not a liability! 

When I arrived in the new hospital, I was given a hospital gown, underwear and socks. They made an exception for me to keep on my fleece sweater, because my weight was so low, I needed extra blankets to avoid my temperature dropping any further. 

Immediately, I felt like an exhibit in Ripley's Believe it or Not museum. Nurse after nurse came in asking me invasive questions throughout the day.

"Why are you scared to eat?"

"Are you afraid you will get fat?"

"Have you ever been fat?"

"Were you obese growing up?"

I felt vulnerable, embarrassed, and ashamed. I wanted to run, to hide my face in the blanket and melt away. 

One of my nurses felt it was a good time to confide in me about her own eating disorder, describing in vivid detail each behavior she used to maintain her slender figure. I was stressed out. I couldn't use behaviors while they were watching me. After I ate, they checked the garbage, under the sheets, and my drawers in case anything was thrown away. I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom for 30 minutes after finishing a meal, and my walking was limited to a few laps up and down the hallway each day. My body was surging with nervous energy and I hated this nurse and her skinny body. I hated that she was getting paid to make me fat and I hated that she wanted to talk to me so much. 

We quickly realized that this new facility wasn't fit for treating patients with eating disorders. It was a medical behavior unit. Here, they would be able to stabilize me medically, but not the underlying cause of the disorder. No acknowledgment of depression, no talking about eating disorders. The nurses would put a "!" sign on my door to remind them to weigh me each morning, with a disclaimer not to allow me to look at the scale and not to use numbers out loud or within ear shot of my room. The facility was primarily a psychiatric unit, where they would treat patients with schizophrenia and hold patients on baker act who were on suicide watch after an attempt.

My door would often be kept close, because of angry patients screaming down the hall, or my neighbor, who would run into my room if the door was open, convinced that I was her mother. 

The nurses were the least bit sympathetic to me, treating me more as a burden than a valid patient. 

"See, that's why you have the tube in your nose," one nurse said after aggressively adjusting the tube, before storming out of my room.

She was mad that I couldn't eat the meal that was sent up to me, yet again. She was tired of me sending meals back and asking for substitutions. She acted as if the feeding tube was a punishment. 

Unlike the other patients on the floor, I wasn't allowed to use the shower room, because of my IV, feeding tube, and heart rate monitor. Instead, each morning I was given a tub of water, a few washcloths, soap and hair wash to clean up, if I had the energy. 

I didn't.

I told the nurse that I would wait for my mom to come so she could help me, and she wouldn't have it. She wanted me to learn to do it myself. 

I cried out of frustration, because I couldn't bend to clean the bottom of my legs and I couldn't reach my back. 

I wasn't allowed to shave my legs, because we couldn't have razors in a psychiatric facility. I quickly began to miss these little signs of freedom: fresh air, water pressure from a shower head, and bare legs. I felt trapped in my own body.

My blood pressure was taken every few hours, so the nurse decided to just leave the arm cuff around my arm. It was a child's size, so no one else on the floor would be using it, anyway. 

I quickly developed a routine in the new hospital as well. The last meal of the day came anywhere from 4:30-5 p.m., so I would turn in for the night after I finished eating, exhausted from the stress of the meal. The nurses would wake me up at 9 p.m. for my medicine, blood pressure, and any other tests they required from me that day.

On average, I got about three or four shots each day. One every morning at 5 a.m. in my stomach to prevent infection. Barely having any belly fat, this one hurt more than any other. Certain nurses were not very skilled at giving this shot, so I still have the purple scars to remind me I never want to be here again.

The nurses thought it was funny how immune I became to the process of getting blood drawn or getting my blood pressure taken. 

After medicine, I would typically sleep through the night, and not wake up until the nurses woke me for breakfast. I was too sad to do anything else. 

When they came in my room for blood or blood pressure, it got to the point where I simply stopped waking up, instead just raising my arms in robotic motion, letting them take whatever they wanted, letting them poke me in whatever vein they deemed fit, which for them, was wherever they hadn't poked me, yet. 

I slept a lot, because there wasn't much else to do. I didn't want to walk my four laps a day, but when my mom came to visit, she made me. The nurses made me get out of the bed and sit up in my chair to eat my breakfast and start my homework, so they can make the bed. My philosophy was if I never left the bed, they would never have to make it. 

I hated leaving my bed, because when I did, I had to drag my IV bag, and feeding tube with me. The wheels they came on were much like when you get a wonky cart at the supermarket and only three of the wheels turn. It was frustrating, and I didn't have the strength or patience to pull it beside me and I often tripped over it, or got it stuck in the doorway. As hard as I tried, I couldn't imagine ever being disconnected from either. 

When my mom came to visit, we talked about school and the news. I missed school and I missed the news. 

Every time she mentioned the possibility of having to drop all or any of my classes for the semester, I couldn't take it. I loved going to school and I loved being a student and I was determined to graduate on time. Every day she came to visit I asked her to bring me my school books and the newspaper. 

While she was gone, I would read my books for school, and write my assignments by hand. I handed her my assignments, to which she would take them home and type them up to email to my professors. 

Having my mom come to visit me was the highlight of my day, because it helped me establish a routine. Being confined into this one room allowed me to appreciate the little things in my day. I wanted to know what the weather was like outside, and I wanted her to open the blinds in my room. At this point, the only time I had been outside in the past month had been when I was wheeled into the back of the ambulance. I missed fresh air and I missed seeing the sun. I wondered if it was raining and for how long. 

I tried to accomplish as much as I could before my mom came to visit in the afternoon. If I managed to sit in the chair for breakfast, clean up and brush my hair and teeth before she came, I called it a good day. 

I hated when my mom came before lunch, because having her in the room while I was trying to eat stressed me out. The doctors were marking percentage of how much of my plate I ate, and when I reached 75%, they would consider turning off my feeding tube. I hated seeing how hurt my mom was during meal time, although she tried hard to be supportive. She tried to distract me with conversation, but I couldn't keep my mind off of what was in front of me. When I saw the nurse carry in the tray at each meal, it was as if I blacked out. The anxiety washed over me and I felt like I was drowning in myself. I couldn't imagine completing 75% of my meal, and if the meal was wrong I threw a fit, which upset my mom, the nurses and the cafeteria workers. I didn't care. If they didn't change it, I wouldn't eat and that was fine for me. 

The day that my nurse said that I could take a shower, I was so excited. I hadn't had a real shower in a few weeks and I just wanted to clean my hair and feel the water run down my back. But, I wasn't allowed to go on my own. I could only take a shower if my IV was covered with plastic bags, and my mom helped me in the shower room.

Despite my excitement, I felt immense shame. Despite how many times the nurses had helped me change my hospital gowns, I was afraid to take off the gown in front of my mother. I knew how much she cried when she saw my body. I closed my eyes and pretended I didn't see her holding back tears as she came face to face with my ribs, that were poking dangerously out of my body. She gently moved the washcloth over my shoulders, careful not to hurt me, because my shoulder blades now protruded out of my back. I held on to the shower rail, careful not to fall, because I hadn't stood that long in a long time, but I wasn't ready to step out of the steady stream of water the shower head provided. 

There were so many doctors assigned to my case, that we often got contradicting information. Several times I was promised discharge in coming days, which got my hopes up and never came. In my head I prepared of what I would do when I got home, who I would see, and how my transition home would be. 

I was terrified to be home, knowing left to my own devices, I wouldn't know how to change my behavior. I had accomplished many difficult things in my life, I couldn't understand why I found it so impossible to feed myself a proper balanced dinner. I couldn't understand what had went wrong in my brain to make myself hate my own existence so much. 

After a broken promise of discharge, I learned it was possible to be sued for rights to your own body. That week I was taken to mental health court, where the hospital would go to the magistrate and ask them to keep me for up to six months against my will in order to properly care for me. The hospital was convinced, if left to my own devices, I would go back to my old habits and eventually end up dead. They were damn right, if they sent me home, I would restrict twelve times harder to regain all of the 'progress' I was convinced I had lost. 

I lost in court. 

Although I would be getting my feeding tube removed, because I had proved I could consistently finish meals voluntarily, I would be staying another week on the psych floor. 

Here, treatment would be focused more on my depression. 

Having lost in mental health court, I didn't leave my bed for two days. I was more depressed than ever. It was a week before Halloween, and I wanted to go home so badly. I wanted to return to school. I wanted to go to classes in person. I wanted to go to the bar with my friends and go on dates. I wanted to go for a walk and experience the sun beating down on my back. I wanted to inhale deeply and fill my lungs with fresh air. I wanted to be off the IV, have the feeding tube out of my nose, and I wanted to go back to my old habits.

I was terrified of changing floors. I had a routine here and I had my own TV. My mom was allowed to stay for half the day, where now she would only be allowed to stay two.

I felt abandoned. 

I was convinced I did not need to be on the psych floor, just because I had an eating disorder.

I was right, and again I felt like an exhibit.

The treatment on the psych floor was geared more towards addiction and I had trouble relating lessons learned in group therapy to my own life. It all felt like BS to me and I felt like a prisoner. 

The other patients were hyper-concerned with my condition, but I made friends quickly, because I was always super willing to give away my dessert and milk, and anything else somebody might have wanted off my tray.

I had a week of eight hours of group therapy, before I would be released into my mom's care.

The first step out of the hospital in six weeks felt like I was released from prison. I felt as if I could have gotten high off the first deep inhale of fresh air, a little pleasure that had suddenly become so significant. Air. 

5 Things Not to Worry About Freshman Year of College

Freshman year is a time of great excitement for students who will be away from home for the first time in their lives. Navigating a new city, a new campus, while attending new classes with new people presents many opportunities for reinvention and experiencing new things.

(c): Tax Credits/Flickr

However, this time is often overshadowed by a lot of stress for students who might not be used to being so far away from the comfort zone of what they have always known.

Because everything is so new, teachers, peers, and family members will all try to be offering their own advice to help you navigate your new journey.

Take it from someone who has been there, stressed about it, and survived partially unscathed, worry about all of the things that I didn't need to worry about right away.

Despite what anyone might tell you, these things should not cloud your vision during your first year of school, if ever.

1. Declaring A Major: Freshman year, especially your first semester will likely be spent taking pre-reqs like math, science, art, and a general elective. These courses are required for all students on campus. Most students do not start taking courses for their intended major until second semester or their sophomore year. In the meantime, choose a general elective that interests you, explore different clubs that suit your varying interests, and talk to older students who are pursuing different majors to see what path you might be interested in pursuing. Many students who do declare a major first semester end up switching one or two times before graduation. This is also perfectly OK. In the grand scheme of things, a major is on average four years of study, while a career will be the majority of your adult life. You want to be sure.

(c): Matt/ Flickr

2. Having the Perfect Resume: This is another point that will frequently be stressed your freshman year. While yes, it is nice and smart to get a jump start on adding extracurriculars, volunteer activities, and part-time job experience to your resume, you also have plenty of time. Aim to add 2-3 things per year to your resume, and make sure there is not a major gap in between responsibilities. You want to show that you were able to hold a position for an average of at least 3-6 months, and did not take too much time off before pursuing a greater opportunity.

3. Your Weight/ Time Spent in the Gym: Life is too short not to eat the pizza. Looking back on your time spent in college, how do you want those memories to look? Do you want to remember the stress of scouring over a menu for calorie content, or do you want to remember sitting on the floor of your dorm room sharing pizza and laughs with your roommates? Do you want to remember nights spent exploring your new city, or nights spent sweating in an overly crowded gym?

(c): Ivywoodavenue/ Flickr

4. A Distinguished Friend Group: The friends you meet during orientation will likely not be the friends you have as you're packing up at the end of your first year. Different course directions, different sets of priorities, and several other factors can come into play why friends drift apart. Keep yourself open to making new friends, and don't take it personally if things between you and a friend drift apart. If it was important to both parties, you'd find a way to make the bond last. If not, you make new ones and move on. College is the time to be a 'floater' and get along with everybody. Open your mind and hangout with different groups of people and you will learn a lot in the process.

5. The Future: Sometimes, it might look like everyone has it all figured out, but you: spring break plans, summer jobs or internships, post-college life plans, etc. Scrolling through social media, you will be bombarded with this false sense of reality. It's important to take a deep breath and remind yourself that everybody posts the highlight reel of their life. Nobody has it figured out, regardless of how old they are or where they are in life. We are all learning as we go and doing the best we can.

(c): Cynthia Niklas/ Flickr