Recap of NEDA Walk 2017

"It's time to talk about it"

Thank you to those who donated to Team Kwas to help us raise a total of $1,305 for the 2017 Santa Monica NEDA walk. We surpassed our original goal by $300!

After almost a week of rain in Los Angeles, we finally got a sunny day- making it the perfect morning for a walk by the beach.

Leading up to the walk, I was excited about the thought of the event, however, the morning of I was extremely nervous. The jig was up. My secret would now be out. Or so I thought. During my entire span of treatment, I never wanted my name associated with the dreaded "A" word, because of the stigma that was attached to it. People saw it as a disorder about vanity, or perfectionism. Which sometimes, I guess is the case. But, not for me. For me, it was never about food, or how I looked. For me, anorexia developed as a manifestation of poor self esteem. My depression was drowning me. I didn't care how my body looked, because I never wanted to look in the mirror long enough to analyze it. I didn't want to use the "A" word, because that would mean admitting there was a problem, which in turn would mean admitting I needed help. I needed to face it. Who would want that?

ED thoughts bombarded me as my sister and I made our way to the beach. I wondered what the other walkers would look like. I wonder if they would even believe I ever suffered from an eating disorder, now that I was weight restored.

I wrongfully had these thoughts during in-patient treatment, also, but to my dismay, I almost was kicked out of treatment in fear that my low weight might trigger the other patients or hinder their recovery.

I wondered if being at the walk would help, or trigger me further. I briefly hoped it would trigger me, but quickly dismissed it. 

These thoughts always catch me by surprise having been in what most people would call 'recovery' for almost five months now. But, that's the dangerous thing about eating disorders. The symptoms aren't always obvious, as they are often things that can't be seen, something the sufferer hides and hides well.

I knew this was supposed to be an event about celebrating recovery, but I was constantly fighting it.

The energy at the walk was incredible. You could feel the men and women in attendance were feeling happy to be alive, happy to be given a second shot at life, and a dedication to life and learning to love it and themselves.

Meeting people in person that you have connected with over Instagram through the eating disorder community was a surreal and inspiring things. There are so many people doing amazing work to support recovery through blogging, and have helped me immensely throughout my own recovery by answering my questions and being a shoulder to virtually cry on when days got challenging.

I was looking forward to hearing the speakers: Aerie Real Model, Iskra Lawrence, YouTuber, Matt Shepard and Instagrammer and Body Positive/Recovery Activist, Gina (@nourishandeat).

I loved hearing Matt Shepard's speech about acknowledging the minority in the eating disorder community, which are the men who suffer.

All pain is valid and needs to be acknowledged as so. His speech was powerful and motivating, and contained a call to action to address the men. Acknowledging that men also suffer allow them the courage to speak out and speak up and ask for help.

Like any other disease, mental health and eating disorders do not discriminate. They affect men, women, minorities, and people of all ages and sizes. 

It was refreshing to hear Iskra Lawrence reinforce to the men and women in the audience that every body is a good body, regardless of the media tells us. As the face of Aerie Real, she embraces her flaws, stretch marks and imperfections and exudes confidence.

There was so much power in the walk banding together with men and women and encouraging each other, rather than judging one another. Encouraging each other to love the skin we're in, imperfections and all. We have one body that is merely a vehicle to get from point A to point B and is capable of amazing things, and like Iskra said, our body is our home. We should treat it nicely. Everything on the outside is simply decoration.

There are no words to describe how special I felt having my sister, and our friends spend their Saturday morning with us walking in my honor, and all of those who have suffered and have come out victorious, or are working on building up their strength.

As I chug along on my recovery journey, I am learning more and more everyday how much my struggles have affected my family as well as they have myself.

My sister said being at the walk was emotional for her, because she was about to walk with me, rather than in honor of me. And after the last year, it was a close call.

As Matt Shepard told the crowd, "Your recovery is the greatest gift you have."

And I'm working on it every day.

Until next year... It's time to talk about it. 

What does it mean to be a 'Recovery Hero?'

"A best friend is someone who loves you when you forget to love yourself."

 During National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) week, we talk a lot about recovery heroes. But what does that really mean? Who is a recovery hero?

A recovery hero to me is someone who helps you stay behavior- free, or sober, depending on what you might be struggling with. 

A recovery hero can be anything or anyone that helps you live a life free of any negative behaviors; from rediscovering your love of writing or painting, something you haven't done since you were a child to your dog, whose company holds you accountable, keeps you from feeling lonely, and ultimately, away from any self-destructive behaviors. 

A recovery hero is a man or woman who has seen you at your worst and still shows you unwavering support, and ultimately, hope. Even if you have none left. Even when all your hope for reaching and maintaining recovery has come and gone, your recovery hero maintains enough for the both of you- confident that you will get through whatever darkness you are facing. 

He or she is the person who is trying so desperately to pull you out of the mud, regardless of how much your disorder or illness tries to convince you and everyone else around you that it's comfortable there. The mud feels nice, because the mud keeps you numb to whatever you're trying to run away from. But, you can't reside there forever. Eventually, one of two things have to happen: either the mud will suck you in, or your recovery hero, filled with adrenaline will fight off the mud that's pulling you deeper and deeper away from their embrace, and lift you out and back into the light. Because no matter how far into the mud you may be, there's still light. There's always light. And a recovery hero is one who helps you find it again. He or she is the person that despite all other efforts from outsiders is able to get through to you, if only just for a moment. They are the reason something deep down inside of you is still fighting. 

The demons you are battling may have you convinced you that you are stuck in the mud, but the stronger part, the part that is still you, the part that is your soul, the part of you that made this recovery hero fall in love with you, the part of you that convinces them that you're worth fighting for, that there's something to be saved is scratching at the surface, desperate to be pulled out. 

A recovery hero is the person who you can talk to for hours, without them interrupting your endless stream of thoughts. You can call them at any time of the day or night, and they will pick up, offering to drop by if you need anything at all, even just someone to sit by your side. 

Regardless of how hard that your disorder is pushing against you, find that piece of you that wants to be pulled out of the mud, even if it's only an ounce. Find that ounce of hope and remember that their is light. Hope is still their. If you can't find it on your own, reach out to your recovery hero. Be vocal and speak up. Ask for help. Reach out your hand, and yell, "pull!" Your sure to get through the mud together. 

If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, take a confidential screening www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/screening-tool.