How I manage my anxiety

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but wanting to control it."

My first panic attack happened when I was in college. I was 20 years old, working full-time, two part-time jobs in my field, one that consisted of an hour commute each way. I was also in school full-time.

I thought I could manage everything effectively. On top of that, I had homework and studying, I wanted to go to the gym, and for a bike ride on the weekends. I wanted to hangout with my friends, and sit in the cafeteria for dinner.

But eventually, something would have to give. I couldn't do it all, and still get a proper nights sleep.

3 a.m., I woke up in a cold sweat soaking through my pajama shirt, my heart was racing, and I started sobbing.

I couldn't remember if I did my homework for my class the next day, and I was scared.

Should I get out of bed and do it now? Should I set an alarm to wake up early, to get it done before class? Should I just skip?

I started falling behind in classes, and panic attacks became a more common occurrence.

It seemed I could never escape my racing thoughts, or calm down for longer than five minutes.

Over the course of the last seven years, I have tried almost every product marketed to manage anxiety, and every 'tried and true' at home remedy. I have become keen on what works, and what is just a ploy to take your money.

One of the main things to keep in mind, is that with feelings of anxiety or depression, it seems the last thing we want to do as it's occurring is the thing we know will make us feel better. We may know that this has worked for us before, but we feel trapped in our panic, or our feelings of numbness.

It's a mental trap. Take a few deep breaths, and do your best to talk yourself out of it, and try one of these things that have worked for me:

TEA:

I think any caffeine-free tea would help calm down your thoughts, and ease tension you're holding in your body. However, my favorite from all of the teas I have tried is Yogi Tea's Honey Lavender for Stress Relief. I keep a few bags of these in my desk at work, and a few bags in my purse in case I am at somebody's house and feel like tea.

JOURNALING:

Journaling is one of those things where you know it will make you feel better afterwards, to get your feelings out, but for some reason, many of us are too reluctant lazy, too put pen to paper. Me included. 

I have been liking the "list" journals, because they are easy, don't take a lot of time, and more often then not, inspire you to write more. But, you don't have to have an expensive or themed journal to write. Use the 'notes' section in your phone, write on a napkin, or a journal you have laying around the house. 

Write what you're thinking, what's making you mad or stressing you out, make a pros/cons list. It's a great way to sort out your feelings and re-focus and prioritize what's important. 

Note to self: don't "forget" to journal tonight- take one minute!

CBD:

CBD has recently grown in popularity over the last year. Cannabidol, is the cannabinoid found in the hemp plant. There is less than 0.3% THC to no THC in CBD, making it non-psychoactive (doesn't get you high). Some of the benefits include: reduced feelings of anxiety or depression, helps promote restful sleep, eases sore muscles and bones, etc. CBD can come in the form of edibles, oil, or cremes. It is best to talk with your doctor before trying CBD. Dosing and affects will vary for each person. 

CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety, by allowing my thoughts to slow down, and my heart to stop racing. If I feel like I will have trouble sleeping, I can take a relax bear, or this particular brand, Green Roads, has Sleepy Z's edibles, made with hemp and melatonin. 

BOXING/YOGA:

Boxing has always been a source of calm for me. You can take all of your stress or anger out on the punching bags, and leave feeling of tension behind at the gym. When I was in college, I attended Punch Boxing Gym, religiously three to four times a week. I met more friends there than I did from my school. It was nice to have a sense of community, people to hold you accountable, and be around people who shared the same interests. 

The same is true for me with yoga, though I only recently got into it. I prefer hot yoga, because I have always liked intense workouts. I feel like in some way the sweating is metaphoric for sweating out all of the bad feelings, along with the bad things held in my body that I no longer need. I'm getting rid of things that don't serve me to hold onto. 

I always tell people, this is true with any exercise. Find a way to move your body that feels good for you, that you enjoy. This could be dancing, karate, spinning, whatever.

If you can afford it, join a gym, and meet people who share the same interests as you. 

If you're in school, attend the gym on campus, or community center, whatever you have access to. 

If not, find a YouTube video and move at home. It all counts!

A HOT BATH:

After a long day, there is nothing better than a hot bubble bath! I don't think I am physically capable of doing nothing, so I will light a candle, put on some good music, and either write or read my book while taking a bath. 

COLOR:

My family used to make fun of me, because I never stopped coloring as I aged. Now that the "adult coloring book" fad has taken off, I'm the one laughing. I was ahead of the curve. The more intricate the design, I think the more your mind is taken off of what is bothering you:you're focused on staying in the lines, what colors to use, and what to do next. If you start to feel stressed or overwhelmed by the page- it is time to stop for the time being and give it a break.

Goodbye, 2018

It feels like just yesterday we were gathered around the TV at the bar, counting down the seconds until the ball dropped, bringing in 2018.

It's now December, and as I type this, I'm on the other-side of the country.

I feel as if things have come full circle in a way. This year brought many changes, both positive and negative, but I wrote my way through them both.

I look forward to the new year and seeing what new opportunities it has to offer.

I'm entering the new year with hope, optimism, and fearlessness.

What I'm grateful for this year:

• 

  At the 2018 NEDA walk with my sister in Santa Monica, CA. This was the second year we fundraised and participated in the walk.
  
  

• Participating in the 2018 NEDA walk. This was the second year we started a team, raised money, and participated in the walk. It means so much to me that our friends would give up their Saturday morning to support this amazing organization that provides life-saving information and resources. I will always be happy to support this organization.

2018 NEDA walk in Santa Monica, CA. It means the world to me that our friends would give up their Saturday to learn about and support this life saving organization and support my recovery.

• Meeting an amazing group of friends in LA. I struggled in LA navigating a different way of life than I was used to. I was lucky to find a group of genuine friends.

With my sister at her birthday celebration. Welcome to the last year of your 20's!

We rented a boat in Marina Del Ray for my sister's birthday

• My sister and I getting to celebrate our birthdays together. We don't get to do this too often. Welcome to the last year of your 20's, Alex!

If you're a bird, I'm a bird

At a polish restaurant for Alex's birthday. One of our favorite places in town

Celebrating my birthday with friends at the Saddle Ranch

• I was happy to celebrate my birthday with friends. I never really planned anything big for my birthday since I was a kid, so it was nice to have my friends come together for this night. We saw a comedy show, then went to a country bar in Hollywood.

The third Kwasnik sister?

• Getting to share the story about my eating disorder recovery in a Sunday edition of The Tampa Bay Times. This was a hard one for me to write. Though I write about my recovery journey often, this story gave me the opportunity to share with a much larger audience. I wanted to express certain points and provide helpful tips to any families that may be experiencing similar things. I didn't know where to start- I had so much I wanted to say! I'm so grateful for the Times for their support, and their willingness to publish a story like this, and for the editors sensitivity during editing, and checking in on me that I was comfortable throughout the process.

My story online

I was blown away when I saw the space they gave my story. The artist did an amazing job depicting what I wanted readers to take away from my story

My former editor, friend, and journalist role model, Ernest Hooper, even gave me a shout out in his column. I was so surprised by this !

• Growing in my yoga practice. I used to never be a huge fan of yoga, because it has always been hard for me to slow down and be present, because my depression always caught up with me. I felt like the wheels always had to be in motion, and I always had to be moving. I was on the run, and I was tired. My practice has helped me tremendously with repairing my relationship with my body: I appreciate seeing the progress in my strength, and what my body can do.

I never thought I would be able to do this!

Yoga has taught me that it's OK to go slow, be present, and take the time needed for yourself

• Getting to live in Santa Monica, California, for a year and a half. Despite coming to the realization that this life wasn't for me, living there, and with my sister allowed me to heal and fully immerse myself in recovering from my eating disorder and depression, and get over that hump from being out of the hospital. I met an amazing group of friends, I had some great opportunities in my career. My sister and I had the opportunity to bond and spend a lot of time together that we don't often have, living on opposite sides of the country. I will forever be grateful to my sister for her patience with me during this time, her support, and overall, just being there for me. Always. I love you, sis.

Santa Monica is incredibly beautiful. We were fortunate enough to live nine blocks from the beach and Santa Monica Pier. Everyone should spend some amount of time here.

Spending time with my sister and some of my closest friends, before I left for the airport to fly back to Florida. 

• Accepting a full-time journalism job at the Charlotte Sun in Port Charlotte, Florida. The opportunity provided me the ability to do meaningful work that I love every day. I immediately fell in love with my new community and the people here, and feel honored to be able to elevate their stories to a larger audience.

• Moving back to Florida: the first and only place that I fully considered my home. I feel as if I breathe easier without the pressure to put on some kind of show, or keep up a lifestyle that doesn't fit who I am.

I'm only a few hours from my mom, so I can go home whenever I want and cuddle with this sweet angel. I realize I can never be too far from my family, or I will feel lost.

Punta Gorda, Florida

• 
  New friendships and new relationships. I've had some amazing friendships develop this year, which I'm truly grateful for. Friendships are extremely important to me, and I feel lucky to have friends around the country, who I work hard to stay in touch with. You put in the time for things that matter to you. I believe everyone comes into your life for a reason, whatever that reason may be, to provide you whatever you need at that specific time in your life. Regardless of how long that relationship lasts, I never harbor negative feelings. I thank them for what they taught me, and wish them well. 

Goals for 2019:

-Focus on myself, my career, and only things that make me feel happy and alive.

-Cultivate positive friendships

-Eliminate friendships and relationships that no longer serve me

-Write something at least once a week

-Read 25 books this year

-Do things that make me happy and stop asking for permission

-Stop seeking validation from people I shouldn't need validation from

-Be a little more selfish

Joining a gym post-recovery

"Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that doesn't get a day off." -Demi Lovato

Early in my recovery, working out was my biggest fear. For me, exercise has always been a slippery slope, as I didn't know how to do it halfway, in a healthy way.

When I was in the thick of my eating disorder, I remember working out until I felt faint. I would go to the boxing gym on an empty stomach, throwing all of my weight at the bags as if my life depended on it. Because in my eyes at that point, it did. My mom was worried because of my weight, I might break a bone. But, I refused to take a day off.

I wanted to work harder than anyone else in the gym, never realizing that no one else was competing. I felt frustrated when my body refused to run on fumes, instead, forcing me to tap out of my workout early.

I felt there was no bigger failure. No bigger embarrassment than people thinking I couldn't make it through a workout.

I had rules when it came to the gym. Lots of them: what I would eat beforehand, how long I would stay, what muscles I would work, what to eat afterwards, or what not to eat.

Two years into my recovery, I had to admit that I'm still not positive how to workout healthy all of the time. I worked at three different gyms, never understanding what my mom meant when she said it was like an alcoholic working in a bar. I thought I could handle it. For me, it was like working in a bar. I could workout whenever and as often as I wanted. And I took full advantage.

I worked out six to seven days a week for an hour and a half to two hours. I was already in the gym for my shift, so it was very easy to work out for thirty minutes before and after work. I was already there, so I would feel guilt for not working out. Not using my time wisely.

When you have a history of exercise addiction, it's a very thin line between healthy behavior and obsession. That line was not often clear to me, especially since I was still trying to hide from my friends and family how much time I was actually spending in the gym.

Behaviors and habits from my eating disorder were still there, and I thought that I was on top of it, but I often acknowledged them, then ignored them.

A co-worker would comment on how much weight I lost... I would briefly worry that I was backtracking, then feel a sliver of pride that I was losing weight again.

When I moved to Florida, I was worried about not having access to a gym, and whether I would gain weight. My mom thought it would be best if I didn't join a gym right away, I thought it'd be best that I did, and not mention it.

But, I wanted to approach it in a healthy way. To do so, I would need rules. A lot of them. A different kind of rules. So, I asked for help. I asked my friends and family what negative behaviors they saw I had surrounding the gym, and made a base list of rules for me when I decided to work out:

• Never skip an invitation, because I have to go to the gym (regardless of how bad I might not want to go)
• If I'm tired/sick, etc., do not force myself to work out
• Do not spend longer than an hour and a half
• Do not use the gym as punishment for having ate/drank anything
• Practice intuitive exercise/ intuitive eating
• If I feel faint, go home, eat, re-hydrate and rest
• Do not step on the scale under any circumstance
• If I feel like I'm struggling with over-exercising, ask for help. Be honest about how long I'm spending in the gym
• Eat to fuel my body, refuel. 

For those looking to get back into a work out plan post-recovery, I would say it is definitely possible. Intuitive exercise is the best approach. Find a way to move your body that makes you feel happy (dancing, boxing, swimming, etc.) Moving is not a way to punish your body. Also, don't rush getting back to the gym. Allow your mind and body time to heal. Ask for help from your support system when and as often as you need it. And most importantly, be kind to yourself. Two years into recovery, I mess up often. When I am stressed, it is easier for me to over-exercise as a form of distraction. When I am hurt, upset, or any other negative emotion, I feel triggered easier, and head to the gym. You will mess up. It's OK. Hold yourself accountable, be honest, and start again. Ask yourself what triggered you, and find an additional method of comfort/distraction besides the gym to practice self- care. 

How to deal with diet culture and triggering comments

"I don't care if you think your body is beautiful. Your body is not your power. I want you to not hate it, so you can go out and do meaningful things with your life." -Summer Innanen

I remember being just about two weeks out of the hospital, and still very unsure about my place in recovery, and if I truly had even wanted it yet. I was out to dinner with my mom, uncle and his girlfriend, something I had been reluctant about in the first place. I hated going out to dinner. I hated the uncertainty of not knowing the nutrition of my meal, and not knowing everything that went into it. Add the fear of liquid calories to the mix, and it's a recipe for overwhelming anxiety. At least it always was for me.

I had always had a fear of eating in front of people I wasn't comfortable with. Even though our company was my uncle and his girlfriend, I had not really talked about what I had went through the previous few months, and I felt like they would be judging what I ordered, how my body looked, etc.

Just looking at the menu gave me anxiety, but I ordered a vodka diet to ease my nerves a little bit. After I ordered, my uncle's girlfriend began to talk about how she had lost so much weight, how her pants didn't fit, how she had to see doctors, and how my uncle was pushing her to eat, but she just couldn't seem to find her appetite.

I grabbed my mom's arm and looked at her wide-eyed. Is she kidding me? I thought. As she went on and on, I whispered in my mom's ear that I was upset and that I knew I wouldn't be able to eat dinner tonight.

My mom had told me that unfortunately I will never be able to avoid diet talk, especially with women and I would have to get used to hearing that kind of talk at the table. I knew she was probably right, but also knew that I was extremely sensitive and in a vulnerable place.

Dealing with diet culture is hard. It's extremely intrusive on something that is such a personal decision and unique to each person. Not every diet will work for every body.

In order to be able to possibly avoid or reduce these triggers, it is important to note what triggers you. A journal can be a very helpful tool to note how you felt by certain things and keep track of progress.

For me, when I was very early in recovery, I seemed to be triggered by everything, which I assume would be common for most people starting their journey. I couldn't see or wear work out clothes, I couldn't work out, hear about anyone working out, hear about diets, or even what people were choosing to eat, without comparing it to what I had to eat. I couldn't read about diet or fitness. I couldn't hear comments about my changing and healing body.

An important step for me was to clear my feeds. I un-followed any accounts on social media related to food or fitness, whether 'good' or 'bad'. I was already thinking about it all of the time, I didn't want to think about it any more. I replaced my feed with positive quotes and happy pictures of animals or landscape. I unsubscribed to health magazines that came in monthly toting a new fad diet or quick fix.

Two of the biggest things for me during this sensitive time were: clothes and my body and other people.

As my body began to heal, I started not to be able to fit into certain clothes in my closet. I cried to my mom, and she reassured me that my body was never meant to fit in these clothes, anyhow. That when I fit into those sizes, my body was very sick and so was my mind. To avoid further frustration, I didn't let these clothes linger in my closet. I knew what clothes were the sizes that were not meant for me, and I removed them from my closet and placed them in a bin to donate to Goodwill.

I had always preferred clothes that fit loosely on me, because I had never been comfortable with showing off my body, so that is what I reverted back to. I wore what I felt comfortable in and I believe everyone should do the same to feel confident in their wardrobe. Trends don't matter if they don't make you happy.

Another big concern for me was that people would notice my body and comment.

"You have an ass now!"

"Your face/chest looks really full."

"You look healthy" (I don't know why this always seemed to be the worst one. In our disordered minds we equate healthy to mean 'fat' which is NOT the case, and certainly, not what the person meant at all. If you choose to respond to this you can simply say 'thank you' or 'I FEEL healthy (if that's true).)

During this time, it might help to know that no one who wasn't a close family member or friend ever commented on my body, besides saying that I looked healthy or well. During my recovery, my mom was my biggest supporter and aid in helping me cope with triggers and helping others understand which topics to avoid.

I would always tell my mom when I felt triggered or uncomfortable by something. My mom had told relatives to please not comment on my body or the food that was on my plate in advance to seeing me. She also reminded them not to discuss diet or weight in terms of themselves, which was a big help for me.

Sometimes, it seemed people couldn't help themselves and would make a comment saying I looked fuller or X body part grew, to which I asked them 'please do not comment about my body, as this makes me uncomfortable' or 'this is still a sensitive area for me, and I would appreciate if we could talk about something else.'

Overall, the things that made the most impact for me during this time was having open communication. I had my mom, who had grown to understand how my brain was working and what I was going through. I was able to talk openly with her about what was on my mind, and what was bothering me, and in turn, she was able to convey that to the people around us to help them better understand how to talk to me and listen with compassion. If  I felt comfortable enough, I would also take it upon myself to politely ask someone if they wouldn't mind steering the conversation in a different direction. As I am further along in recovery, this is something that has become easier and I don't mind telling people things that I have learned during my course of treatment. And lastly, if something is triggering to you, don't pour salt on that wound. I know sometimes with our disordered minds we might keep something around that we know is tempting to us thinking we will be un-bothered by it. However, then we get in a depressed or down mood, and we use that thing as an excuse to justify our bad behaviors. It is best to eliminate the potential trigger, before it becomes a problem.

My first experience with therapy

"Talking to a therapist, I thought, was like taking your clothes off and then taking your skin off, and then having the other person say, "Would you mind opening up your rib cage so that we can start?" -Julie Schumacher

 I started middle school just after my parents announced they were getting divorced.

For awhile, my relationship with both of my parents was pretty much nonexistent, while I tried to figure out how I felt. Growing up, none of my friends parents were divorced, so I didn't ever consider it an option for my parents. Until it happened.

I don't remember who was in touch first: whether it was my mom with the school guidance counselor, or her with my mom. But somehow the pair ended up working together in attempt to get me to talk about my feelings.

"I don't want to."

"Brianna Kwasnik to the guidance office," I heard over the loudspeaker one day during class.

I rolled my eyes, and told my teacher I would go in between classes, as an excuse to get out of it.

I would have hall passes written for me and sent to my class to excuse me, but I would crumple them up and throw them in the trash.

The next day, one would came laminated. And I threw that out, too.

When I finally went to the guidance office, I stared back at the woman like she was speaking in a different language. She told me all of the things she was supposed to say to make me feel safe, like how her office was a safe space, and everything I said to her would stay between us.

I felt like I was wasting my time and hers, because I didn't feel like I was old enough to have any real problems. I didn't want to talk about my parents divorce, because than that would make it real, and I didn't want it to be real. When my parents first got divorced, it was a lot of back and forth with both my mom and dad trying to vent out their frustration with the other one, and me being the soundboard for those frustrations. I felt exhausted. I wanted to love them the same as I did when they lived in the house. I didn't want to think of them different or see them any less. I didn't want it to be real. But, I didn't want this stranger to know that. I didn't want anyone at school to know that. I didn't want anyone at school to know what was going on at home, it was none of their business, I thought.

I was really concerned about being seen walking out of the guidance counselor's office. I grew up with a stigma of sorts surrounding therapy, that talking to someone made you 'crazy' or weak, and I didn't want to be that, because I knew that wasn't who I was.

My dad was against it completely, and didn't want me talking to a stranger.

Eventually, I had warmed up to the idea, and when something would happen at home whether it be my dad talking poorly about my mom, or my dad not answering my phone call, or when he moved out of the house, I couldn't wait to tell someone about it and get it off my chest.

My school guidance counselor had sent my mom a list of therapists that I could see outside of school. I think her referral was a combination of not wanting to take me out of class anymore, and seeing how much my parent's divorce really affected my spirit and confused me.

It's always weird when you switch therapists, and you feel like another person knows your whole story, and this new person should just pick up where she left off. Like what do you mean I have to start from the beginning? Where do I begin? How far back do I go?

At first I did not want to talk to a new therapist. I never do, and usually spend the first two sessions having them prod me with questions and me giving generic one or two word answers, and nothing more. When I started going to counseling for the first time out of school, I had my mom sit in on every session. I wanted her there as extra support.

Once I felt comfortable enough to open up and talk about how I felt about what was going on with my parents divorce, it was like a faucet that wouldn't turn off. An hour came and went, and never in my life had felt shorter. Every week I didn't know I had so much to say.

The great thing about therapy, is that the person isn't there to judge you, but to help you make sense of a certain situation with an outside perspective.

If I was talking about my mom, maybe she would be able to help me see things from my mom's perspective. Maybe she would be able to give me advice on how to work things out with my mom. If I was talking about my dad, she might be able to point out a pattern in his behavior that I couldn't see.

In time, I was able to take her analytical skills, and when I would talk about things, I would share, then cut her off, already making my own inference about why things happened the way they did, or why I reacted in a certain way.

It quickly became a relief for me to get my feelings out and not have them pent up inside of me. I wasn't carrying around burdens that weren't mine to bear, and if they were mine to bear, I can put them down in her office, and move on. My therapist and my mom encouraged me that if a bad feeling came up that I wouldn't stew in it, I could open a journal, write about it in the moment and release those feelings on paper.

Between therapy once a week and writing in my journal, which I could do whenever I needed to, it felt like a purge. It felt like the feeling you get after an intense workout and the happy endorphins are released. You feel lighter, at ease.

Like anything else, everyone's experience is different, but I'd say therapy is always worth a shot. It's important to research therapists in your area- see if they take your insurance, maybe you prefer a female therapist over a male, or the other way around. If you're currently in school, see your guidance counselor or school therapist, most colleges include therapy in the school insurance plan- use it to your advantage! And most importantly, develop your own opinion on the topic and don't pay any mind to what other people think. If someone is putting down the idea of therapy, they could just not have a lot of experience with it or know a lot about it. If it helps you, that's all that matters.

What is 'extreme hunger' and how to deal

Potential trigger warning: this post contains numbers as related to calories and may contain description of my own personal diet. This is not intended to be followed, and any individual should discuss with their doctor to determine what works best for their body. I am not a dietitian, psychiatrist, or any of the sort, just talk about my own personal experience in my anorexia recovery journey in hopes of helping others. 

According to EDinstitute.org, extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone recovering from any kind of eating disorder. During this time, you may want and will need far more than the Homodynamic Recovery Method intake guidelines suggest, and find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000 to 10,000 calories in a single day.

Before I was released from the hospital, I made a promise to my doctors that if they discharged me, I would stick to any meal plan they gave me at home.

The numbers at the time scared me. I was still severely underweight and had to gain a significant amount to be in a safe, normal weight range for my height.

Although the numbers given to me scared me, my doctors encouraged me not to focus on the numbers, not to focus on the long-term in terms of how far I still had to go, but to take it day by day. My doctors had also told me that the more I ate, the more my body would start to trust me again, and I would actually become hungrier. My hunger cues would return, but I wasn't yet at the point where I could only rely on my hunger cues. Sometimes I would have to eat when I wasn't hungry, trusting that my body needed the fuel to repair and rebuild the damage that had been done.

My doctors never told me about extreme hunger.

That would be something I would learn first-hand, on my own, with no one to explain what was happening to me.

The first time I heard my stomach growl outside of the hospital, I cried.

I was scared of my hunger cues. I was scared to feel hungry, after becoming comfortable with feeling empty for so long.

My stomach growled almost immediately after my mom and I had finished breakfast.

She had plated my food for me, as we were at our hotel breakfast buffet, and she knew full well if I was left to decide for myself, the choice of what I should have to eat would paralyze me with anxiety.

She had plated my meal like the doctors had instructed her: a carb, a fat, and a protein, what they say every meal should look like. Plus, I needed a little extra in order to ensure I would gain during the week.

I was having problems with feeling overly full, because I was just starting to eat normally without my feeding tube, so eating a full meal and everything on my plate was extremely uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

It felt like so. much. food.

But, it wasn't.

This was how people ate breakfast everyday.

But coming out of such a prolonged period of restriction, I had to work up to being able to eat normal meals again.

In my lowest periods of restriction, I would sometimes eat as low as under 600 calories a day, and not replenish calories burned from my workout.

My doctors wouldn't give me the number of calories I was expected to eat for fear that it would scare me. Instead they told me I would be able to eyeball it and know if a component was missing, I should add it to my plate for a more complete meal.

Almost immediately when I started eating full meals again and had access to food that wasn't hospital food, my hunger was ravenous.

I still thought about food all of the time, I worried about what I was expected to eat next and when, and I thought about the foods I was afraid to eat, and those I called my "uncompromisables" the food I wouldn't even dare challenge myself to, it was just a no.

I started waking up in the middle of the night hungry.

At the time, having heard nothing about extreme hunger, I was really worried that after severe restriction, my body might swing to the other extreme and start bingeing. For me, this didn't seem too illogical, considering some of these foods have been "banned" from my diet for almost five years! Now I was expected to eat it, encouraged even!

But, I would wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from midnight to 2 a.m. hungry, but with a very specific craving. For the most part, I always wanted peanut butter sandwiches.

I could wake up in the middle of the night, have a sandwich, go rest my head on the pillow, and I'd be hungry again!

I would look at my stomach as if to scorn it, "you just had one!" I whispered.

In the beginning of my recovery I would pace back and forth next to my bed, maybe go get some water, and hope the feeling would pass.

I would not become overweight, I thought. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

After being unable to fall back asleep for an hour, I would have one, even two more sandwiches until I felt satisfied enough to go to sleep.

In the morning I would wake up starving!

I couldn't wait to go down to breakfast.

I felt like my body was betraying my mind.

These were foods I had been scared of just three weeks prior, and now my body could demand five peanut butter sandwiches in one sitting.

Mealtime still gave me immense anxiety, I was still scared to eat, but now my body had the hunger cues. It was asking to be fed, and I seemingly had no option but to give in.

Extreme hunger can provoke more anxiety for the person experiencing it, because a lot of doctors and therapists, even friends I have encountered didn't understand or had never heard the term before!

At the time I had thought they had never heard the term, because maybe I had made it up or something of the sort, but, they had most likely never heard of it because they themselves haven't experienced an eating disorder or had known someone who had.

I've had people tell me that I was binging, that I was compulsively eating, sleep eating, etc. This had really upset me, because I had vocalized that this had been such a big fear of mine. But the way that I ruled out binging or compulsive eating, and all that, is because with binging, you feel as if you have no control over the amount of food you are taking in and it is a short period of time. I always tried to be very mindful, especially when extreme hunger was particularly rampant. I would ask myself 'what is it that I feel like I need/want right now?' 'how would this nourish me?'

For example, during my period of extreme hunger, which lasted probably three-four months, I mainly wanted peanut butter sandwiches. During my periods of restriction, I had completely eliminated fats from my diet, and rarely, if ever consumed bread.

As my doctor explained, fat is necessary for cell growth and for energy, and our brain is made up of fat. So, it only made sense that I was craving what my body needed for repair, having been without fats for so so long.

I had read up a lot about extreme hunger, and I tried my best to explain to my family what it was and what I was experiencing. My family was really supportive, I think they were just so happy to see me eating properly again. I told my mom, mainly, too, because sometimes, as much as I tried to embrace and accept what was happening, it was exhausting.

She would encourage me to try eating more calorie-dense foods, so I wouldn't feel the need to take in a high volume, which scared me- the sheer quantity. However, it didn't seem to help. Sometimes after a day the scale would read a larger number, or my hunger cues just wouldn't rest, I would feel emotionally and physically exhausted, and need someone to talk me through.

I didn't share with everyone what I was experiencing, because as I mentioned, a lot of people who have never experienced eating disorders are not familiar with it. I felt embarrassed by the quantity of food I had to eat, but I knew it was essential for my recovery. My organs were showing signs of shutting down, and had begun to feed off of themselves I had been restricting for so long, so my body desperately craved these nutrients and in large quantities!

During this time, I mainly surrounded myself with my family and made my primary focus my recovery and getting to the weight I needed to be at.

I'm not trying to say that the process is easy- it most certainly is not. But, I put into practice some tips that made it a little bit easier for me.

• If you have been in a period of restriction for a long period of time, accept that extreme hunger is extremely possible for your body. Try to ask yourself what it is your body needs, or what it is you might want to nourish yourself [trying to throw away any previous food rules you might have followed].
• Understand that if you had lost a significant amount of weight, it will come back. This is not a bad thing and do not be scared of this. You are not gaining weight, necessarily. This is your body trying to get back to its natural, healthy state, where you can function best.
• Keeping that in mind, if your doctors/therapist, etc. needs to weigh you- don't look! Cover your eyes, step on the scale backwards, and don't be afraid to let them know not to talk numbers. You. are. not. a number. And there is no number goal in recovery. The numbers are for the doctors to worry about, not you. They will let you know when you're in a healthy range and if you start to slip below that. 
• A big thing for me during recovery was having restricted for so long, and loving shopping like I do, I had bought a lot of clothes that were not my normal size. When I started getting healthy again, these clothes no longer fit. Like I said above, know that this was never your size. This was never the healthy size you were intended to be. If knowing these clothes no longer fit will upset you, don't try them on, simply toss them into a donate pile, and don't give them a second thought.
• Explain to a few people close to you what it is you're going through so they'll be better able to understand and to help you when you hit rough patches.
• Do not compare what you're eating to what the people around you are eating. You are in recovery. Your body requires more than someone whose body has not experienced damage.
• Understand that the period of extreme hunger will not last forever, that it is temporary while your body rebuilds may help to reduce the anxiety you feel. It does not last forever. Your hunger cues will go back to normal.