I Watched Insatiable Here's What They Got Wrong

I've been hearing a lot of mixed reviews about Netflix's new show 'Insatiable'. The premise of the series is the main girl is bullied for being overweight, and after getting into a fight where her jaw is wired shut for three months, she loses a significant amount of weight. Once she is viewed as skinny, she suddenly has the attention she craved from boys, and to her, all her problems are solved.

People on Twitter voiced their concerns fast. Was the show perpetuating negative stereotypes about women? Was the show perpetuating the idea that only a skinny body is a good body? Was it glamorizing eating disorders?

My first concern was its target audience is young girls.

The show opens up by explaining that the main character has been dieting and struggling with food as early as eight years old. Unfortunately many kids in America do. 80% of ten-year-old's have a fear of getting fat.

I start to feel bad for her, because I can see her mom, as well as the bullies at school contribute to her negative perception of her body. The mom jokes that she's very serious about food, and says, "it can't be easy looking like that and having a mom like me."

This shows how if your mom, caretaker or someone close to you is always talking negatively about themselves, or has a disordered view of food, it can be passed on and picked up by the children around them. This was and still is one of my biggest fears about someday possibly having kids. I want to make sure she has a healthy perception about her body and a healthy view of food.

Before her jaw is wired shut, she is using unhealthy behaviors in attempts to lose weight, like skipping meals, obsessively counting steps, etc.

The girls in her family and her close friend seem to be competing with each other when it comes to food, and if one eats 'junk' food, they are seen as weak. I think women especially can work to actively support each other when it comes to healthy body image and view of food. We can work not to shame each other about our bodies and things we can't change, and instead lift each other up. If someone eats 'junk' food, it does not mean they're weak. Food is meant to be enjoyed, in moderation, of course. But if you want a treat, you're more than entitled. You don't have to 'earn' it.

After she loses the weight, things seem to magically fall into place for her, which is not the case at all.  I think this is an extremely dangerous idea to put in the mind of young girls. The size of your body will certainly not fix all of your problems if your perception and thoughts about your body and food are still unhealthy. The show fails to acknowledge the anxiety that can come as a result of losing that much weight in such a short amount of time. Just because her outside looks different doesn't mean her mental state around food and her body has changed, because she still has an immense fear of being fat, and she still views junk food as something 'bad' and puts herself above that.

I think the show perpetuates the idea that only skinny girls can be seen as desired in our culture.

"She was a beauty queen waiting to happen," one character said about her.

I think if one decides to watch the show, it's important to remember that eating disorders are one of the deadliest mental illnesses, and it is grossly under-treated, and not nearly talked about enough. Your worth has nothing to do about what your body looks like and the physical traits of your body. Your worth is defined by your character, and that doesn't change as your body does.

Overall, I do not think the show intended to do harm. I think it was an attempt at satire that fell short by perpetuating age-old stereotypes, rather than take a different stance or message.

If you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating, visit nationaleatingdisorders.org

I Finally Watched 'To the Bone' Here's What They Got Right

It took me a year and a half, but it finally happened. I watched Netflix's "To The Bone", about a girl suffering from anorexia and her recovery journey.

When it was first released I was very fresh into recovery and triggered by nearly everything. I would say I was in recovery, but not really sure if I was ready to commit to it. I put on the movie, and in the first ten minutes, I cried and turned off the movie.

Here's what I'll say: it's a good movie. For those who don't have first-hand knowledge of eating disorders, it can be an educational and eye-opening film. The intended audience is probably not intended for those who have suffered. It is not intending to be triggering or make light of a serious, life-threatening disease.

If you feel uncomfortable by the movie, put it off until you are in more stable footing in your recovery. If you still have you heart or mind set on watching the film, watch it with someone you are comfortable with. Pause the movie if you are having a hard time with a particular scene and talk about how you're feeling and why you feel this way. This can also help the other person understand the way you think about certain scenarios.

Now that I can look at the film objectively and with my first-hand knowledge of what treatment was like for me, I can see what the film did right. And they have many things right.

-People don't know how to confront the sufferer- this is frequently the case and people have different approaches which can be anger, giving up as a result of frustration, or trying to shock them into recovery. In the beginning, Ellen's step mom is upset seeing her body and the number on the scale. She takes a picture of her body and shows her what she looks like, asking her if she thinks it's beautiful. (often times, which was also the case in my own experience, the person suffering will have a skewed vision of what their body actually looks like), however, trying to guilt-trip them into recovery is not beneficial.

The sister says "I don't really get it just eat." She says she doesn't get to have a sister and every time she looks at pictures of the two, she remembers when she was sick. The sister believes her eating disorder was a conscious choice, as she asks her "every time I ask you why you do this I get some stupid, non answer."

A lot of people who don't have knowledge of eating disorders do not understand the internal struggle or how it came to be and will beg, plead, and maybe yell "just eat!" This is frustrating for both parties, as "just eat" is not a viable solution.

Her mom bought her a hamburger cake that says "eat up, Ellen" telling her it's supposed to be funny. This was a 'joke' that used to cause me to freak out, too, because people just didn't seem to understand!

-The sufferer doesn't comprehend the seriousness of the problem: Ellen uses humor to diffuse the situation, which was a coping mechanism I relied heavily on, too, to get the attention off of myself. Her step mom asks her "are you proud of yourself?" to which she responds "I'm maintaining".  Even if you're maintaining your body weight, your weight is not at a healthy level. You cannot see the damage that was done to your organs and the nutrients you may be missing (electrolytes, potassium, etc.).

-Parents/ caretakers feel guilt: Most likely an eating disorder cannot be attributed to one problem or cause, but likely a series of influences that accumulated overtime. Parents often feel guilt of "how did they not see things were getting so bad?" or "how can we not have stopped this from happening?" The mom feels helpless, saying "I don't know what to do, she's dying right in front of us." This is how my mom felt with me, too. Unfortunately, it is something the sufferer needs to confront, and be ready and willing to accept help to get better.

-Isolation: The sufferer will often avoid social situations that involve food/alcohol to stick to their strict food rules, and as a result will spend a lot of time alone. Depression/anxiety can also lead the person to avoid outings.

-Eating disorders don't discriminate: in the treatment center there was a man, a woman of color, a young girl, and a pregnant woman. It can happen to anybody.

-Talking about food/numbers is triggering: in treatment, patients aren't allowed to discuss food, weight, numbers with each other and parents and doctors are encouraged to avoid this type of talk as well. Ellen sent another patient into a panic when she told her how many calories were in each bag of her feeding tube. When I had my feeding tube, another patient said "damn, they're really feeding you, huh?" and from that point on I would "forget" to re-plug my feeding tube after going to the bathroom, I would encourage doctors to turn it off for a period of time, or to slow down the rate of feed.

-Restricting food messes with your body: After an extended time of restriction, you can lose your period. You can start to grow extra hair on your body, as your bodies way to try to keep warm. After your body has fed off the fat tissue, it will go to feeding off muscle, than organ tissue.

-Food rules: The sufferer might have a strict set of rules surrounding what they will/will not eat, the times they will/will not eat, who they will eat with, where and how. These rules most likely will not make sense to anyone else, but to the one suffering they seem perfectly valid and justified at the time.

-More often than not, getting to the root of the problem is not black/white: 
"How do you do it? Eat? I get all panicky thinking about it"- Ellen
"Feel the fear, do it anyway."
"Aren't you scared you aren't going to be able to stop?" - Ellen
"I'm not going to lie... I'm really fucking hungry"
"Whenever I can't sleep I draw food"

This was a big concern of mine as well when I was first recovering. I was so scared that my body would go from one extreme to the other, and that once I started taking in food again, I wouldn't be able to stop. This was not the case at all. My body would crave the things it was missing, if I was tuning in and fully listening to it. I wondered why I would crave things like peanut butter, and my dietitian told me our brains are mostly composed of fats, and my body was deprived of it for so long, my body is telling me that's what it desperately needs to start to heal.

-You can't force someone into treatment- You can, but if they're not ready to accept recovery into their life, then treatment will only be 30 days, their electrolytes and nutrient levels will be stabilized, then most likely they will return home and revert back to their old habits. What you can do is be a friend, be patient, listen, try to understand to the best of your ability, and if you can't listen with empathy to your friend and ask them what you can do to help.


If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can visit nationaleatingdisorders.org for more information and resources.

What is 'extreme hunger' and how to deal

Potential trigger warning: this post contains numbers as related to calories and may contain description of my own personal diet. This is not intended to be followed, and any individual should discuss with their doctor to determine what works best for their body. I am not a dietitian, psychiatrist, or any of the sort, just talk about my own personal experience in my anorexia recovery journey in hopes of helping others. 

According to EDinstitute.org, extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone recovering from any kind of eating disorder. During this time, you may want and will need far more than the Homodynamic Recovery Method intake guidelines suggest, and find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000 to 10,000 calories in a single day.

Before I was released from the hospital, I made a promise to my doctors that if they discharged me, I would stick to any meal plan they gave me at home.

The numbers at the time scared me. I was still severely underweight and had to gain a significant amount to be in a safe, normal weight range for my height.

Although the numbers given to me scared me, my doctors encouraged me not to focus on the numbers, not to focus on the long-term in terms of how far I still had to go, but to take it day by day. My doctors had also told me that the more I ate, the more my body would start to trust me again, and I would actually become hungrier. My hunger cues would return, but I wasn't yet at the point where I could only rely on my hunger cues. Sometimes I would have to eat when I wasn't hungry, trusting that my body needed the fuel to repair and rebuild the damage that had been done.

My doctors never told me about extreme hunger.

That would be something I would learn first-hand, on my own, with no one to explain what was happening to me.

The first time I heard my stomach growl outside of the hospital, I cried.

I was scared of my hunger cues. I was scared to feel hungry, after becoming comfortable with feeling empty for so long.

My stomach growled almost immediately after my mom and I had finished breakfast.

She had plated my food for me, as we were at our hotel breakfast buffet, and she knew full well if I was left to decide for myself, the choice of what I should have to eat would paralyze me with anxiety.

She had plated my meal like the doctors had instructed her: a carb, a fat, and a protein, what they say every meal should look like. Plus, I needed a little extra in order to ensure I would gain during the week.

I was having problems with feeling overly full, because I was just starting to eat normally without my feeding tube, so eating a full meal and everything on my plate was extremely uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

It felt like so. much. food.

But, it wasn't.

This was how people ate breakfast everyday.

But coming out of such a prolonged period of restriction, I had to work up to being able to eat normal meals again.

In my lowest periods of restriction, I would sometimes eat as low as under 600 calories a day, and not replenish calories burned from my workout.

My doctors wouldn't give me the number of calories I was expected to eat for fear that it would scare me. Instead they told me I would be able to eyeball it and know if a component was missing, I should add it to my plate for a more complete meal.

Almost immediately when I started eating full meals again and had access to food that wasn't hospital food, my hunger was ravenous.

I still thought about food all of the time, I worried about what I was expected to eat next and when, and I thought about the foods I was afraid to eat, and those I called my "uncompromisables" the food I wouldn't even dare challenge myself to, it was just a no.

I started waking up in the middle of the night hungry.

At the time, having heard nothing about extreme hunger, I was really worried that after severe restriction, my body might swing to the other extreme and start bingeing. For me, this didn't seem too illogical, considering some of these foods have been "banned" from my diet for almost five years! Now I was expected to eat it, encouraged even!

But, I would wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from midnight to 2 a.m. hungry, but with a very specific craving. For the most part, I always wanted peanut butter sandwiches.

I could wake up in the middle of the night, have a sandwich, go rest my head on the pillow, and I'd be hungry again!

I would look at my stomach as if to scorn it, "you just had one!" I whispered.

In the beginning of my recovery I would pace back and forth next to my bed, maybe go get some water, and hope the feeling would pass.

I would not become overweight, I thought. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

After being unable to fall back asleep for an hour, I would have one, even two more sandwiches until I felt satisfied enough to go to sleep.

In the morning I would wake up starving!

I couldn't wait to go down to breakfast.

I felt like my body was betraying my mind.

These were foods I had been scared of just three weeks prior, and now my body could demand five peanut butter sandwiches in one sitting.

Mealtime still gave me immense anxiety, I was still scared to eat, but now my body had the hunger cues. It was asking to be fed, and I seemingly had no option but to give in.

Extreme hunger can provoke more anxiety for the person experiencing it, because a lot of doctors and therapists, even friends I have encountered didn't understand or had never heard the term before!

At the time I had thought they had never heard the term, because maybe I had made it up or something of the sort, but, they had most likely never heard of it because they themselves haven't experienced an eating disorder or had known someone who had.

I've had people tell me that I was binging, that I was compulsively eating, sleep eating, etc. This had really upset me, because I had vocalized that this had been such a big fear of mine. But the way that I ruled out binging or compulsive eating, and all that, is because with binging, you feel as if you have no control over the amount of food you are taking in and it is a short period of time. I always tried to be very mindful, especially when extreme hunger was particularly rampant. I would ask myself 'what is it that I feel like I need/want right now?' 'how would this nourish me?'

For example, during my period of extreme hunger, which lasted probably three-four months, I mainly wanted peanut butter sandwiches. During my periods of restriction, I had completely eliminated fats from my diet, and rarely, if ever consumed bread.

As my doctor explained, fat is necessary for cell growth and for energy, and our brain is made up of fat. So, it only made sense that I was craving what my body needed for repair, having been without fats for so so long.

I had read up a lot about extreme hunger, and I tried my best to explain to my family what it was and what I was experiencing. My family was really supportive, I think they were just so happy to see me eating properly again. I told my mom, mainly, too, because sometimes, as much as I tried to embrace and accept what was happening, it was exhausting.

She would encourage me to try eating more calorie-dense foods, so I wouldn't feel the need to take in a high volume, which scared me- the sheer quantity. However, it didn't seem to help. Sometimes after a day the scale would read a larger number, or my hunger cues just wouldn't rest, I would feel emotionally and physically exhausted, and need someone to talk me through.

I didn't share with everyone what I was experiencing, because as I mentioned, a lot of people who have never experienced eating disorders are not familiar with it. I felt embarrassed by the quantity of food I had to eat, but I knew it was essential for my recovery. My organs were showing signs of shutting down, and had begun to feed off of themselves I had been restricting for so long, so my body desperately craved these nutrients and in large quantities!

During this time, I mainly surrounded myself with my family and made my primary focus my recovery and getting to the weight I needed to be at.

I'm not trying to say that the process is easy- it most certainly is not. But, I put into practice some tips that made it a little bit easier for me.

• If you have been in a period of restriction for a long period of time, accept that extreme hunger is extremely possible for your body. Try to ask yourself what it is your body needs, or what it is you might want to nourish yourself [trying to throw away any previous food rules you might have followed].
• Understand that if you had lost a significant amount of weight, it will come back. This is not a bad thing and do not be scared of this. You are not gaining weight, necessarily. This is your body trying to get back to its natural, healthy state, where you can function best.
• Keeping that in mind, if your doctors/therapist, etc. needs to weigh you- don't look! Cover your eyes, step on the scale backwards, and don't be afraid to let them know not to talk numbers. You. are. not. a number. And there is no number goal in recovery. The numbers are for the doctors to worry about, not you. They will let you know when you're in a healthy range and if you start to slip below that. 
• A big thing for me during recovery was having restricted for so long, and loving shopping like I do, I had bought a lot of clothes that were not my normal size. When I started getting healthy again, these clothes no longer fit. Like I said above, know that this was never your size. This was never the healthy size you were intended to be. If knowing these clothes no longer fit will upset you, don't try them on, simply toss them into a donate pile, and don't give them a second thought.
• Explain to a few people close to you what it is you're going through so they'll be better able to understand and to help you when you hit rough patches.
• Do not compare what you're eating to what the people around you are eating. You are in recovery. Your body requires more than someone whose body has not experienced damage.
• Understand that the period of extreme hunger will not last forever, that it is temporary while your body rebuilds may help to reduce the anxiety you feel. It does not last forever. Your hunger cues will go back to normal.

Recap of NEDA Walk 2017

"It's time to talk about it"

Thank you to those who donated to Team Kwas to help us raise a total of $1,305 for the 2017 Santa Monica NEDA walk. We surpassed our original goal by $300!

After almost a week of rain in Los Angeles, we finally got a sunny day- making it the perfect morning for a walk by the beach.

Leading up to the walk, I was excited about the thought of the event, however, the morning of I was extremely nervous. The jig was up. My secret would now be out. Or so I thought. During my entire span of treatment, I never wanted my name associated with the dreaded "A" word, because of the stigma that was attached to it. People saw it as a disorder about vanity, or perfectionism. Which sometimes, I guess is the case. But, not for me. For me, it was never about food, or how I looked. For me, anorexia developed as a manifestation of poor self esteem. My depression was drowning me. I didn't care how my body looked, because I never wanted to look in the mirror long enough to analyze it. I didn't want to use the "A" word, because that would mean admitting there was a problem, which in turn would mean admitting I needed help. I needed to face it. Who would want that?

ED thoughts bombarded me as my sister and I made our way to the beach. I wondered what the other walkers would look like. I wonder if they would even believe I ever suffered from an eating disorder, now that I was weight restored.

I wrongfully had these thoughts during in-patient treatment, also, but to my dismay, I almost was kicked out of treatment in fear that my low weight might trigger the other patients or hinder their recovery.

I wondered if being at the walk would help, or trigger me further. I briefly hoped it would trigger me, but quickly dismissed it. 

These thoughts always catch me by surprise having been in what most people would call 'recovery' for almost five months now. But, that's the dangerous thing about eating disorders. The symptoms aren't always obvious, as they are often things that can't be seen, something the sufferer hides and hides well.

I knew this was supposed to be an event about celebrating recovery, but I was constantly fighting it.

The energy at the walk was incredible. You could feel the men and women in attendance were feeling happy to be alive, happy to be given a second shot at life, and a dedication to life and learning to love it and themselves.

Meeting people in person that you have connected with over Instagram through the eating disorder community was a surreal and inspiring things. There are so many people doing amazing work to support recovery through blogging, and have helped me immensely throughout my own recovery by answering my questions and being a shoulder to virtually cry on when days got challenging.

I was looking forward to hearing the speakers: Aerie Real Model, Iskra Lawrence, YouTuber, Matt Shepard and Instagrammer and Body Positive/Recovery Activist, Gina (@nourishandeat).

I loved hearing Matt Shepard's speech about acknowledging the minority in the eating disorder community, which are the men who suffer.

All pain is valid and needs to be acknowledged as so. His speech was powerful and motivating, and contained a call to action to address the men. Acknowledging that men also suffer allow them the courage to speak out and speak up and ask for help.

Like any other disease, mental health and eating disorders do not discriminate. They affect men, women, minorities, and people of all ages and sizes. 

It was refreshing to hear Iskra Lawrence reinforce to the men and women in the audience that every body is a good body, regardless of the media tells us. As the face of Aerie Real, she embraces her flaws, stretch marks and imperfections and exudes confidence.

There was so much power in the walk banding together with men and women and encouraging each other, rather than judging one another. Encouraging each other to love the skin we're in, imperfections and all. We have one body that is merely a vehicle to get from point A to point B and is capable of amazing things, and like Iskra said, our body is our home. We should treat it nicely. Everything on the outside is simply decoration.

There are no words to describe how special I felt having my sister, and our friends spend their Saturday morning with us walking in my honor, and all of those who have suffered and have come out victorious, or are working on building up their strength.

As I chug along on my recovery journey, I am learning more and more everyday how much my struggles have affected my family as well as they have myself.

My sister said being at the walk was emotional for her, because she was about to walk with me, rather than in honor of me. And after the last year, it was a close call.

As Matt Shepard told the crowd, "Your recovery is the greatest gift you have."

And I'm working on it every day.

Until next year... It's time to talk about it. 

What does it mean to be a 'Recovery Hero?'

"A best friend is someone who loves you when you forget to love yourself."

 During National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) week, we talk a lot about recovery heroes. But what does that really mean? Who is a recovery hero?

A recovery hero to me is someone who helps you stay behavior- free, or sober, depending on what you might be struggling with. 

A recovery hero can be anything or anyone that helps you live a life free of any negative behaviors; from rediscovering your love of writing or painting, something you haven't done since you were a child to your dog, whose company holds you accountable, keeps you from feeling lonely, and ultimately, away from any self-destructive behaviors. 

A recovery hero is a man or woman who has seen you at your worst and still shows you unwavering support, and ultimately, hope. Even if you have none left. Even when all your hope for reaching and maintaining recovery has come and gone, your recovery hero maintains enough for the both of you- confident that you will get through whatever darkness you are facing. 

He or she is the person who is trying so desperately to pull you out of the mud, regardless of how much your disorder or illness tries to convince you and everyone else around you that it's comfortable there. The mud feels nice, because the mud keeps you numb to whatever you're trying to run away from. But, you can't reside there forever. Eventually, one of two things have to happen: either the mud will suck you in, or your recovery hero, filled with adrenaline will fight off the mud that's pulling you deeper and deeper away from their embrace, and lift you out and back into the light. Because no matter how far into the mud you may be, there's still light. There's always light. And a recovery hero is one who helps you find it again. He or she is the person that despite all other efforts from outsiders is able to get through to you, if only just for a moment. They are the reason something deep down inside of you is still fighting. 

The demons you are battling may have you convinced you that you are stuck in the mud, but the stronger part, the part that is still you, the part that is your soul, the part of you that made this recovery hero fall in love with you, the part of you that convinces them that you're worth fighting for, that there's something to be saved is scratching at the surface, desperate to be pulled out. 

A recovery hero is the person who you can talk to for hours, without them interrupting your endless stream of thoughts. You can call them at any time of the day or night, and they will pick up, offering to drop by if you need anything at all, even just someone to sit by your side. 

Regardless of how hard that your disorder is pushing against you, find that piece of you that wants to be pulled out of the mud, even if it's only an ounce. Find that ounce of hope and remember that their is light. Hope is still their. If you can't find it on your own, reach out to your recovery hero. Be vocal and speak up. Ask for help. Reach out your hand, and yell, "pull!" Your sure to get through the mud together. 

If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, take a confidential screening www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/screening-tool.