"It's time to talk about it"
Thank you to those who donated to Team Kwas to help us raise a total of $1,305 for the 2017 Santa Monica NEDA walk. We surpassed our original goal by $300!
After almost a week of rain in Los Angeles, we finally got a sunny day- making it the perfect morning for a walk by the beach.
Leading up to the walk, I was excited about the thought of the event, however, the morning of I was extremely nervous. The jig was up. My secret would now be out. Or so I thought. During my entire span of treatment, I never wanted my name associated with the dreaded "A" word, because of the stigma that was attached to it. People saw it as a disorder about vanity, or perfectionism. Which sometimes, I guess is the case. But, not for me. For me, it was never about food, or how I looked. For me, anorexia developed as a manifestation of poor self esteem. My depression was drowning me. I didn't care how my body looked, because I never wanted to look in the mirror long enough to analyze it. I didn't want to use the "A" word, because that would mean admitting there was a problem, which in turn would mean admitting I needed help. I needed to face it. Who would want that?
ED thoughts bombarded me as my sister and I made our way to the beach. I wondered what the other walkers would look like. I wonder if they would even believe I ever suffered from an eating disorder, now that I was weight restored.
I wrongfully had these thoughts during in-patient treatment, also, but to my dismay, I almost was kicked out of treatment in fear that my low weight might trigger the other patients or hinder their recovery.
I wondered if being at the walk would help, or trigger me further. I briefly hoped it would trigger me, but quickly dismissed it.
These thoughts always catch me by surprise having been in what most people would call 'recovery' for almost five months now. But, that's the dangerous thing about eating disorders. The symptoms aren't always obvious, as they are often things that can't be seen, something the sufferer hides and hides well.
I knew this was supposed to be an event about celebrating recovery, but I was constantly fighting it.
The energy at the walk was incredible. You could feel the men and women in attendance were feeling happy to be alive, happy to be given a second shot at life, and a dedication to life and learning to love it and themselves.
Meeting people in person that you have connected with over Instagram through the eating disorder community was a surreal and inspiring things. There are so many people doing amazing work to support recovery through blogging, and have helped me immensely throughout my own recovery by answering my questions and being a shoulder to virtually cry on when days got challenging.
I was looking forward to hearing the speakers: Aerie Real Model, Iskra Lawrence, YouTuber, Matt Shepard and Instagrammer and Body Positive/Recovery Activist, Gina (@nourishandeat).
I loved hearing Matt Shepard's speech about acknowledging the minority in the eating disorder community, which are the men who suffer.
All pain is valid and needs to be acknowledged as so. His speech was powerful and motivating, and contained a call to action to address the men. Acknowledging that men also suffer allow them the courage to speak out and speak up and ask for help.
Like any other disease, mental health and eating disorders do not discriminate. They affect men, women, minorities, and people of all ages and sizes.
It was refreshing to hear Iskra Lawrence reinforce to the men and women in the audience that every body is a good body, regardless of the media tells us. As the face of Aerie Real, she embraces her flaws, stretch marks and imperfections and exudes confidence.
There was so much power in the walk banding together with men and women and encouraging each other, rather than judging one another. Encouraging each other to love the skin we're in, imperfections and all. We have one body that is merely a vehicle to get from point A to point B and is capable of amazing things, and like Iskra said, our body is our home. We should treat it nicely. Everything on the outside is simply decoration.
There are no words to describe how special I felt having my sister, and our friends spend their Saturday morning with us walking in my honor, and all of those who have suffered and have come out victorious, or are working on building up their strength.
As I chug along on my recovery journey, I am learning more and more everyday how much my struggles have affected my family as well as they have myself.
My sister said being at the walk was emotional for her, because she was about to walk with me, rather than in honor of me. And after the last year, it was a close call.
As Matt Shepard told the crowd, "Your recovery is the greatest gift you have."
And I'm working on it every day.
Until next year... It's time to talk about it.
"It's time to talk about it"
Thank you to those who donated to Team Kwas to help us raise a total of $1,305 for the 2017 Santa Monica NEDA walk. We surpassed our original goal by $300!
I wrongfully had these thoughts during in-patient treatment, also, but to my dismay, I almost was kicked out of treatment in fear that my low weight might trigger the other patients or hinder their recovery.
I wondered if being at the walk would help, or trigger me further. I briefly hoped it would trigger me, but quickly dismissed it.
The energy at the walk was incredible. You could feel the men and women in attendance were feeling happy to be alive, happy to be given a second shot at life, and a dedication to life and learning to love it and themselves.
Meeting people in person that you have connected with over Instagram through the eating disorder community was a surreal and inspiring things. There are so many people doing amazing work to support recovery through blogging, and have helped me immensely throughout my own recovery by answering my questions and being a shoulder to virtually cry on when days got challenging.
I was looking forward to hearing the speakers: Aerie Real Model, Iskra Lawrence, YouTuber, Matt Shepard and Instagrammer and Body Positive/Recovery Activist, Gina (@nourishandeat).
I loved hearing Matt Shepard's speech about acknowledging the minority in the eating disorder community, which are the men who suffer.
All pain is valid and needs to be acknowledged as so. His speech was powerful and motivating, and contained a call to action to address the men. Acknowledging that men also suffer allow them the courage to speak out and speak up and ask for help.
Like any other disease, mental health and eating disorders do not discriminate. They affect men, women, minorities, and people of all ages and sizes.
It was refreshing to hear Iskra Lawrence reinforce to the men and women in the audience that every body is a good body, regardless of the media tells us. As the face of Aerie Real, she embraces her flaws, stretch marks and imperfections and exudes confidence.
There was so much power in the walk banding together with men and women and encouraging each other, rather than judging one another. Encouraging each other to love the skin we're in, imperfections and all. We have one body that is merely a vehicle to get from point A to point B and is capable of amazing things, and like Iskra said, our body is our home. We should treat it nicely. Everything on the outside is simply decoration.
There are no words to describe how special I felt having my sister, and our friends spend their Saturday morning with us walking in my honor, and all of those who have suffered and have come out victorious, or are working on building up their strength.
As I chug along on my recovery journey, I am learning more and more everyday how much my struggles have affected my family as well as they have myself.
My sister said being at the walk was emotional for her, because she was about to walk with me, rather than in honor of me. And after the last year, it was a close call.
As Matt Shepard told the crowd, "Your recovery is the greatest gift you have."
And I'm working on it every day.
Until next year... It's time to talk about it.
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