"You have the power to say 'this is not how my story is going to end.'"I remember my first time in treatment for my eating disorder, during group therapy, one girl stated that she hated her eating disorder, because of all the things it stole from her, and stops her from doing.
In my extreme hunger, and delusional glory, I pondered this, and genuinely didn't have any idea what she meant.
For years, I believed I could have everything, and also have the comfort of my eating disorder, my coping mechanism, my confidante. I could have the comfort without the sacrifice.
The girl continued to tell us that she missed riding her horses, something she used to love to do before she got sick. Now, she was too weak and wouldn't be able to go riding until she completed treatment.
Her sentiment would again cross my mind briefly, leading me to make up a list of my own inspirations to get recovered:
[Going off the best of my memory, June 2016, here were my reasons:]
-to find a pair of jeans that fit!
-to be strong enough to return to boxing
-to bike, hike, walk and swim again
-to join intramural soccer
-to be able to enjoy meals with people: when a friend, guy, or professor asks me for lunch, I can say yes
-to continue to do the job that I love
-to get to go on dates
-not to be tired all of the time
-not to be cold all of the time
-get to go to concerts again
-go to the bar with my friends
-to finish school and graduate on time
-for my mom
*Looking back at my original list now, I see the majority of my motivations for getting well were so I can go back to sports and athletic activities. This was part of the reason so many doctors were interested in my case, because I have been an athlete my entire life, and I would total seven weeks in the hospital, with the strength of a senor citizen. Also, looking back now, not one of the reasons I had put down were centered around my own personal health or happiness.
However, now, I can say with certainty that the list has changed, and I am grateful for more. The things I am able to do now, I do so mindfully, knowing that just over six months ago I would have never imagined doing these activities:
-Walking across campus several times a day with ease
-Graduating a semester early AND walking across stage to receive my diploma
-Making the dean's list, while I completed my final semester of coursework from my hospital bed
-Moving to California
-Walking to the beach
-Joining a kickball league
-Going on weekend trips
-Going to spin class
-Working out when I feel like it, without overdoing it
-Eating when I feel like it, and what I feel like (within reason)
-Enjoying writing again and doing it on a regular basis
-Going out with groups of friends without anxiety
-Working with dogs for work, standing on my feet all day
There are many beautiful and inspiring reasons to recover, you just have to ask yourself what's your why? and you will find it. Commit to it. It's worth it.
If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, visit www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ to receive more resources.
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