Intuitive Exercise

"The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness."-Frederich Nietzsche

 I'm sure we're all familiar with the quote how too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, right?

For people who have experienced 'black-and-white thinking', also known as the 'all-or-nothing attitude or mindset', we have a hard time wrapping our minds around this concept. If it's good for you, wouldn't the more you do it be better?

Wrong.

This was my opinion on exercise. Slowly, my obsession developed from a harmless three times a week, if I could fit it in my schedule, to a no-excuses seven times a week regimen. I didn't take days off, I didn't rest, and did whatever I had to do to make my workout happen.

As my obsession with exercise developed, so did my obsession with following what I thought was a clean diet, which turned out to be extremely and dangerously low in calories.

For someone who was obsessed with fitness and obsessed with feeling progress in every area,I definitely wasn't succeeding. I remember feeling too tired to complete my workouts- having to take a knee while my trainer had tried to convince me I had the ability to keep going. I felt defeat, shame, and weakness. I often felt lightheaded from not eating enough to fuel my workouts, or feeling too full because I took in too much after a period of restriction. I remember pushing my body to the brink of exhaustion in order to complete a workout and hit an unrealistic quota which I set myself. I would walk out in the middle of an exercise class and sit in my car and cry, waiting out the period where I felt faint or dehydrated, whatever it was that stopped me from continuing.

When I was pushing myself and my body, the workouts no longer felt as if they were giving me a release of those 'happy endorphins' which caused people to work out in the first place. I felt pressure and stress, like if I didn't perform at a certain level, I had somehow failed. But, I often failed to realize as much as I valued fitness in my life, I was not and am not an athlete in training for anything. I am a regular person, who enjoys working out, because I like it and it feels good.

When I first learned about the concept of Intuitive Exercise (working out how and when it feels good for your body) I thought it was a nice idea in theory, but given my background, I just didn't think it would ever be possible for me.

I had developed strict rules around being in the gym: the days I'd go, the exercises I would perform, how long I'd be there, etc. I couldn't imagine simply doing nothing.

A week after I was discharged from the hospital, I tried to go for a bike ride, despite my doctor telling me to remain on bed rest. I only wanted to see if I could ride a mile, but felt as if I was barely moving. My legs weren't cooperating with me.

After realizing how mean and unforgiving I had been to my body for all it had gotten me through, I took almost a year off of serious exercise. It was extremely hard for me, but I knew it was what I had to do to start healing my mindset around exercise and my relationship with food.

I learned to appreciate things about myself that weren't related to my body, and how to feel accomplished about things that didn't have to do with my workout, my ability to 'stick to my diet' or things of that nature.

When I decided to start up in the gym again, I was extremely nervous, unsure if I was ready, and unsure if I would be able to properly manage a routine without overdoing it again.

Disclaimer: I am still and will always be working on this as it takes a lot of practice, self-reassurance, ability to forgive yourself and patience. Sometimes you will mess up, and that's OK, that's part of the process.

In committing myself to the gym, I also knew that if I wanted to work out, I had to properly fuel my body to do so. I believe intuitive eating goes hand-in-hand with intuitive exercise, but for me I had to set a few rules. If I wanted to do a more intense workout, I had to fuel myself before and after. Our bodies are like cars and cannot function properly if we don't give it the gas we need to run. I would not count calories, but I would have a minimum. I knew I had to eat all of my meals and snacks, and if I felt like eating extra, that's great. Food is like science. In order to run properly, we need a certain amount, and in order to feel well at the gym, we can't eat too close to when we intend to be moving our body and allow time for digestion.

Going into the gym for the first time, I had already made a promise with myself that I wouldn't step on the scale or ever use that as a determining factor of my journey, as I know it would cause me problems.

I didn't want to compare myself to anyone else in the gym, their ability, or what they were working on, I simply wanted to appreciate the fact that I was there and I was able to move my body at all.

The key to intuitive exercise is being in tune with your body and ask yourself what you feel like doing, what movements will make you feel fulfilled that day? I think the most damaging thing someone can do when going into the gym, is forcing themselves to commit to an exercise you don't like. If you hate running, and put 30 minutes on the treadmill timer, you're going to be miserable starring at the clock for 30 minutes, and you're going to dread coming back. Instead, if you love dancing, see if your gym offers a Zumba class. It's a great way to meet like-minded people, and have fun while you're moving you're body, and you'll be doing it in a way that doesn't feel like a chore.

For me personally, I enjoy boxing, and working out my legs, so I like the stair master, the bike, and things of that nature, so when I go to the gym I have fun.

I also think another thing that can be damaging for someone who is recovering from an eating disorder is committing to a workout plan right off the bat. For example, dedicating a day to a specific area to workout. (ex: Monday= arms, Wednesday= legs, Friday= full body). Say you're really tired after work on a Wednesday, you're going to dread thinking about having to do a leg workout when you don't really have the energy to spare.

Before you get into the gym, take into account how you feel. Do you have extra energy? Are you a little more tired? Ask yourself what kind of movement will make your body feel good. Maybe it's some light stretching, maybe it's a cardio kind of day, or maybe it's a day to lift some weights.

Trusting your body that it knows what's in your best interest feels really empowering. I used to not trust my own intuition, and force things on myself. However, I've been learning to trust that my body will let me know how long it feels like working out- some days it's just shy of two hours, and other days it's not much more than 20 minutes. And that's OK, our energy levels will be different each day.

Treating your body like it's on your side and you're on the same team as your mind is a great feeling and goes a long way in healing your relationship with food and exercise. It will take time, practice, and patience, but the progress you make will feel like a great accomplishment when it comes.