Intuitive Eating

"If you don't love it, don't eat it. And if you love it, savor it."

-Evelyn Tribole, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works 

During my time in recovery, and much while I was suffering with disordered eating habits, I heard a lot about the intuitive eating approach. 

What sounds simple in theory, tuning into your body to ask "what do I really want?" "what will satisfy me?" and "am I full yet?" seemed like an impossible feat for me. 

It came to me as a rude wake up call one morning, when I realized I would be late for school...again. 

In the depths of my disorder, I spent every morning trying to do a small act of self-care before I got started on my sometimes 10-12 hour days. This for me usually meant coloring or writing in my journal. In hindsight, this was very much not an act of self-care, but rather a way for me to waste time, so I could use "lack of time" as an excuse not to eat breakfast before heading out to school or work. 

I spent a lot of time trying to push back meals as long as I could, because the simple act of sitting down for a meal brought me so much anxiety: what would I eat? How much? When? Where? I couldn't get through the grocery store without a panic attack, if I wanted a snack or a drink I would run into the kitchen like a thief in the night, grab what I needed and run back to my room. 

The first step I took towards intuitive eating was taking inventory of what I was actually eating. This was alarming to me, as I could count the amount of foods I would eat on one hand. I realized that the foods that I was eating and was willing to eat, weren't foods that I actually liked. I was eating them for their nutritional content on the label, or lack-thereof, considering everything I had conditioned myself to eat was low-cal, low-fat, low-carb, or all of the above. I was scared to eat anything of substance.

I made a list of foods I liked before my disorder started, foods I might be willing to try, and foods that I definitely wasn't ready for right now.

It became a fun exercise for me, because for the longest time, I couldn't remember when I ate food for enjoyment. I asked my mom if she could remember how I used to eat, back when I didn't have any rules, and I begged her to help me eat normal. My mom and my doctors helped me to remember things that I enjoyed eating as a kid, which became my new favorite, the classic peanut butter and jelly- something I hadn't had probably in ten years!

To make mealtimes easier, I stuck to making the same meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday. Which I know now, is still not intuitive eating. The problem was, I was told since I was in recovery and early into it, I wouldn't be able to trust my hunger cues, as they likely no longer existed. So I had to eat even when I wasn't hungry, because my body needed it to heal. This felt like punishment, like force feeding. I still did not enjoy mealtime. I hated the act of sitting down to have my "required" meal. 

I could have made it a lot easier on myself at the time if I had actually been intuitive. "what do I feel like having?" "Do I want a sandwich, maybe a pasta dish?" "What will satisfy my hunger?" 

One of my biggest fears during recovery is that I would go from one extreme to the other, and never be able to stop eating. I thought if I asked my body what it wanted, it would tell me it wanted chips, and cookies, and ice cream, and burgers, and it would just have a party in my stomach- I wasn't willing or ready to give up my rigid healthy rules.

Knowing what I know now, I can see how I was in no way, shape or form ready to take on the practice of intuitive eating. I think the concept of intuitive eating might seem impossible and might actually be for those recovering from an eating disorder or disordered eating habits. However, I think it's something beautiful to strive for, an end goal that will reduce anxiety around mealtimes and the act of eating. 

It took me over a year to be able to tune into my body and ask what I want, to have a craving come up and listen to it. I still make mistakes and resort to where I'm comfortable, which is strict healthy eating, but every time I am able to tune into my body, and give it what and how much it wants, I feel so proud. 

During my disordered patterns, going out for an ice cream was never a possibility on my mind- I just didn't do it. I would say I was allergic, I didn't like it, or I just didn't eat it. Now, to me there is nothing better than being able to go to the store during the heat wave in Los Angeles and treat myself to an ice cream cone- something I haven't enjoyed since I was a kid!

I feel so proud every single time I am able to remember to tune into my body and ask what might satisfy it best. Like after the gym, recognizing I am hungry, and asking my body what it wants after it carried me through a nice long workout, and best of all, listening. 

And to answer the question, and settle my fears, your body will not only crave treats. After a weekend of indulging, my body will crave a salad for balance. On a hot summer day, I will crave watermelon, or something light, over a hot meal. 

Listen and trust your body, it's on your side.