"If you go anywhere, even paradise, you will miss your home."
-Malala Yousafzai
From the day I arrived in LA, I felt like I was on an extended vacation. Never home. Maybe it didn't help that all of the people around me never seemed to be working. Rather, walking around the promenade in and out of shops, sitting in coffee shops on their laptops, tablets, or what-not. But, I did not feel motivated whatsoever.
I even put off buying furniture for two months. (Besides the fact that I couldn't afford it, it just felt too permanent for me, if I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay.)
My mom accused me of romanticizing Tampa. But for me, it was the only place that ever felt like home for me. In Florida, I felt comfortable right away in my surroundings. I didn't get that here. I felt as if I was constantly folded into myself, cringing from the brightness of a non-existent spotlight, always being judged. I was on-edge all of the time. I didn't feel like myself.
I've noticed people put a high priority on brand names: what label your clothes are, what kind of job you have and how much it pays, what kind of car you drive, and even what your significant other does for a living. When dating, the first question people would typically ask was superficial or surface level. Boring.
Everyone has their own set of priorities, and I realized right away that mine did not match my surroundings. I didn't and don't care about going out to clubs and being "seen" or having people follow me on social media (just read my writing). My priority is being at home with my family. My priority is my career. The best compliment I could ever receive would be based on those two things, nothing surface level. I can't help the way I look (or don't), I didn't work for that and am not interested in that.
LA to me is a show, I like to say an artificial New York. The majority of the people are transplants who go there for a reason. They want to "be" somebody. They work so hard to be seen by people who don't really care to see them. It feels like everyone has an agenda. As someone with a large following himself told me, everyone you see in the club has an agenda.
People in LA don't have the authenticity that New Yorkers do. You never know the real person, because they are always performing. People want to have the best clothes, the newest model car, the best career- but what's real? What interests you? What scares you?
People will agree to plans, until something better comes up. Smile to your face, and as soon as you walk away say 'F- that guy!' At least in New York, if someone has a problem with you, they will tell you right to your face. And if not, you can see it in theirs. There's no hiding.
I am grateful for the experiences I've had in LA. I've met extremely genuine friends, who I am sure I will keep in touch with for life. I'm grateful for experiences both good and bad, because it will always give me something to write about.
The lifestyle very quickly proved it wasn't for me. I've never been one to care about the label on clothes, whether it be for myself, or on someone else. I don't care what you do, how much money you make, or what kind of car you drive. That does nothing for me, and it doesn't impress me. I care about what kind of person you are.
It's weird to me how with dating back in the day, your family and friends would make sure your guy had a job, now they want to know what kind of job.
Who cares?
(please don't work for Magic Mike)
I've been in Florida for three days now, and I already feel as if I can breathe much easier. I want to live a life not curated for anyone's feeds, and that life is here. I drive a beat up car- the AC doesn't work, and the speakers are blown out, but it has four wheels and it moves. I don't like to wear makeup and I walk around with no shoes. I like going to country or dive bars and drinking cheap beer and sharing appetizers with my mom.
I've never stopped writing and I've never given up on journalism. My hands ache when I'm not writing. I am grateful beyond words that writing afforded me the opportunity to be closer to home. I can't wait to get out and explore my new community and share their stories.
