Something's missing

"Something's missing and I don't know how to fix it/ Something's missing and I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is at all/ I can't be sure that this sate of mind is not of my own design/ I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness/ for loneliness like this." 

-'Something's Missing', John Mayer 

 There's a new wave of 'perfectionism' plaguing our generation, if that's the correct term. 

'Do everything, see everything, be everything syndrome', as I like to call it. Our generation is getting older, faster, taking on more responsibilities at a younger age either because they want to be self-sufficient 'right now', or they have no other choice.

Read through the headlines on trendy online media sites: "how to be debt-free by 23," "Why I quit my job and moved across the world", "How I travel the globe without a 9 to 5," "How to eat everything you want and still have a flat stomach."

Is it any wonder that our generation is increasingly more depressed and anxious?

If headlines were honest:

"What to do when you're 23 and you're debt is greater than your annual salary," "How I maintain a life with! no! money! (without asking my mom)" "How to eat whatever you want and not give a F-"

Regardless of what age you are, there will always be 'societal expectations' placed on your back. Is it just me, or have they gotten heavier?

In your 20's: have a full-time job, pay off your loans, don't miss a payment, drive a new-ish used car, have an extravagant social life, travel internationally at least twice a year with your friends (but don't forget to post about it!)

Late 20's- early 30's: "If you like it then you better put a ring on it!" Girl, show that ring. What do you mean you don't have- oh, awkward, change the subject! Start having babies or planning on it, become the perfect Pinterest mommy, pack lunch, plan playdates, forget sleep and your love for your husband, it's all about the child, and other moms, now. Have that wedding that you've been planning with your friends since you were 13. Remember: it's not about your love story, it's about the guests and the pictures, so keep that in mind during the planning process. This is also around the time you perfect your skincare routine, switch to only expensive products that you have to import. Have a workout routine and start food-shaming your friends for eating something you wish you weren't afraid of.

The truth is: no one is happy following these perceived timelines or abiding by the rules we think we have to follow. So why do we do it? Who are we trying to impress?

If headlines told the truth: wherever you're at in life, in this current moment; you're doing it right. In fact, you're doing amazing.

If you have student loans that you have yet to pay off, you have a diploma in hand, and hopefully are working in a field you love. If not, I hope it comes for you very soon. Keep looking.

If you can't travel internationally, start locally. Go to a coffee shop you haven't been to yet, explore a state park. You don't have to spend a ton of money to gain experience.

If you don't have a ring, so what? It does not add, nor does it take away from your worth. If you have a special someone, having the ring doesn't change what you have. If you don't have that special someone, be patient, it will happen for you, if that's something you want.

If you don't have a new car, depreciating fresh off the lot, join the club! My car and I are almost the same age, the AC has given up, so has the radio, but in our defense, it still has tires. It gets me from A to B, and B gives me a paycheck.

If you don't have a 'workout routine' or an 'eating plan', good for you. Of course your health is important, so still be sure to take care of yourself, but focus your energy on something that is important to you. Maybe it's art, maybe it's volunteering, or research, no one can dictate that for you.

If you're feeling bad or stressed about the so-called 'timeline of life', let's perfect our response together: "F- that!" Stop comparing, stop competing and live your life on your own terms.

How I manage my anxiety

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but wanting to control it."

My first panic attack happened when I was in college. I was 20 years old, working full-time, two part-time jobs in my field, one that consisted of an hour commute each way. I was also in school full-time.

I thought I could manage everything effectively. On top of that, I had homework and studying, I wanted to go to the gym, and for a bike ride on the weekends. I wanted to hangout with my friends, and sit in the cafeteria for dinner.

But eventually, something would have to give. I couldn't do it all, and still get a proper nights sleep.

3 a.m., I woke up in a cold sweat soaking through my pajama shirt, my heart was racing, and I started sobbing.

I couldn't remember if I did my homework for my class the next day, and I was scared.

Should I get out of bed and do it now? Should I set an alarm to wake up early, to get it done before class? Should I just skip?

I started falling behind in classes, and panic attacks became a more common occurrence.

It seemed I could never escape my racing thoughts, or calm down for longer than five minutes.

Over the course of the last seven years, I have tried almost every product marketed to manage anxiety, and every 'tried and true' at home remedy. I have become keen on what works, and what is just a ploy to take your money.

One of the main things to keep in mind, is that with feelings of anxiety or depression, it seems the last thing we want to do as it's occurring is the thing we know will make us feel better. We may know that this has worked for us before, but we feel trapped in our panic, or our feelings of numbness.

It's a mental trap. Take a few deep breaths, and do your best to talk yourself out of it, and try one of these things that have worked for me:

TEA:

I think any caffeine-free tea would help calm down your thoughts, and ease tension you're holding in your body. However, my favorite from all of the teas I have tried is Yogi Tea's Honey Lavender for Stress Relief. I keep a few bags of these in my desk at work, and a few bags in my purse in case I am at somebody's house and feel like tea.

JOURNALING:

Journaling is one of those things where you know it will make you feel better afterwards, to get your feelings out, but for some reason, many of us are too reluctant lazy, too put pen to paper. Me included. 

I have been liking the "list" journals, because they are easy, don't take a lot of time, and more often then not, inspire you to write more. But, you don't have to have an expensive or themed journal to write. Use the 'notes' section in your phone, write on a napkin, or a journal you have laying around the house. 

Write what you're thinking, what's making you mad or stressing you out, make a pros/cons list. It's a great way to sort out your feelings and re-focus and prioritize what's important. 

Note to self: don't "forget" to journal tonight- take one minute!

CBD:

CBD has recently grown in popularity over the last year. Cannabidol, is the cannabinoid found in the hemp plant. There is less than 0.3% THC to no THC in CBD, making it non-psychoactive (doesn't get you high). Some of the benefits include: reduced feelings of anxiety or depression, helps promote restful sleep, eases sore muscles and bones, etc. CBD can come in the form of edibles, oil, or cremes. It is best to talk with your doctor before trying CBD. Dosing and affects will vary for each person. 

CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety, by allowing my thoughts to slow down, and my heart to stop racing. If I feel like I will have trouble sleeping, I can take a relax bear, or this particular brand, Green Roads, has Sleepy Z's edibles, made with hemp and melatonin. 

BOXING/YOGA:

Boxing has always been a source of calm for me. You can take all of your stress or anger out on the punching bags, and leave feeling of tension behind at the gym. When I was in college, I attended Punch Boxing Gym, religiously three to four times a week. I met more friends there than I did from my school. It was nice to have a sense of community, people to hold you accountable, and be around people who shared the same interests. 

The same is true for me with yoga, though I only recently got into it. I prefer hot yoga, because I have always liked intense workouts. I feel like in some way the sweating is metaphoric for sweating out all of the bad feelings, along with the bad things held in my body that I no longer need. I'm getting rid of things that don't serve me to hold onto. 

I always tell people, this is true with any exercise. Find a way to move your body that feels good for you, that you enjoy. This could be dancing, karate, spinning, whatever.

If you can afford it, join a gym, and meet people who share the same interests as you. 

If you're in school, attend the gym on campus, or community center, whatever you have access to. 

If not, find a YouTube video and move at home. It all counts!

A HOT BATH:

After a long day, there is nothing better than a hot bubble bath! I don't think I am physically capable of doing nothing, so I will light a candle, put on some good music, and either write or read my book while taking a bath. 

COLOR:

My family used to make fun of me, because I never stopped coloring as I aged. Now that the "adult coloring book" fad has taken off, I'm the one laughing. I was ahead of the curve. The more intricate the design, I think the more your mind is taken off of what is bothering you:you're focused on staying in the lines, what colors to use, and what to do next. If you start to feel stressed or overwhelmed by the page- it is time to stop for the time being and give it a break.

Bringing your eating disorder on vacation

"Don't let your mind bully your body"

The first thing that comes to mind when I plan a vacation is: where am I going to go to the gym?

There have been too many instances where my eating disorder has gotten in the way of truly getting to experience new things, or enjoying old things with my friends and family; like passing up pizza and bagels in New York, refusing to go to restaurants with my sister in California, and opting for only salad at the all-inclusive buffet on a cruise. My eating disorder loves to vacation, despite the fact that she was never invited.

My family has a tradition to go on a cruise every year at Christmas.

This year was a 7-day cruise of the Caribbean.

Before we were set to depart, immense anxiety set in. I had a good routine going at the gym, and I depended on it to manage my depression. My mom said that she didn't want me going to the gym every day on the cruise, only days when we were at sea.

I didn't like that restriction.

She told me she didn't want me eating only salad.

I didn't like that restriction.

I didn't like the rules. My eating disorder hates rules. She hates knowing she's being watched, and likes to act in spite of rules. I was going to work out. And most likely, I was going to only eat healthy.

She was not invited, but like always, she threatened to stow away in my carry-on. She goes where I do, she reminded me. She did not need a formal invitation.

Sometimes rules can help.

I don't like to count the days of recovery, because every day is work.

When focused on recovery, making rules can be really beneficial in staying on track. For me, the rules were almost anti-rules. Every rule my eating disorder made, for example what foods were considered 'safe', or rules about working out, my recovery mindset would be the opposite.

I promised my mom that while we were on the cruise, I would only go to the gym on days we were at sea all day. When we were at port, we would be walking around and exploring for the majority of the day, so we would still be getting exercise. Plus, I didn't want to be tired or sore.

I told myself that I would not use food or exercise as an excuse to miss out on experience. If my mom or sister asked me to do something, I would do it. I would not skip anything, because I had to go to the gym.

When my mind challenged me, I reminded myself that indulging in a few meals I would not normally eat would not throw me off-track. Having dessert would not cause me to gain a significant amount of weight. Not working out for a few days would not throw off my progress. Vacation is meant to be enjoyed. I reminded myself that my diet and my gym would be there when I got back home. The things in front of me, like local beer, decadent desserts, homemade pastas were not always available to me.

New things

I have never known a vacation where my eating disorder was not along for the ride, so this trip felt truly special to me.

I tried the local beer at every port we stopped at. I had plantains in Dominican Republic. We went to a chocolate factory, where I had the best hot chocolate I ever tasted in my life. I bought two candy bars to bring home, that never made it home, because they were so good. I had rum at Casa de Bacardi in Puerto Rico. I had homemade pasta on the cruise three nights in a row.

We learned how to roll cigars in the Dominican Republic, and in the Bahamas I snorkeled for the first time in the bluest waters I've ever seen.

Of course in the back of my mind, old thoughts were always there. But, I didn't allow myself to act on them. I reminded myself as often as I needed to that these experiences were once-in-a-lifetime.

At the end of the trip, I felt happiness, because I did not allow food or exercise to get in the way of experience. I spent time with my mom and my sister, and I was not angry, or bitter about food or exercise. I wanted time and connection. I felt happy that I was unchained from the disorder for 7 days to truly experience new things, and at the end of the trip, I did not have feelings of guilt that I missed out, or I didn't do something that I wanted to do, and that my mom and sister did not feel burdened or as if they missed out because of my disorder.

Given that eating disorders thrive off rules, I think setting 'anti-rules' can be helpful for some in breaking disordered habits. For example: "I will only go to the gym when x, and if someone invites me to do something, I will not say no, because I feel like I have to go to the gym", or "I know vacation is only x days, so I will try local foods", "I am only home for so long, so I will eat my favorites with no guilt"

At the end of the day, I think there is more unhappiness brought from feelings of missing out and missed opportunities, than if you ate the cake, or had the beer.