"How are you using the word when it comes to describing yourself? When you look at yourself in a mirror, do you like what you see, or do you judge your body and use all those symbols to tell yourself lies? Is it really true that you are too short or too tall, too heavy, or too thin? Is it really true that you're not perfect just the way you are?"
-Don Miguel Ruiz
My therapist has been assigning me homework for the last six months, and for the last six months, I haven't done my homework.
"I'm serious. This week I want you to do it," she told me, trying to be encouraging.
For six months she's been trying to get me to write a list of affirmations I can tell myself.
"Not the cheesy ones," she clarified. "Things you can actually believe."
She said I didn't have to tell myself I would be a millionaire, that I am strong, and beautiful, and brave, or any of those popular affirmations you may see on Pinterest or embroidered on a kitchen towel.
"Just three things every day that you like about yourself," she said.
I promised I'd do it, and laugh as I hung up, fully intending never to do that.
It was less about the affirmation, but more about challenging negative self-talk and the lies I led myself to believe about myself, as they came up in my mind.
The problem is, living with depression, you may know what you should do. You may know what will make you feel better, but because you have depression, you don't feel capable of doing any of those things.
I'd rather watch paint dry, clip my toenails way too short, or cut the grass with kitchen scissors.
But say something nice about myself? It seemed too tough a task.
As an empath through and through, I don't like to think too much about myself. I don't like to sit alone with my own thoughts. I have depression. It could be scary there. I rather talk about what's bothering you. I'll listen and help you! Yeah, that idea I like!
But through breakups, pandemics, self-growth, and self-reflection, I'm realizing, that's not always an option.
What happens when someone's not there to vent to me? Who's left?
Me.
Shit.
Bueller? Bueller? Hello? No? *Sigh*
Okay, number one.
The day I finally completed my homework, I was really excited to start our therapy session.
"I did it!" I proudly told her, chest puffed out.
I listed off one thing after the other that I love about myself.
When I was done, I smiled at her, waiting for my round of applause, for her to tell me she was proud of me for finally listening.
It never came.
"What?" I asked.
"None of those things are about you," she said.
"What?!"
Each thing I had listed about myself involved another person, she told me. It wasn't truly, at it's core, me.
Again, I was diverting the attention elsewhere, in order to not have to focus on myself.
Again, she gave me the same lecture about self-talk and affirmations.
I was mad. I could have sworn I nailed it.
Another thing about living with depression, is you feel impulsive. You may know the thing that will make you feel better, something that is healthy that will lift your mood and remove you out of that dark place, but, because you have depression, your mindset is:
"Sure I know what to do, but the healthy route may take 45 minutes, while the unhealthy option only takes five!"
This to me is the "get what you pay for" mindset. If you go the route of a temporary release, like seeing an ex that treats you poorly, drinking, using a drug, sex, gambling, or any other short-term solution, you have to consider the long-term consequences of that choice.
How will you feel in an hour? six hours? tomorrow?
Probably not good. You may feel more anxious, more depressed, crave comfort food, want to sleep more, etc.
Depression doesn't allow you to think through those long-term consequences. Depression is a one-track mind that tells you, "I feel horrible, what can I do to feel better right this second?" and laughs when the negative affects of the short-term solution route start to kick in.
The more I talked with my therapist and she reiterated the idea of affirmations and self-talk, I begun to practice it, without realizing it, which is probably the only way to get me to do something.
Coming home from a stressful day, whether it be from work or a fight with my ex, rather than reaching for a short-term solution, I would take the time to slow down and acknowledge, "hey, I don't feel so great right now, and what I want to do probably isn't what I should do." and rather than reach for the short-term solution and risk the negative affects, I'd lace up my rollerblades, put on my headphones and go for a skate, or have a cuddle with my cat, swim in the pool, color a picture, etc. and I would end up feeling better, for a longer period of time, than I would have if I had chosen the alternative route.
When I'd settle in for the night and start feeling lonely, rather than text my ex, which I would likely later regret, I'd say, "you know what? I don't need to do that. That isn't the best option for me based on how I'm feeling," and put on a funny TV show and have a laugh instead.
Self-talk is HARD! It's not easy to take the time, especially in the moment when your emotions are high and unpleasant to slow down, acknowledge that feeling, and choose a healthy option. But I promise you, you will feel better if you choose the healthy option.
Don't wait until you are in that emotional state to think about what a healthy option is for you. Have three go-to things that make you feel genuinely happy: maybe it's working out, writing, taking a hot bath, lighting your favorite candle and putting on an album, drawing, coloring, whatever it may be. Have them in the bank and know what they are.
And when you feel yourself start to get in that emotional place, stop. Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you're in an emotional state, and what got you there. Acknowledge it for what it is, without blaming yourself, and dismiss the desire to reach for a short-term solution. This may be having a cup of tea instead of alcohol, putting your phone on airplane mode, or going for a walk to re-center yourself.
It may take half an hour longer, but the effects will last way longer and you will feel stronger in your ability to choose that option for yourself.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
