"Okay, we didn't work, and all memories to tell you the truth aren't good. But sometimes there were good times. Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid. There should be stars for great wars like ours."
-Sandra Cisneros
I have friendships with several of my exes.
It's my personal philosophy that if you've ever loved someone, those feelings don't automatically turn sour, just because things didn't work out in a romantic way between you two.
With that being said, that's contingent on the fact that there was no violence or emotional abuse involved.
And when I enter new relationships, I don't hide this fact. I make sure my new potential partner knows that I maintain a friendly contact with a given ex, and that it's not in any romantic or sexual way, so they shouldn't feel threatened.
Focus on the good
If a relationship doesn't work out, ask yourself why. It helps to reflect on the situation. Maybe certain circumstances out of your control, like timing, or where you were at in your life at that particular point didn't match. Look internally, at your behavior, if you acted or reacted in a certain way that you don't want to in the future. For example, maybe instead of communicating with your partner when something was bothering you, you ignored it, which later led to hurt feelings and a fight. That could have been avoided by addressing the issue with your partner so you could talk about it up front.
I met the man I was convinced I was going to marry when I was 19. We were in very different stages of life. Me, in college, taking 18 credit hours in school, and working as close to full-time as I could get to buff up my resume.
He, serving in the Army, living in his own apartment and paying his own bills.
He had previously been engaged and it didn't work out.
He was ready to try again, so he said. He was ready for a wife and a family.
I couldn't drink, so I often felt left out when he would go out to the bar with his buddies, and felt like there was a lot of things I couldn't do.
I didn't have a car, so our plans depended on him, and when he wanted to come pick me up from campus.
Even though it didn't work at that time, I still have love and respect for him, because he was a large part of my life at the time. I learned a lot. I learned that I do want marriage and to have a family of my own, when circumstances are right. He was a big support system for me at the time. I learned how to be in a partnership, and how to be comfortable with my body. I will always be grateful to him for that.
Learn what you don't want
I've dated a few men that were more interested in the party scene, drugs and alcohol than they were in having a relationship with me. For too long I held the belief that I could be the supportive girlfriend and "love them through it". This is a more 'romantic' way to say "I can fix them" and it's just not going to happen.
Stop intentionally breaking your own heart.
You can't force yourself to be a priority to someone.
It's better to be alone, than to feel alone with company.
These relationships often left me with lower self-esteem than I came in with, and I felt exhausted, and my spirit depleted.
But, it helped me to be able to see signs of similar behavior in the future, earlier on in the relationship, and I can start running earlier. It helped me to see that for me, that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker and something I don't have the time or energy to put up with.
Be honest from the get-go
I've learned to be honest upfront about things that are important to me. I'm not talking from the first date, but as time is right, open up about things that matter to you. This could be your past, your beliefs, mental health, etc.
One of the things I am open about in the beginning of a new relationship is my dedication to taking care of my mental health. I go to therapy, and I want my partner to be supportive and accepting of that. So far, I haven't met anyone who hasn't been. Thankfully.
I've had partners who have been open with me about their mental health, but unwilling to get help they needed to take care of themselves. I don't want to backslide, so I've learned for the future if someone isn't ready for help, wish them well and move on.
My self-care regimen is extremely important to my well-being and has been hard earned, so I work hard to protect that.
I've had partners that questioned why I take medication as a form of treatment, and thought they knew what would be better for my well-being than my doctors did.
I didn't open up to those people for a reason. They went through my medicine cabinet and found my medication, and then confronted me about it.
I want to be with someone who uplifts me, not drags me down. I don't want to be with someone who tries to pin their own idea of "self-care" on me, and tries to encourage me to go off medication, or stop attending therapy, because that's what they believe for me. Unless, they have a PhD (maybe).
Don't compare, don't demean
I think a lot of us are curious when our former partner moves on, and want to see who they've moved on with. Don't check social media pages, it's not your business anymore. Don't compare the status of their relationship with how things went between you two, or the timeline of how they've progressed, you will only frustrate yourself.
Relationships take different forms
I always say I still have love for (some) of the men I've dated. Just because my care isn't romantic love anymore, doesn't mean I can't love them as a friend and genuinely wish them well. If they text me and need help with something, I try to be there, within reason. (Again, this is tentative on how it ended and as long as there was no abuse involved)
The basis of a strong relationship starts from a genuine friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean you can't go back to that if both people are willing once the healing is done. The healing and moving on is key in order to revert back to a healthy friendship. This likely won't happen right away, and might not happen at all. Be patient and honest with yourself.
It's my personal philosophy that if you've ever loved someone, those feelings don't automatically turn sour, just because things didn't work out in a romantic way between you two.
With that being said, that's contingent on the fact that there was no violence or emotional abuse involved.
And when I enter new relationships, I don't hide this fact. I make sure my new potential partner knows that I maintain a friendly contact with a given ex, and that it's not in any romantic or sexual way, so they shouldn't feel threatened.
Focus on the good
If a relationship doesn't work out, ask yourself why. It helps to reflect on the situation. Maybe certain circumstances out of your control, like timing, or where you were at in your life at that particular point didn't match. Look internally, at your behavior, if you acted or reacted in a certain way that you don't want to in the future. For example, maybe instead of communicating with your partner when something was bothering you, you ignored it, which later led to hurt feelings and a fight. That could have been avoided by addressing the issue with your partner so you could talk about it up front.
I met the man I was convinced I was going to marry when I was 19. We were in very different stages of life. Me, in college, taking 18 credit hours in school, and working as close to full-time as I could get to buff up my resume.
He, serving in the Army, living in his own apartment and paying his own bills.
He had previously been engaged and it didn't work out.
He was ready to try again, so he said. He was ready for a wife and a family.
I couldn't drink, so I often felt left out when he would go out to the bar with his buddies, and felt like there was a lot of things I couldn't do.
I didn't have a car, so our plans depended on him, and when he wanted to come pick me up from campus.
Even though it didn't work at that time, I still have love and respect for him, because he was a large part of my life at the time. I learned a lot. I learned that I do want marriage and to have a family of my own, when circumstances are right. He was a big support system for me at the time. I learned how to be in a partnership, and how to be comfortable with my body. I will always be grateful to him for that.
Learn what you don't want
I've dated a few men that were more interested in the party scene, drugs and alcohol than they were in having a relationship with me. For too long I held the belief that I could be the supportive girlfriend and "love them through it". This is a more 'romantic' way to say "I can fix them" and it's just not going to happen.
Stop intentionally breaking your own heart.
You can't force yourself to be a priority to someone.
It's better to be alone, than to feel alone with company.
These relationships often left me with lower self-esteem than I came in with, and I felt exhausted, and my spirit depleted.
But, it helped me to be able to see signs of similar behavior in the future, earlier on in the relationship, and I can start running earlier. It helped me to see that for me, that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker and something I don't have the time or energy to put up with.
Be honest from the get-go
I've learned to be honest upfront about things that are important to me. I'm not talking from the first date, but as time is right, open up about things that matter to you. This could be your past, your beliefs, mental health, etc.
One of the things I am open about in the beginning of a new relationship is my dedication to taking care of my mental health. I go to therapy, and I want my partner to be supportive and accepting of that. So far, I haven't met anyone who hasn't been. Thankfully.
I've had partners who have been open with me about their mental health, but unwilling to get help they needed to take care of themselves. I don't want to backslide, so I've learned for the future if someone isn't ready for help, wish them well and move on.
My self-care regimen is extremely important to my well-being and has been hard earned, so I work hard to protect that.
I've had partners that questioned why I take medication as a form of treatment, and thought they knew what would be better for my well-being than my doctors did.
I didn't open up to those people for a reason. They went through my medicine cabinet and found my medication, and then confronted me about it.
I want to be with someone who uplifts me, not drags me down. I don't want to be with someone who tries to pin their own idea of "self-care" on me, and tries to encourage me to go off medication, or stop attending therapy, because that's what they believe for me. Unless, they have a PhD (maybe).
Don't compare, don't demean
I think a lot of us are curious when our former partner moves on, and want to see who they've moved on with. Don't check social media pages, it's not your business anymore. Don't compare the status of their relationship with how things went between you two, or the timeline of how they've progressed, you will only frustrate yourself.
Relationships take different forms
I always say I still have love for (some) of the men I've dated. Just because my care isn't romantic love anymore, doesn't mean I can't love them as a friend and genuinely wish them well. If they text me and need help with something, I try to be there, within reason. (Again, this is tentative on how it ended and as long as there was no abuse involved)
The basis of a strong relationship starts from a genuine friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean you can't go back to that if both people are willing once the healing is done. The healing and moving on is key in order to revert back to a healthy friendship. This likely won't happen right away, and might not happen at all. Be patient and honest with yourself.
