"You don't look depressed, you always look so happy!" "What do you have to be depressed about?" "You're too young/pretty (insert other offensive adjective here) to be depressed"
"Yeah, but you don't look depressed."
Well, thank you, it's because I'm dead inside most of the time.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder as a child. Although it's something I talk very openly about, I still feel some shame in the diagnosis. I know I am extremely privileged, and realistically, there is nothing for me to be depressed about. I am close with my family, I have great friends, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. I am able-bodied and healthy for the most part. I was fortunate enough to attend and graduate college and secure a full-time job in the industry I love. I have a pet. I am able to pay my bills and have a little extra left over each month to buy random crap on Amazon as fleeting thoughts pop into my head.
With all that being said, this is not a brag. I fully acknowledge that I have no reason to be depressed.
And yet, here I am.
I've struggled since I was seven years old and still struggle today as a 25-year-old woman. Sometimes between therapy sessions, I feel so overwhelmingly sad that I feel like I may have to phone a friend to come over with an extra large spatula to scrape me up out of my bed to start the day. And there's no reason for it other than I'm just fucking sad and I don't know why.
Being someone who talks so openly about my struggles, sometimes it feels extra difficult for me to tell someone when I'm in the headspace of feeling depressed. Sometimes more often than not, I don't know. I sleep more, I forget to brush my teeth or eat dinner, and I quit working out cold turkey. In the moment I'm not able to equate it to depression. I know these things will make me feel "good", but depression makes it impossible to do them.
Sure, I could go for a run, OR I could take a nap. Sure, I could journal, OR I can see how many days in a row I can wear the same pajamas. Sure, I could eat a healthy meal and get sunshine, or I could not open the blinds all day and forget when the last time I'd eaten was.
Sometimes it feels hard for me to admit when I'm struggling, because I feel like someone will react by rolling their eyes and saying, "Oh this again!?"
Or worse, asking "why?"
"I'm really depressed today," I say, hoping to feel some kind of solace from the person I'm talking to.
"Why?" they'll ask, in genuine or feigned sympathy, who really knows.
"Uhh, well, because I have d e p r e s s i o n," I think, "So, likely, you know, it's that. The chemical imbalance is well, unbalanced as of right this second."
It feels frustrating when someone asks why when you say you're feeling depressed or anxious, because more often than not, there's no reason for it.
When someone has a migraine, you don’t ask why? You offer Advil, or suggest some rest, if someone has a stomachache, you suggest tea or ginger, not "Ugh, why do you have diarrhea again?!" "You're taking Tums again?!"
It happens.
When someone says they’re feeling depressed or anxious, let's stop asking "why", because it's not helpful. We need to retrain or brain and reframe our perspective of how we talk to people suffering with mental health issues. Instead, let’s try asking “What can I do?” “How can I help?”
Asking a person who struggles with anxiety or depression “why” puts added pressure on them when they’ve already displayed courage by opening up and telling someone they are struggling, or having a rough day. Asking “why” can potentially make them feel ashamed, or like they have been a bother and shouldn’t have opened up at all.
Instead, let’s say “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, is there anything I can do to help?”
If it’s the first time someone is opening up to you about their struggles, you can say, “Thank you for trusting me enough to confide in me, what would be the most helpful thing from me right now?”
Each person is different, sometimes they might need you to just listen and to do so without judgment. Listen without questioning their feelings or trying to offer a solution. Listen and be a friend. Sometimes just knowing someone is there helps to relieve a lot of weight off someone’s shoulders.
Maybe the person needs space and they’re opening up to you to tell you that if they haven’t been the best communicator lately, it has nothing to do with you. Maybe the person has been going through a bout of depression and for them, getting up in the morning and brushing their hair and their teeth is a win.
They’re asking for patience. Offer it and reassure them the door will be open whenever they’re ready to be in touch again or if they need an ear. This will help take the pressure off them of feeling like they have to keep up with everyone in their contacts list and/or on social media, or they feel like “a bad friend,” when in reality, they’re struggling just to get out of bed in the morning and get through their day amid the haze.
Mental health is just like physical health. You need to take care of it, or you will not feel well.
If someone is feeling depressed or anxious or has a stomachache or a migraine, it needs to be addressed, regardless of how it's done.
I've learned firsthand that when you fail to address your mental health, you can become physically ill. Sometimes we need a little help or to know someone cares about us enough to ensure we're taking proper care of ourselves.
Let's start by dropping the "why" and asking "how" how can I help? What do you need from me? What can I do?
Listen to the answer and honor it, honor what the person says without judgment.
